Page 55 of Bad Nanny

When I got to her studio door, there was a mechanical whirring sound coming through it. I knocked and couldn’t quite place what it was. The noise stopped, and a moment later, the door swung open.

Josie’s eyes were bloodshot, and the tip of her nose was red. Great. I’d made her cry.

She barely looked at me before she turned without a word and walked to the kitchen table that was covered in stuff. There was Penelope, felt, a hot glue gun, a large piece of foam that looked like it was from a couch, and a carving knife.

I set my phone on her nightstand by the door before going over and picking up Penelope. “You found her?” I’dalmost jumped in my car and gone searching for the puppet myself when Delaney had told me she dropped it.

“No. I made a new one.” Her voice was flat, and she picked up the carving knife. I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or if she’d literally made another. It looked brand new, but then again, Delaney did take good care of it.

“What are you making?” I glanced over at the couch, relieved to see all the cushions were in place.

“A hand puppet for Laney.” The knife turned on, and she picked up where she left off, carefully carving a piece of foam into a half sphere. “This is part of the head.”

“Cool.”

Cool? Really? That was all I could say to this woman who was upset with me and was now spending her free time making my child a puppet? I should have offered some kind of comfort or at least an apology for earlier. Instead, I started pacing back and forth, my thoughts racing.

Delaney’s heartbroken sobs echoed in my mind, her tear-filled questions piercing my heart all over again. I was supposed to protect her, yet I was the one who had hurt her. I’d failed at one of the biggest jobs I’d ever had. The thought of failing her again was terrifying.

The knife turned off and Josie glanced up from her work. “Am I fired?”

Her voice stopped me cold.

“No, how could you even think that? If anyone should be fired, it’s me.” She looked at me, confused, and the words started tumbling out in a rush before I could stop them. “I’ve failed her, Josie. I’m the reason she’s hurting so much. What kind of father does that to their child? Every time Delaneyasks about her mother...every tear she sheds...it’s on me.”

Josie stood but didn’t move toward me.

My breaths started coming faster, my heart pounding against my ribcage. “I’ve tried so hard to be enough for her, to make up for Victoria’s absence, but it’s never enough. She can’t even go out to fucking dinner! How is she going to start school? How is she going to make friends? What if she realizes my absence from her life is the reason her mother left?”

“Gabriel...” Josie’s voice was soft, a consideration I was certain I didn’t deserve.

My hands shook as I raked them through my hair. I’d held it together for so long, and now I was unraveling at the seams, every insecure thought I’d had over the last several months crashing down on me.

As the panic rose, threatening to choke me, Josie put her hand on my arm. “Breathe, Gabriel.”

“I should be able to handle this.” I could barely speak through my ragged breaths. “I should be stronger than this.”

“It’s going to be okay.” She was pulling me gently toward the couch.

I clutched at my chest, the tightness making it hard to breathe. Was I having a heart attack? The thought of leaving Delaney nearly brought me to my knees.

I ended up on the couch, Josie’s warm touch leaving my arm for a minute before she sat down next to me. “Close your eyes.” She pressed something to my chest, the coldness seeping through my T-shirt.

I leaned back against the cushions, my hands clenched tightly in my lap. I felt like I was drowning, the walls of theroom closing in on me, as I struggled to take a full breath. “I can’t do this.”

“Inhale through your nose, and out through your mouth. Nice and slow.” Josie’s calm voice and the ice pack sitting on my chest made the tension ease. “That’s it. In and out.”

My eyes cracked open, and I focused on her face. Her concerned eyes were locked on me, and I stared into them, trying to read what was in their depths. What must be running through her mind as she watched someone who was supposed to be in control completely lose it?

Josie took one of my fists and peeled the fingers back. She kissed the palm before threading her fingers through mine. “You’re an amazing father, Gabriel. Delaney is lucky to have you.”

I shook my head, unable to accept her words or to find my own to argue. I was an amazing CEO, but a dad?

She squeezed my hand, her thumb rubbing small circles on the back. “She lights up in a way that only someone who feels loved and protected can. You have a safe and secure home for her and have given her stability and love. You’ve juggled your company and her needs, and you’ve never once let her down.”

“I did today. I wasn’t there.” Squeezing my eyes shut again, I braced for the weight that had started lifting to slam back into my chest.

“Look at me.” Josie let go of my hand and gently but firmly took my face. “You can’t be everywhere all the time. It was an unexpected moment that could have happened to anyone. It’s happened to me multiple times and still does occasionally. It sucks, but it’s a part of the healing process. Youcan’t protect her from everything, no matter how badly you want to. What you can do is be there for her, help her through the hard times, show her she’s loved. You do all of that.”

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