Page 67 of Ho Ho Oh No

From the row behind us, Aaron mutters to Jonesy, “Fifty bucks says at least one of the babies comes out swearing.”

Jonesy barks out a laugh. “No way, man. That’d be a fool’s bet.”

To hide my laugh, I turn my head toward my armpit and cover it with a fake cough.

“I heard you, A-a-ron.” She huffs out three controlled breaths, and some of the tension in her body visibly loosens. “And I know you’re laughing, Sawyer.” More deep breaths, some with hints of a sigh braided through them.

Since the profanity has stopped and she’s unclenched her fists, I’m guessing the pain has passed for now.

I check my watch, noting the time. “Contraction over, princess?”

She adjusts her positioning, rolling farther onto her side. “Yes. I’m okay now.”

“Wowsers. What a long one.”

“That’s what she said,” she deadpans, seemingly returning to her typical, sarcastic personality. She even attempts to smile. And she gets close.

Soclose.

She expels a weary sigh. “How long was it?”

“Almost a full minute.”

Her mood turns on a dime, giving me no time to react. With her chin wobbling and tears pooling in her eyes, she rushes out,“I’m sorry I’m such a bitch. I didn’t know this pain would let my rage monster call the shots.”

The pitch of her voice rises, and she starts sobbing. “I don’t want to be a bitch to you. I love you so much. But I’m being so mean to you, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m just a terrible bitch. You probably hate me.”

“Hey, hey, shh.” I grab her hand and thread our fingers together, bringing them to my mouth for a kiss. “It’s okay, princess. I know you’re hurting.”

She sniffles. “So youdothink I’m a bitch.”

Dammit. Walked right into that one.

The guys all chuckle. To be fair, I would have if I were in their places.

“No, Sammy. I didn’t mean it that way. I lov?—”

“Yes, you did.”Tears flow down her cheeks in a deluge. “You think I’m a bitch. You married a bitch, and now you’re stuck. I’m gonna make you miserable for the rest of your life. Our kids willprobably be little bitches too.” She wipes her tears on the sleeve of her elf costume.

The guys have the right idea about staying silent. Icannotcome out of this unscathed.

But I’m no quitter.

“I didn’t marry a bitch. I married the love of my life. She’s a fucking warrior who is gonna kick labor right in the balls.”

Three more sniffles and her tears finally ebb. “You really think I can do this?”

“Yes, princess. I know you can. And our kids are gonna be fucking awesome. With us as their parents, they’re already perfect, and they aren’t even here yet. Once they get to hang out with us, they’ll just get better as they age.”

“Like cheese.” Her chest quivers with a sigh. “And wine. I miss wine.”

“On the bright side, you can have champagne for New Year’s.”

She pulses our joined hands and whispers, “Sawyer, I’m scared. The pain is far worse than I imagined, and it’s just starting.”

I catch Tomer’s attention in the rearview. “How much longer, T?”

“Little over four minutes,” he answers, not a hint of stress or worry in his voice.

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