Page 39 of Broken Bonds

“Go ahead and lie back,” the sonographer tells me, “and lift your shirt up for me.”

I do as I’m told, tucking my shirt into the band of my bra. A wave of nervous energy courses through my body and I clench my fists tightly in an attempt to stop the trembling in my fingers. A chill runs through my body as my thoughts turn dark with worry, a voice in the back of my mind warning me that the ultrasound tech may tell me something heartbreaking, like one of my babies no longer has a heartbeat or that something is wrong with one of them.

With the loss of my alphas, my hope for good things happening has been lost, and now I have a persistent voice in my head cautioning me of all the bad things that could potentially happen any time I do anything. There’s this pit in my stomach that hasn’t left since that awful night, and it makes me feel nauseous as it threatens to consume me.

It’s a maddening feeling, having no control over your thoughts. I’m constantly faced with the same negative thoughts playing on a loop in my head, no matter how much I try to ignore them. I just want it to be quiet in there for a while, to give me just a moment of peace.

“Are you wanting to find out the genders?”the tech asks as she squirts the gel on my abdomen, giving me a kind smile.

“No. I don’t want to know,” I tell her, shaking my head and swallowing around the knot in my throat.

“That’s okay. Plenty of moms choose not to find out. They say the excitement of finding out when they get here is totally worth it.”

As soon as the wand touches my belly, the room is filled with the fast and steady rhythm of three little heartbeats. When I look at the screen, tears fill my eyes as I see the three of them, two of them tucked close together while baby C is tucked a bit further away alone. As I look on, all three of them start wriggling around, stretching their newly formed limbs, and relief fills me.

The ultrasound tech points out little things to me like their hands or when baby A is sucking on their fist. When it’s time for her to check their genders, I glance away, not wanting to accidentally see anything.

Once she’s gotten everything she needs, she puts the wand away and helps me clean my belly off. Sitting up, I adjust my shirt back into place before taking the pictures she printed off for me that has the babies labeled. As I trace my fingers over their pictures, my nose stings with the onset of the tears that I’m trying to hold back.

After putting away all her equipment, the technician offers to accompany me to my patient room. I get to my feet and move to follow her out of the room, and we silently walk down the hallway until we stop at a room. She gestures for me to go inside, and I do. Once she’s let me know my doctor will be with me shortly, she closes the door and I’m alone for the moment.

I set my things down and sit on the exam table, staring at the wall as I attempt to gather my thoughts. I’ve only been sitting for a few minutes before a knock sounds at the door and I call for them to come in.

“Hey Ramsey. I just need to get your blood pressure and all that good stuff before she comes in,” Nurse Carol says, giving me a sympathetic smile.

I hate those smiles. It’s what everyone gives me now when they see me.

They scream,poor Ramsey, the omega that lost all her mates tragically.

Giving her a nod, I lift my arm so she can wrap the blood pressure cuff around it.

“How have you been since everything? Anything you want to about talk with Doc Moreno specifically that I should bring up to her before she comes in?” Carol asks while she listens to my pulse with her stethoscope as she puffs up the cuff.

I take a deep breath and avoid her gaze.

“I’m… not doing great, Carol. I-I’m having trouble keeping my food down and sleeping, as well as a few other things,” I tell her softly, looking down at my feet.

When she releases the cuff, she pats my arm. “Okay, sweet girl. I’ll let her know. Just tell her everything and let’s see what can be done, alright?”

“Okay.”

“She’ll be right in with you.”

As the door shuts behind her, I’m once again left to my own devices, giving me the chance to drift off into my own thoughts and daydream.

Ollie and Rule had been with me for my last appointment. Since they hadn’t been able to make it to the previous ultrasound, they had taken the day off work to attend that one.Being pregnant with multiples brings its own set of advantages, one of which is the extra sonograms you get. It eases something in me to see them growing at each appointment, knowing for certain they’re okay.

I can still remember how they bombarded my doctor with endless questions, and she answered them all calmly and confidently. I had to nearly drag them out so she could get to her other patients, and by the time we made it back to the car, they had created a fresh list of questions to ask her during the next visit.

I can’t help but smile as I recall informing them that there was no chance in hell they would be returning to my next appointment. I was mortified, yet I couldn’t deny the love that had filled me that day from witnessing their care and earnest desire to be involved with everything that came with my pregnancy.

I’m not sure how long I wait for Doctor Moreno to come in, but when she does, I feel my shoulders sag and my eyes well up with tears almost immediately. She gives me a look of understanding, her brown eyes sparkling as she sits and moves her chair closer to me.

Doctor Isabel Moreno was the one doctor out of the three I had to choose from that I felt the most comfortable with. Something about her kind eyes and reassuring smile eased me when I’d entered her office. On our very first visit, she listened attentively, and I felt heard and understood with no attempt to change my mind about any of my wishes. She motivated me to speak up without hesitation.

“Tell me about it?”

Her words are spoken with a delicate lilt, always more of a question than an order, which I’ve always appreciated. She doesn’t force you to tell her anything, but she lets you know she is your safe space when you’re ready.

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