Page 54 of Bad Nanny

Gabriel

The heavy silencethat filled Delaney’s room pressed down on my chest and made it hard for me to breathe. It felt like we’d taken so many steps forward, only for a single incident to send us spiraling backward.

Delaney sat sideways, snuggled up in my lap, a stuffed animal I’d gotten her when we went to Disneyland last summer clutched in her arms. She’d been so happy then, even if I only spent time with her two or three weekends a month.

I would pick her up on Friday afternoons from day care, and her mother would pick her up at my house on Sunday evenings. At the time, I was more than happy with the arrangement. Once Victoria was gone, and the guilt had set in, I took a closer look at just how absent I’d been from Delaney’s life.

Out of the three hundred and sixty-five days in a year, I’d spent about seventy of those with my daughter. The numbersdidn’t lie, and as a father and a co-parent, I’d failed. If I’d been around more, I could have prevented all the pain Delaney was in.

I’d had no desire to be with Victoria beyond the few times we’d slept together, but what if that could have been different? I could have at least tried, but instead, I took the easy way out.

Delaney’s sniffles stopped the spiral of my thoughts from going further. “Is Mommy ever coming back?”

I dabbed at her cheeks with a tissue, her tears never seeming to stop. “I don’t know.” It was hard to explain the situation when I didn’t want to make her think her mother was a monster. If and when she ever did come back, I’d at least let Delaney have a relationship with her.

“Why did she leave?” She looked up at me, her chin quivering and her blue eyes refilling with tears.

I knew the time would come when she’d start asking more questions beyond where her mother was, but I still wasn’t prepared for it. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to explain this to a five-year-old. “Well, sometimes adults need some time by themselves. Your mommy decided she needed a lot of that.”

“Was it because I was bad?” Tears fell down her cheeks and onto my shirt.

“It had nothing to do with anything you did, Laney. Adults make bad decisions, and your mom made one by leaving. She has a lot of apologizing to do.” Not that any amount of apologizing or excuses would ever make up for her abandoning Delaney.

“But I miss her.”

“I know, sweetie. But even if she’s not here, I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Delaney was quiet for a moment. “Does she miss me?” My heart ached at the uncertainty in her voice.

“Of course, she does. If I miss you while I’m at work, she misses you hundreds of times more.” I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I needed Delaney to feel loved and wanted.

“Why doesn’t she call me?” Her questions were killing me, and I wished I had someone to help me answer.

You do, you idiot, but now you’ve probably lost her.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I’d really fucked up.

“Daddy?” Delaney put her hand on my cheek. “It’s okay.”

Why was my heartbroken child the one comforting me now? “I’m sorry she doesn’t call. Maybe it makes her heart hurt too much.”

She snuggled in closer and yawned. “It makes my heart hurt...”

“What makes your heart happy?” I wanted her to focus on positive things before falling asleep. It was something the therapist suggested when she’d been having nightmares.

“You, coloring, Barbies, soda, Bluey, swimming, Uncle Noah, Uncle Lex.” Her voice got softer and softer as I stroked her hair. Just when I thought she was asleep, she added one more. “Josie.”

“Me too,” I whispered as I shut my eyes and leaned my head against the headboard.

Josie didn’t only make me happy, she made me feel hopeful that everything was going to be all right. She wasn’t just great with Delaney, but she was great with me too. Iknew I was tough to deal with at times; I liked things a particular way, I was too serious, I worried too much. But with her, that was all dulled.

So, why had I treated her like I had? She should be here with me, comforting Delaney and talking me off my ledge of self-loathing.

Once I was sure Delaney was asleep, I switched on the baby monitor that sent alerts to my phone and stepped out of her room, closing the door softly. I didn’t usually use the monitor anymore, but on bad nights, it was a necessity.

I stood in the middle of the hall and looked at the staircase. My emotions were so raw, and I felt so overwhelmed that I didn’t know if I could talk to Josie and keep it together. But would I be any better in the morning?

My feet moved me toward the stairs, the tension in my chest building with every step. I needed to talk to her, to apologize...to something.

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