Page 18 of Beyond Reason

There’s a lull in the conversation, and I know better because Griffin is one of those guys that knows me really well. “Okay, so we got the niceties out of the way, tell me how you’re really doing.”

I open my mouth to say everything is okay, but instead I just huff out a big breath. I’m tired of keeping it all in and dealing with it on my own. “I’ve been having nightmares.”

“Hmmm,” he says.

“Yeah, they’re pretty bad, and Jane, uh, Jane tried to wake me up the other night and I had her by the throat… so yeah, things aren’t going that well.”

“Is she okay?”

Of course Griff is going to be concerned about Jane. That’s who he is, and I’m thankful for it. “Yeah, she’s really good actually. She’s not happy that I’ve locked her out of the bedroom, but physically, she’s okay.”

“Hmmm,” he says again, and I can’t help being frustrated.

“What? If you got something to say, just say it.”

“When did the nightmares start?”

I don’t even have to think about it. “The day I turned in my retirement papers.”

“Do you regret retiring?”

I try to hold back a laugh. “Not even a little bit.”

“Okay, since you got home, are the nightmares worse? More frequent?”

“What the hell, Griff? Did you get a degree in social work or some shit? What’s with all the—”

He cuts me off. “Just answer the damn questions.”

“No, they’re not worse. I’m actually having them less since I got home, but I’m not sleeping well because I’m worried I’ll have one. I’m thinking I need to leave… that’s the only way I’ll know for sure that Jane is safe.”

“Fuck, you’re a dumbass, you know that, right, Grant?”

I’m not the least bit offended because this last week I haven’t felt very smart. “Whatever, man, you got some advice or what?”

“You’ve loved this chick—”

“Hey.” I grunt at him.

“Right? You’ve loved Jane for seven years now, and you were bursting at the seams to get home to her. Of course, with all the changes and uncertainties, you’ve got a lot of shit going on. Give yourself some time. You definitely shouldn’t leave the wife you just got home to. That would be asinine.”

I lay the book of Jane’s letters in my lap and trace the leather binding with my finger. “What if I hurt her?”

“You won’t.”

I shake my head, wishing I could believe him. “You don’t know that.”

“Look, Grant. Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about this and let her decide.”

“She doesn’t think I’d hurt her.”

He laughs. “Sounds like she knows you better than you know yourself.”

I grunt in frustration. “Griffin, you know it’s not that easy. You know that anything can happen—”

He interrupts me. “Yeah, I do know. But I also know that you have to work through this. Don’t throw away your marriage because of this. She’s stood by you for seven years… Don’t push her away now.”

All I can think about is how I don’t want to lose her. “Right. I got it. Thanks, brother.”

---