Page 69 of Forgiving Fate

Landon shocked me last night with his confession, and it showed a side of him I hadn’t seen before. We may have only been in each other’s lives for a few months, but every time we are together, I feel like he is slowly letting me see a piece of himself that I doubt he lets others see. And, I feel a weird sense of pride and comfort that I can not only be free to break down piece by piece in his company, but that he may be trying to do the same thing.

Movement catches my attention and I look over to see Landon standing and walking over to the kitchen. He goes to my medicine on the counter and awareness hits me right in the face and I glance down at my hand.

Flexing my fingers, pain radiates down my arm and I wince just as Landon walks up with medicine and a glass of water in hand.

His eyebrows raise and he nods at my hand with a questioning look.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” I say, taking the medicine and water.

Landon nods and moves to sit back on the couch, looking back out at the snow.

Silence blankets us like the snow is doing to the world outside and my mind drifts to images of yesterday. The knife hitting my skin in what I thought was an accident, but now that I’m thinking about it, I know in my gut it wasn’t. I wanted to feel something that wasn’t severe loneliness and guilt.

Looking down at my hand, tears well in my eyes as the gravity of how dark my mind went hits me.

Not wanting Landon to see, I try my hardest to not draw attention to myself as I wipe my tears, but it’s no use. That man has such a weird sensor in his brain that catches any hint of me being upset.

“Allie?”

Not wanting to see the concerned or pitying look on his face, I keep my eyes on the snow and say, “I’m fine.”

Silence fills the room once again until Landon speaks. “You’re not fine. But that’s okay.”

Goddammit Landon. His words bring the tears back full force, and I can’t contain them any longer. My vision blurs and my chest feels tight.

Fuck. I hate this so much.

Suddenly, Landon is kneeling in front of me, and his hand lightly touches my knee. For some reason, this movement makes me cry harder and I can’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. My chest constricts and I want it to all go away. I want the tears to stop. I want the pain to fade away, but it won’t. It never will.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try desperately to stop the tears, but my attempts are futile. I attempt to wipe my face, but pain radiates down my hand and arm as my injured hand tries to brush the tears away angrily.

“Fuck!” I audibly let out a cry in frustration and utter hatred for the state of my life. My hands start to shake and it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.

Please make it stop.

The feeling of warmth on my face causes my eyes to fly open, and I am met with Landon, holding my face in his hands. His dark blues meet mine and I can see that concern and worry pooling in the depths of his storm filled eyes.

“Breathe Allie.”

I nod and his hands remain on my face, his thumb swiping away the tears as they fall.

Landon repeats himself a few times until my breathing returns to normal and my body fills with an unexpected wave of exhaustion.

Landon searches my eyes as the last tear falls and says, “What do you need? What can I do?”

Words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them and Landon’s hands drop from my face and moves to hold my injured hand. “What do I need? I need my life to be back to fucking normal. I need my parents to be alive. I need to feel like I can talk to my best friend again because I miss her so much it hurts. I need to live in a world where bad people who hurt others just for the hell of it or to gain power over those that they see as weak don’t fucking win. I need…I need…”

Landon’s eyes remain locked on mine. “What sweetheart? Whatever it is, I will do everything in my power to get it for you.”

He searches my face for any hint and I let the words fly out of my mouth. “I need a fucking hug.”

Without hesitation, Landon leans back to sit fully on the ground and opens his arms. I hesitate for a brief second, but I need this so desperately I cannot think about everything that is possibly wrong with this situation. Instead, I lean forward and Landon brings me into his arms and situates me on his lap.

His arms wind around me and hide my face in his neck, the smell of cinnamon filling my nose. Hands move up and down my back and for the first time in months, I start to feel some of the tension leave my body.

Not allowing my mind to wander, I close my eyes and focus on Landon. His hands running up and down my back, the warm and comforting smell of his cologne, and the sense of complete and total safety.

We sit for seconds, minutes, hours, who knows how long before a chill rackets my body. Landon notices and taps my leg. “You okay if I set you down and go grab some more wood for the fireplace? It’s getting pretty cold in here.”

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