Page 19 of Beyond Reason

“Don’t fuck this up, Southpaw.”

I laugh when he calls me by my nickname. “I got it, and trust me, I’ll do whatever I have to do so I don’t fuck this up. I gotta go.”

We talk a little bit, and before he hangs up, he reminds me, “The job offer stands, and no offense, but I hope you turn it down.”

When I hang up, I realize I’ve missed a message in my therapy app. When I open it, I see that my therapist messaged me to let me know she’s had an emergency. I toss my phone to the nightstand and focus on the leather notebook in my hand.

As I take a deep breath and open the front cover, I recognize Jane’s handwriting instantly. I’ve stared at her letters so many times through the years, it brings me comfort to see them now.

I scan the first letter on the first page.

Hey husband,

That should probably feel awkward to say, but it actually feels… right. It’s the end of my first week in Whiskey Run and I just dropped you off at the airport. It was nice getting to know you this week and even though I expected things to feel weird, it didn’t. It felt… right. I know I already said that but it still surprises me.

When you left, there were a hundred things I’d wished I’d said to you. I know I’ve thanked you so many times that you’re sick of hearing it and now that you’re on a plane I wish I’d told you the rest. Like how you’ve been gone for an hour and I already miss you. That in this last week, you’ve been a better friend to me than I’ve ever had. And that when you left, I wish I’d had the guts to kiss you. More than anything, I wish I’d hugged you and told you I’d miss you.

Be safe, husband. I’ll be waiting for you.

Yours,

Jane

I goto the next page and read the next letter.

Hey Grant,

You know what? For these letters, I’m going to refer to you as husband. I don’t know why, but I get all tingly just saying the word out loud. I still can’t believe we’re married but I’m glad we are.

I talked to you on the phone today and I can tell by your twenty questions that you were worried about me. I don’t want you to worry about me. I know that you should spend your time concentrating on your job but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I appreciate it. For the first time, I feel like I mean something to someone.

I sent you cookies today in the mail. Your favorite. Well, at least you said they were your favorite. And I sent you the pictures you asked for. I’m glad we had them taken at the wedding. Please take care of yourself. I hope you know that I’m thinking of you and missing you.

Your wife,

Jane

Husband,

I had no idea when you asked me to marry you that my life would change the way it has. I was lost after my brother died and I was scared to death, trying to figure out what I was going to do. You saved me. I don’t know if you know that or not. But you did. And you continue to do so.

I hate being sick. Hate it! And I was ready to suffer through it. I should have known the way you rushed off the phone the other day after finding out I had the flu that you were up to something. It wasn’t one hour later and there was a knock at my door. How in the world you got a home health nurse to come here on such short notice is beyond me. You’ll be happy to know that even though I told her I was fine and could take care of myself, she didn’t listen. She’s been here for three days and I’m pretty sure costing you a fortune.

You better watch out, husband, because you keep this up and I’m going to fall even harder for you. Do you want that?

Your loving wife,

Jane

I focus on the word “loving”until the black letters are blurry against the cream paper. I shake my head and continue reading. There are letters where she’s asking me questions, wanting to get to know me better, and then there are letters where she talks about how she’s never been more alone than she is now, but she doesn’t feel lonely.

I sit here for hours poring over her words that are unfiltered, and while I do, I get to know her even better.

When I get to the end of the thick book, I see the letter that she wrote last week after finding out I’m coming home.

To my husband,

You’re coming home. I still can’t believe it but I’m so excited I can barely contain myself. I have all these dreams for when you come home. Have I told you about them? I think about it all the time but I can’t remember if I wrote you about them or not so here it goes.

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