“I got very defensive, and I didn’t know why. But after hearing what the doc said and then coming back here, the realization hit me and it caused me to spiral.
“Today scared the shit out of me. I can’t even imagine what level of pain is going through your mind and what today felt like. But I thought I lost you. I will tell you why someday, but right now, just trust me and believe that it was like a nightmare coming true and it hit some part inside me. We have built this odd definition of a friendship based on being in silence in a world full of chaos, trying to take us down without knowing exactly what each other’s demons are. And the idea of losing that made me spiral. Just the knowledge that I can be there for you and somehow you know to be there for me, even without words, has meant more than you will ever know.
“These last few months have given me a purpose I didn’t realize I was missing. And even if it’s sitting in the shed on a rainy day or sitting around the fire, those days have given me a chance to escape my mind. But then hearing Lachlan say that I may not be the exact person you need caused my mind to spin and make me believe that I really am not. And that I have made up this entire arrangement for selfish reasons and that you are just wishing I would get the hint and go away.”
Words fail me once again. This is the most Landon has ever spoken in the months that we have known each other, and every word felt like he was speaking directly from my soul. Because I have felt the same way on so many days that Landon was on a mission. That maybe he didn’t need the shared silence as much as I did. And it hurts like hell that he felt the same way, but one comment from his friend made him think otherwise.
I go to speak and start and stop a few times, unable to find the right words to convey what is going on inside my head. Finally, after a few tries, I meet his gaze and see him sitting there patiently waiting for me to find the right words. He doesn’t look angry, upset, or regretful that he just spelled everything out and I am here, unable to find a single word.
“Words fail me most days. And not because there aren’t words in the dictionary to describe how I feel. It’s because for months,heused words as a weapon against me. I became so used to not saying anything at all to have an ounce of relief. When I met you, I feared you would want to talk. But you didn’t. And quickly I learned that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Silence once meant something bad was coming as a consequence of words that were spoken. And now, with you, silence is a safe space for my mind not to wander.
“Sitting in silence with you while you battle your mind has allowed me to rediscover that silence isn’t always a form of punishment. It can be a break in the storm, even if it’s just a small patch of sunshine on a rainy day. From day one, you have made me feel safe, and that I didn’t need to rush getting back to whatever normal is. And is that an odd definition of a friendship? Yes. But it is the right thing for me right now and I do not want to lose that. So if Lachlan needs you. I get it. I will figure it out. But he is very wrong. People have different definitions of helping others, but what you are doing for me is right, and no one needs to understand that but you and I.”
I stare at my hand, giving him space to think and force my mind to stay in the moment and not let it run wild.
“I have no words other than thank you.”
My head pops back up. “Not sure what you are saying thank you for, but you’re welcome.”
Landon looks back to the window. “Damn, that weather report wasn’t lying. It’s really coming down out there.”
I nod.
“Uh–do you want help getting up to bed? And do you mind if I borrow a blanket so I don’t freeze my ass off while I sleep in the truck?”
My brows furrow, “Why the hell—Nevermind. You aren’t sleeping in your truck, crazy man. You can sleep on the couch. And no, I won’t need help upstairs, because I will sleep right here. It’s going to get freaking cold up there and my Alabama self isn’t used to these conditions.”
Landon takes a moment, then nods. We both go back to looking out the window and I start drifting off to sleep. But as I do, Landon clears his throat and I look over to see him lying on the couch, the blanket covering him, his focus on the snow falling outside.
“Words may fail us day in and day out, but just know, on the days where we don’t say a single word, my mind is still silent and I have no idea why…That’s why I said thank you.”
And with that little thought nestled in my mind, I drift off to sleep knowing that I still have so many questions, but know one thing is for certain. Pain may linger, words may cease to exist, but a true friend can make the difference of your world being total darkness or having a tiny beacon of light in the sea of total blackness.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Allie
“Landon! Wake up!”
Landon jerks awake as the pillow hits him directly in the face. He sits up and looks around, then squints his eyes at me. “Al. What the fuck?”
I try to hide the laugh behind my sleeve covered hand but I can’t. “Sorry not sorryLan. Your damn snoring would wake up a damn bear during hibernation. Seriously, you need to get that checked out!”
Landon groans and flops back onto the couch, covering his face with his hand. “Whatever Miss Sleepy Chatty Cathy.”
I gasp. “Hey! I do not talk in my sleep, asshole!”
Landon shakes his head and laughs, his arm still covering his face. “Oh yeah, you do. And don’t worry. I won’t tell people you told all their secrets. Seriously Al, you are lucky it’s just me here because the shit you said was…interesting.”
I throw another pillow at him, this time hitting him right in the stomach. He pitches forward and lets out a huff.
“Dammit. Al! Where do you keep getting pillows?! Are you hoarding them next to your stash of secrets you keep underneath your blanket?”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head and stare out at the snow coming down outside.
I didn’t expect to sleep at all last night and it wasn’t because of the pain in my hand. It was because I let a man sleep within a few feet of me. And the weird thing is, I didn’t think for a moment that he would try anything. I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath, cleared my head, and fell asleep.
Now where my dreams took me…I’m going to leave that to the dark part of my brain I refuse to go to right now.