Page 6 of Lexi, Property of Rhyder

“Lexi, you have to come, it won’t be the same without you. It’s our last weekend in the city. Come on… please,” Diane begs over the phone. I don’t know how to tell her I can’t go, the thought of going out makes my skin crawl. Fear hits deep in the pit of my stomach at the image of being out of the house. I hardly go out these days, I can’t leave the sanctity of my safe place. I only go to school and then back home, and today, I had lunch with my parents, Paige, and my girls where I felt secure.

“I’m sorry, Diane, I just can’t.” Tears blur my vision as the memory of what happened to me last time comes screaming back into my mind. I’ve learned my lesson, believe me, I have, and the thought of being around men, even in general, frightens me to death.

“I promised I’d babysit Paige for my parents. They have plans tonight.”

“Now I know you’re lying. Your dad said he had the night shift tonight. I was at lunch, remember? Come on, Lexi. This could be the last time we’re out together with us now going to different colleges. We won’t see each other all the time. Please?”

I bite down on my bottom lip, torn between the fear of being around strangers and the fact that I don’t want to let my friends down.

“Come on, Lexi. Do it for me.”

I sigh and let out a long breath. “Okay, fine… I’ll go.”

Diane squeals. “Great. I’ll be there in an hour. Wear something hot.”

I don’t reply. Wearing something hot is the last thing on my mind. There’s no way I am going to attract any male attention, but If I say that, Diane will know something’s up.

In the past, looking hot was a must. We would always try and outdo each other, and most of the time, Diane would be over at my house with clothes in her bag for me to wear because she’s always said my clothes are too conservative.

I know I should tell Diane and Stacey about what happened that night, but I just can’t. The thought of them with pity on their faces kills me. I know I was naïve to be out alone, and I don’t need my best friends telling me exactly that. Believe me, I know how stupid it was, and now I will have to live with that decision for the rest of my life.

“Who knows, maybe tonight’s the night you meet your prince charming and lose your virginity. We know you and Zane didn’t do the deed, so maybe tonight’s your night.”

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I feel my body tremble, and my knees buckle which causes me to sit on the edge of my bed.

Deep breaths, I tell myself as I feel a cold sweat wash over me.

“Lexi, are you there?”

Not wanting to give out any hint that something’s wrong, I quickly clear my throat and say, “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, see you soon. Oh my God, honestly, I can’t wait.”

Pressing ‘end’ on my cell, I sit for a minute gathering my thoughts. I can’t believe how much my life has changed since that night, how one awful trauma has ruined me for life. I can never look at another man. Well, maybe Rhyder is an exception, and I do see him in a nice way, but losing my virginity was supposed to be special, something I had envisioned happening when I found that one guy I wanted to give it to, the guy who I loved and would have loved me back. But now, that’s in the past because the reality is I lost my virginity to a man I don’t even know, a man who took my innocence while his two friends held me down and watched. A man whose breath was filled with alcohol and smothered me in it as he grunted with each thrust.

It hurt. It hurt so bad, and for days afterward, I could still feel the sting. I had to lie to my family and tell them that I had the stomach flu and couldn’t get out of bed. It was an excuse I used as to why I couldn’t go to school for a few days. I even had to hide why I walked weirdly, and when they asked, I told them it was because I took too many cycling classes and injured my thigh muscles.

If they knew what happened to me that night, I wouldn’t be going to Harvard, they would most likely make me defer for a year, so I can deal with what happened.

I can’t.

I can’t think about it.

I don’t want to think about it.

I want things to go back to the way they were before that night.

How did I becomethisversion of me?

I stand and walk to my mirror looking at my reflection, noticing the once-carefree girl who had excitement in her eyes to now being ripped bare of anything other than fear. Surrounding my mirror, I look at the pictures of me with my friends, me with Zane, my eighteenth birthday party earlier this year, and images of me with my parents and Paige.

What am I doing?

Why am I feeling so sorry for myself? I told myself I wouldn’t do this.

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