Page 43 of Inevitable

“Shhh…M, it's okay, I'm here…God, I'm sorry, don't cry,” Bash pleaded beside me as I felt his own tears on my skin. I scrambled up and threw my arms around his neck, burying my face there, my tears showing no signs of stopping. His strong arms wrapped around me and crushed me to him.

“Bash, please forgive me…you have to forgive me, I was so messed up…I didn't mean to do it, I ruined everything…I still need you, please don't go!” I blubbered into his skin. I was almost nonsensical in my rambling, not even sure the specifics of what I was apologizing for. Ignoring him, avoiding him, being angry he didn't love me, being jealous of Ainsley, hooking up with Kit just then…I was sorry for all of it. I let it all out as he held me tight, and I was positive the strength behind his hug was the only thing physically holding me together as I fell apart in front of him.

“M, I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't if I tried. Jesus, I missedyou so goddamn much and it was fucking killing me to think I lost you. I keep losing you…we have to stop pushing each other away. Fuck, we're such a mess, M,” Bash breathed out, his voice thick and watery.

I was almost inconsolable, not able to hit the brakes on the runaway train of misery that was barreling through my head. Bash said we kept pushing each other away, but I didn't see a way around it. We needed each other, but our feelings were on different wavelengths and it was only causing us both grief. He was right. We were a complete mess.

Bash didn't want me, but he didn't like Kit to have me because he thought he was stealing his best friend. I couldn't have Bash and was forcing myself to want Kit, but I still needed Bash in my life. However, being around him and not having him was heartbreaking, so I avoided him to cause myself less pain, but that in turn broke Bash's heart to lose me.Fucking Oprah herself couldn't help us sort out this tangle of shit we've gotten ourselves into.

“I don't know what to do, Bash,” I whispered in his ears, the tears finally slowing down enough that I was more coherent. “It hurts to be without you, it hurts to be with you…I don't know which is worse anymore. You don't want me, but then you seem upset when I try to move on with Kit…I don't know what to do with that.”

Bash stiffened under me at the mention of Kit. He didn't respond, and I grew frustrated. I pulled back to look at him, and quickly noticed that we were still on the ground just outside the frat house yard. “Why were you so angry with me when you saw us tonight? I know I've been avoiding you and hurt you because of it, but why get so angry about Kit?”

Bash's brows furrowed and he looked away from me, not giving any indication that he was going to answer.

“Bash, talk to me. Tell me why you were so upset,” I demanded softly. Things weren't clicking right in my head, and I needed this to make sense.

He closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. “It just…threw me for a minute. I know you said you were trying to move on from…your feelings for me, and…I don't even know,” he sighed, sounding just as frustrated as I felt.

Not letting him off the hook so easily, I pressed him. “Yes, you do know. Why does it matter that I'm moving on? That's what both of us need, right?” I didn't know why I was pushing him so hard for an answer, especially in light of the fact that I regretted the entire hookup and felt sick over it. Something prodded at me that there was more to his aversion than he was letting on.

“I don't know, M…it's over, just let it go,” Bash mumbled.

“No, tell me why it was such a problem for you. I want to understand!”

“God, I didn't fucking like it, alright? I just didn't like seeing you together, M, that's it!”

I was speechless, slowly processing his words. He could sense the giant “why” that was sitting on the tip of my tongue, and he rushed to cut me off. “Please don't ask me why it bothered me so much, M. I don't have it in me to get into that right now…please. Can we let it go?” he asked, looking me right in the eyes.

In that instant, with his hypnotic, penetrating gaze pinned on me, I would have done anything he asked. I would have fallen off the edges of the world holding his hand from just the look in his eyes.

I nodded at him solemnly, and he breathed a deep sigh of relief. He helped me to my feet, and for a few seconds we just stood there in silence, letting the calm after the storm settle over us. I couldn't help feeling like we were in the eye of the hurricane—a deceptive peace that would soon give way to a more damaging wave just over the horizon. If that was what the future held, then I was going to soak in every moment of beautiful peace with Bash that I could before it was all swept away again.

“Bash? I truly am sorry I hurt you…I still love you, BB,” I said, my voice wavering softly.

Bash's eyes softened and he once again enfolded me in his arms, giving me a firm hug that radiated affection and forgiveness. “I'm so sorry I hurt you, too…love you, M&M.”

We stood there holding one another for a minute, and then Bash pulled back to look at me. “How about I walk you home, and we watch some TV or something?”

I gave him a teary smile, almost weak with gratitude that he was willing to put the last shitty month behind us and stay with me. More than anything else, I needed my bestie tonight.

We got to my apartment soon after, and I took a few seconds to text Kit and let him know I got home safely and that I'd text him tomorrow. He left me on read. I wasn't sure what I was going to do about Kit after tonight, but I didn't have the mental capacity to make that decision yet.

Once I was changed into my PJs and back in the living room, I hovered in front of the couch, unsure how close Bash would want me. Cuddling was the norm in our relationship, especially when we had our movie nights, but I was suddenly nervous that maybe we weren't okay enough to handle that just yet. The choice was made for me when Bash reached for my hand and gently pulled me down right next to him,throwing his arm around my shoulders tightly.

It was like a pressure release valve for my nerves, deflating all the tension and angst that had built up over the last hour. I cuddled into his side as close as humanly possible, complete with my leg thrown over his thigh. He threw onDownton Abbeybecause he knew it was a comfort show for me when I was upset or sick.Always looking out for me, BB…why can't I just love you as a friend and be content with that? Why is my stupid, stubborn heart so set on something I can't have with you?

We were cuddled up comfortably for nearly two episodes, Bash randomly pressing soft kisses to the top of my head. Sometime into the third episode, Bash tensed up a bit in my arms just after Mary woke up with the dead, Turkish lover in her bed.

“Hey, M?…” he murmured softly to me, sounding a little nervous.

“What is it, BB?”

He hesitated, taking a deep breath and sounding like he kept trying to talk, but no sound would come out. I tried to sit up and face him, but he held on tight to me so that I couldn't see his face.

“I know I don't have a right to ask, but…what happened with Kit tonight, M?”

I froze, my body tightening up in his arms. I didn't want to think about the tragic mistake I had made with Kit tonight, and I certainly didn't want Bash to know the details. Shame draped over me in a heavy sheet, suffocating me. “Bash, I don't…” I started.

---