Page 40 of Broken Bonds

I look down at my lap, feeling the roughness of my cuticles as I try to find the right words to explain what I’ve been feeling. A knot of anxiety takes root in my chest as I brace myself to tell her everything I’ve been dealing with, and I have to clench my fists again to steady the shaking.

“Most days, I feel like I’m suffocating, as if I’m in a room with no windows or doors. My head is flooded with worries and anxieties, and my stomach churns constantly. I try to distract myself, but the thoughts keep pounding in my head, like a drum. My heart aches so much that I’m torn between shedding endless tears or lying motionless in my bed. I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, and all I can manage to do is pick at my food. Maybe get a couple of hours of sleep on a good day.”

I take a deep breath before I reveal the next bit to her because I know it’s going to sound so terrible.I’ve been battling with the guilt over feeling this way for weeks on top of all the grief and pain of losing the guys.

“I feel like I’m stuck in an endless loop of hopelessness. I don’t want to be here without my alphas, and that voice inside my head whispers that I’d be so much happier if I’d just let go.”

I let out a choked sob, my hands covering my face in humiliation.

The shame is overwhelming when those thoughts invade my mind.

Will I ever be capable of being the mother that I want to be if I can’t even find the inner strength I need to bring my children into this world? The strength to keep on living. To keep going in life, since that is the unfortunate truth of life, isn’t it?

Although the ones we love are no longer here, life continues to move forward. The earth keeps spinning, and everyone carries on with their day-to-day lives.

For me, it feels as if the world stopped moving when my alphas died, but for everyone else, it was just another day. Sure, the people who knew them felt their loss, but eventually the sadness faded, and they had to go back to their normalcy.

I’m the sole prisoner in this torturous limbo now, and I don’t know how to claw my way back out to the light.

Doctor Moreno doesn’t speak, just sits there silently rubbing my back and allowing me to cry it out. After several moments, I finally rein the tears in and bring my sobbing back to a quiet hiccup and a sniffle every few seconds. She hands me a tissue and I smile at her gratefully without actually looking at her before blowing my nose, and then I take a deep breath and lift my eyes to hers.

“Feel a little better?” she asks with a small smile.

“For now,” I mumble.

She pats my thigh and rolls her chair back, grabbing my chart to make some notes. Once she’s finished, she looks back at me and gives me a sympathetic stare.

“I know you expect honesty from me, so I won’t sugarcoat it for you.” She sighs, closing my file. “Ramsey, you’re struggling with depression and a whole heap of anxiety right now. And I’m honestly not surprised. The fact that you have gone through something few omegas have experienced in this lifetime, while pregnant no less, and you’re still here, sitting in front of me? Those few that have gone through this… well… I’m sure you can imagine how it ended for them. What sets you apart from them, though, is something that none of them had. A reason to keep going, a new purpose in life. Something to fight to live for.”

“Now, I can provide a prescription for an antidepressant, but I want to be open and honest with you about it. Giving antidepressants to my pregnant patients is something that I’m not fond of doing. Although most people who have taken them throughout their pregnancy have experienced no issues, I still believe that there hasn’t been adequate research conducted to ensure that no one will have future complications. Ultimately, the choice is yours, and if you make the determination to take that route, I will listen.”

I anxiously gnaw on the inside of my cheek. I strongly dislike the idea of having to rely on medication to make it through this. Not while I’m pregnant with multiples.I already have enough risks to worry about, so adding potential complications from antidepressants doesn’t need to be added to my never-ending list. But I also know I can’t keep on going like this.

I’ve got to do…something.

“What are my other options?” I finally ask her, deciding to do whatever it takes to bring myself back for the sake of my babies.

She takes the time to discuss all the different options with me thoroughly and provides me with informational pamphlets and recommendations for grief counselors she believes could be beneficial. Lastly, she tells me about a local grief support group and encourages me to go, telling me she thinks hearing others talk about their losses and how they’re managing will be helpful.

After that, she measures my stomach and listens to the babies’ heartbeats before sending me on my way with an order to be back in three weeks. Booking my next appointment at the front, I step out of the office feeling lighter and with a slightly more optimistic outlook on things.

It’s time to figure out what life is like without my alphas.

ChapterNine

FORDE

My heart is beating painfullyin my chest as I grip the steering wheel in front of me.

I have a goal for today, and that goal is to get Ramsey out of her house and take her somewhere where she can release all her pent-up emotions in a way I feel will be effective and beneficial for her.

The other evening, Jillian unintentionally revealed how much Ramsey has been suffering this past month, and when she enteredJinxthe other day, it felt like my heart was being held in a vice grip. As if someone had reached inside my chest and was trying to crush it in their palm.

She’s lost weight, her face thin and pale, and her eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles. Jillian says she won’t talk to her, which means she’s bottling everything up and locking herself away from everyone.

That just won’t do.

I felt helpless as I stared at her, my thoughts running wild and every muscle in my body growing tense.Link said not to interfere. That we’ll know when we need to step in.

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