Page 61 of The County Fair Queen

"You're leaving in two days. Does it really matter what I wanted?"

I exhaled; exhausted, but not quite ready to close my eyes. We'd always had an expiration date. One I'd been counting down the days to like the world's worst advent calendar. With the newness of affection sparking inside of me, the threat of losing him felt so real that it almost seemed like the walls themselves were closing in around me.

"I'm no good at this love stuff," I finally said.

He sucked in a sharp breath. "Love stuff?"

I nodded. "It takes a brave person to put themselves out there. Braver than me, at least. I tried before. I really did. I chased after love, but it was always three steps ahead. Those guys, they just broke me over and over, and now there are all of these pieces of me, and they're jagged and rough, and none of them fit. I've tried to put myself back together the best I can, but each time I crack, the pieces they left behind just get smaller and smaller. I don't think there's enough glue in the world to fix me." I leaned back, resting my head against the wall. "After a while, I just gave up.You can't break if you hide yourself away in the cupboard, you know? Then you came along." I sniffled, not bothering with the tear falling down my cheek. "I think I let myself get carried away in all of this. I guess I thought you were feeling it, too, but then you didn't kiss me for real." I closed my eyes. "I wanted you to kiss me so bad."

"I wanted to kiss you, too."

"Then why didn't you? I know there was a camera in the room, but I wouldn't have minded them seeing."

"No. Not just at my house. Back when we were still in school. I wanted to be brave like you. After everything they put you through, you never let them steal your sparkle. I was so scared someone was going to find out I was bisexual, but then I'd see you, and I just…" He sighed, leaning his head against the wall and staring up at the ceiling. "I wanted to kiss you, too. I just didn't want our first kiss—hell, probably our only kiss—on camera. I've waited twenty years for that kiss, baby, I didn't want to share it with the world."

"Good," I whisper, because it puts my mind at ease. "I wasn't brave, though. I don't know why you think I was." Squeezing his hand a little tighter, I continued, "If I was brave, I would have shown you the letters and the heart on my baseboard."

He chuckled. "How high are you right now? You're not making any sense."

"I'm making perfect sense. You just don't see it. I wish you did. I want you to see it. To see me. When we were younger, I carved our initials in my baseboard. PF hearts RR." I closed my eyes, because the lids had become too heavy. Or maybe it was just the shame that had gotten heavier. I wasn't sure. "I used to lie in bed and dream up this whole world where you liked me back. I even dreamt of us winning Muscadine King and Queen together. I wanted to be your queen, but you ran off before I could tell you."

His throat clicked, and his grip became almost unbearable. "You scratched our initials into your wall?"

Fuck. He was right. I must have been stoned. Rivers was just sitting over there looking all dreamy and perfect—everything I could never be—ripping secrets out of me I had no intention of sharing.

"Baby?" he whispered, finally turning to meet my gaze. "Will you show it to me sometime?"

"Yeah, I want to," I said. "I'm sorry I've been a dick to you since I got home. I'm sorry for everything."

"Home," he whispered, his eyes locked on the floor in front of him. It was like he was trying the words on for size. "Home."

It was clear we were going to be stuck there for a while. The timer was counting down until my inevitable departure, and as seconds turned to minutes, I wanted the clock to stop altogether. I wanted to freeze the moment and never leave. Letting go of his hand proved to be tricky, as he simply latched on even harder when I tried to pull away. In the end, he relented. I grabbed the thin blanket off the cot and laid it against the concrete next to him. He did the same, spreading his beside mine. He laid down, snaking his arm through the bars that separated us, until we were spooning.

"Promise me something," I said as his breaths evened into repetitive cycles. "Please don't forget me."

"How could I ever forget you?" he breathed, his breath tickling the back of my neck. "I'm going to miss you so much, Phillip."

I placed my hand over his and guided it to my heart. "I miss you already."

At dusk, team Firecracker arrived to pick us up. The camera crew brought the footage from that morning to the station. Though my behavior had been terrible, it showed Danvers initiating the confrontation. The footage cut out seconds beforeRivers punched Danvers, and when Brenda/Carole's eyes met mine, she smiled and gave me the subtlest of nods.

The officer at the front desk asked if I wanted to press charges against Danvers, but I just shook my head. I knew I had all the right in the world to demand he be brought to justice, but that would just mean dragging Rivers into more of my mayhem. Kicking up more fuss, only to leave a cloud of dusty legal yellow tape behind when I sped out of town. So, when Rivers asked if I was sure, I gave him a solemn nod, unable to look him in the eyes, and I walked out of the station. Away from the madness, and away from my mayor.

Chapter Fifteen

YOU'RE NOT A MISTAKE

On what would be my last day in Tallulah, Texas, Brenda/Carole informed me I would need to break up with my mayor. We were set to film before the king and queen were announced, and aside from a few text messages to brainstorm what we were going to say, I hadn't seen or spoken to Rivers all day. After the evening we spent together in jail, his hand resting over my heart for hours, there was this unbearable craving inside of me. If it hurt this much to go a day without him, I had no clue how I would handle it once I was back home.

I'd kept my emotions in check for most of the day. Buy by the time the sun set over the horizon, I was a broken mess of a man. Tallulahns rushed around us, enjoying carnival games and carnival rides. As life bustled on, the small patch of grass we'd commandeered felt like a breeding ground for heartache. We'd been sitting there for ten minutes as the camera crew setup for the shot, neither of us saying a word.

"Alright, boys," Brenda/Carole said. "We're just about ready." She took a seat in front of us, reaching toward the bowl of muscadines I'd brought for our picnic. She grabbed one, popping it into her mouth, and moaned as the flavor traveled across her tongue. "God, those are good. Okay, here's how this is going to work. When we first got here, I figured this would be a shitstorm of epic proportions. I wasn't expecting much when I signed on, but I think this has a real shot of being a hit. The chemistry between you is electric." She turned to Rivers. "Excluding yesterday, at least. Do you know how much time we're going to have to spend editing the footage to make you come across as likable? Your behavior was unacceptable, and if you try something like that again, I'll see to it that your career in small-town government is just as brief as Phillip's solo career. There was way too much anger on your part, Lake—"

"His name isn't Lake. It's Rivers," I said, my voice cracking. "Stop calling him that." He squeezed my hand, and I pretended like the act didn't shatter me all over again.

"It's okay, Firecracker," he said, his voice small and shattered, just like mine.

"It's not okay. You've gone out of your way to help us—to help me. You didn't have to do any of this. The least she can do is say your name right." I glared at her. "It's Rivers."

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