Page 66 of Ho Ho Oh No

“Want something to eat? How about some meatballs?” Mia asks, opting for distraction.

Growing agitated, Mrs. Klein shakes her head aggressively and begins pulling at the roots of her hair.

And it hits me.

I ease over at a snail’s pace so I don’t startle her and quietly ask, “Mama Klein, did you want us to bring Santa the bag of presents?”

Her sweet, sad eyes meet mine, and gratefulness dusts her features. A subtle nod and sigh of relief is our answer.

“Santa needs the presents,” Klein repeats, flashing questioning eyes at Mia.

She whispers, “We have to take her, or she’ll melt down.”

I clap my hands, eager to blow this pop stand. “I’ll get my purse. You get the presents.”

Right after I stop by the bathroom to remove this vibrator.

Chapter 18

Not-so-silent night

SAWYER

“Twenty-five!” Sammy wails, her hands balled into fists and hovering in front of her face as if she could punch away the pain.

From the front seat, Leo tosses a sidelong glare at me. I ignore it. No fucking way I’m discussing this topic with him.

Not now.

Not ever.

She screams it again, louder this time. The SUV windows rattle.

I keep rubbing her shoulders, whispering reassurances. “We’re almost there, princess. Just a few more minutes. You can do this. I’m right here with you.”

She punches the seat. “Twenty-five!” she bellows, then repeats it with added F-bomb flare. “Motherfucking twenty-fucking-five!”

“Sammy, I’ll have you at the hospital insixminutes. Not twenty-five,” Tomer responds, oblivious to what she’s referring to.

Thankfully.

No one in the vehicle, besides Sammy and me, needs to know that she’s pregnant because when she ordered me to finishinside her, she said there was only about twenty-five percent chance of getting pregnant. It shall stay our little secret.

Clearly, the pain has Sammy regretting I took those odds. As for me? I’d do it again a hundred times over.

I only wish she wasn’t in so much pain.

“When you see our babies, it’ll all be worth it, princess.”

“Iknow. I’m holding this over their heads for the rest of my life.” She’s about to chip a tooth from gritting her teeth. “Fucking motherfuckers. Why can’t men have the babies since they’re so tough? This is bullshit.”

She’s sprawled out on the middle row of the SUV with her head in my lap. No one in our four-man impromptu security detail—Tomer, Leo, Aaron, and Jonesy—has spoken for the entire ride aside from Tomer a few seconds ago. They know if they speak, they’ll be evisceratedwithin an inch of their lives.

Turns out, intense labor pains make my princess a wee bit verbally stabby.

I kiss her forehead, then brush her hair from her damp forehead. “Breathe, Sammy. You have to breathe. In for three, out for three. Remember?”

“I know how to fucking breathe, Sawyer. I’m in labor; I’m not a moron.” Her face scrunches with pain, and she hisses through it. “Fucking shit cock balls ass. I hate thisshiiit.”

---