Page 68 of Ho Ho Oh No

He’s our rock when shit gets hairy. I hope I can return the favor when Lettie’s time comes.

“We’re scanning behind us for tails. Nothing so far,” Jonesy offers.

My eyes find Sammy’s once more. “Four more minutes, princess. Then we’ll get you some drugs, and you’ll be golden.”

“I want the good drugs. Double what they give everyone else since I’m having twins.”

I play along because it’s nice to dream. “I’ll be sure to inform the doctor.”

“Let’s get the brand name. No generics. I don’t want to risk it.”

Aiming to cheer her up, I throw my voice intoold reliable. “Could you imagine something so ghastly?” I click my tongue twice. “I shant allow such atrocities to befall you, your grace. Generics are for peasants, not royalty. Nothing but the best for my princess. We’ll spare no expense. Shall they try otherwise, I’ll bring about the wrath of our entire monarchy.”

Sammy’s smile blooms like a flower in spring. “I love you, Sawyer.”

She puckers her lips, and I bend to give her a quick peck. “And I love you, Sammy.”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Tomer starts. “Not to be contrary, but generic prescription drugs have the same efficacy as brand names. The active ingredients are identical, and the FDA rates them equal in safety to their higher cost counterparts.”

Leo taps him on the side of the arm for me. “It’s just a joke, T.”

“Oh.”

Some things never change.

Suddenly, Sammy’s breathing intensifies, and her jaw tightens. The hold she has on my hand steadily becomes painful. I check my watch. It’s too soon for another contraction.

Shit. They’re coming faster than they said they would in birthing class.

Unless she’s been in labor for two fucking days and didn’t realize it or refused to admit it.

Sammy’s stubbornness is legendary, and I’m betting she thought she could stop her labor until after Christmas by sheer force of will. I fucking dig that about her. Nonetheless, it’s highly inconvenient tonight.

“Oh fuck,” she says, practically breathing out the words. “It’s a big one.”

I attempt to make her smile through the pain by throwing our favorite joke back at her. “That’s what she said.”

“Don’t fucking joke right now. This is serious shit, Sawyer. I think the babies are coming. Like now. So much pressure.Fuuuck.”

My spine stiffens. “You can’t push yet, baby. Squeeze my hand and breathe through it.”

“Iambreathing. Open your eyes and ears, Sherlock. I sound like a lifetime chain smoker with black lung disease trying to climb Mount Everest.” Her lips round into an O-shape, and oxygen rushes in and out in giant swells. “Twenty-five. Fuck. Twenty-five percent. We weresostupid. Why did we do that?”

Because we were horny as fuck, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and too impatient to buy condoms.

“I got you, Sammy. We’re almost there. I can see the hospital.”

She nods, presses her lips together, and grits her teeth, the pain still ravaging her. I check my watch again. This one has been longer than a minute. My hand has lost all feeling. However, I’m not as stupid as people think, so I don’t say shit about it.

“Open your mouth and breathe, princess. You can’t hold your breath.”

“Fuck, maybe I do need help remembering to breathe after all.” She complies, air sailing out of her in a rush. “I need drugs.Somany drugs. All the fucking drugs. Epidural. The shit they put in through the IV. Morphine. Dilaudid. Oxycodone. Percocet. I want them all. Just keep ‘em coming. Don’t forget the happy gas. Noxide something. Nio... neo...”

“Nitrous oxide,” Tomer corrects, unable to tolerate her bumbling. “And oxycodone and Percocet are the same thing.”

Sammy ignores his corrections in favor of continuing to rattle through a list of enough drugs to put King Kong in a coma.

“Toradol. Isn’t that what those shots are called? I’ll take two of those. Or Tramadol and-uh... hydrocodone. Yeah. I want that and a few Vicodin.”

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