Page 70 of My Heart to Find

“I just can’t believe Jana set this up,” I say. “And people have donated four-hundred already.”

“You can buy me a new tablet then,” Esme shouts from the living room.

“This is for your sister’s treatment,” Mum says.

“I know,” Esme shouts back, and I swear I can hear her rolling her eyes.

“Well, I can give you a lift to Jana’s,” Mum says. “If you want?”

I nod and breathe slowly, trying to quieten down the voices in my head, the fears. It’s just a car-seat, I tell myself. I can change after—only I can’t tell myself it’ll be okay. And I don’t know why the seats in Mum’s car seem more dangerous than Damien’s sofa. But they do.

*

“MAYBE IT’S BECAUSEyou’ve tried for so long to keep your house a safe place,” Raymond says when I ask him what he thinks about my OCD varying in intensity in different locations after lunch. “And so you’re used to your OCD being worse when you’re in the house. Or in your mum’s car?” He pushes his hair back from his face. “I know with my OCD, a lot of it was just about habits, really. I’d got into the habit of doing things the OCD’s way in my house, with my parents. I always found it so much easier to make progress outside of the house.”

“But I just don’t get it,” I say. “I’ve never found it easy outside the house until now.” Juist thinking what some of my hospital appointments have been like—where I’ve been terrified to sit in waiting rooms—almost has me shaking with the memories.

“UntilDamien,” Raymond says. “Look, you know Ali calms me. Maybe Damien calms you in the same way.” He rubs his eyes. “There’s got to be science in it, right? Like, is it endorphins? Or serotonin? You know, what your brain produces when you’re with someone you really like. It makes you all calm and you don’t care about anything.”

It’s exactly what I was thinking about yesterday.

I raise my eyebrows. “But I love my mum too,” I whisper, and this has been going round and round in my head all day too. “But I still can’t hug her.”

“Not even like with a coat on?”

I shake my head, feeling like such a bad daughter. “Not even with a coat on.” I sigh, thinking of how upset she and Dad and Esme will be if they knew I’d held Damien’s hand. I can’t even explain it, why it’s different. Is it really because it’s a different place? Because when I get home I’m washing all traces of Damien off me completely, putting all my clothes in the wash and jumping in the shower?

“Sounds like a question for your therapist,” Raymond says with a chuckle. “But I’m proud of you, Cara. You’ve made progress. That’s got to be a good thing.”

I nod. Damien and I have arranged to see each other again tomorrow. And I’ve surprised myself by how much I’m looking forward to it. By how much my OCD isn’t reacting. Maybe once I’m fine with him touching me, then I’ll be fine with others too?

*

JUST BEFORE FIVE O’CLOCK, I head out to Jana’s apartment. It’s been months since I’ve been there, and I sincerely hope that River’s not there. I’m nervous as I walk from Mum’s car, feeling sick and giddy, strange.

“You’ve left your lair then,” River mutters, by way of a greeting when she opens the door. I’m just taking off my disposable glove, carefully folding it inside out. My finger feels burnt—I touched the doorbell, and I know logically there’s nothing on my hand, not when I had the glove on, but I can’t shake the feeling.

“Is Jana in?” I ask, bluntly ignoring her comment.

River gives a slight wave behind her with a flick of her hand. “Come on through.”

Jana’s in the living room, sitting on the blue sofa, her legs tucked under her, her Dell laptop on her lap. “You’re here!” Her face lights up a little as she sees me. She clears space on the sofa next to her, rearranging the monstrous number of cushions so I can actually sit on the seat.

River settles down on the opposite sofa. “Don’t suppose you’re staying for girls’ night?” Her tone clearly tells me I’m not invited.

“It’s Saturday?” I frown. “Thought those were Tuesdays?”

“They are,” Jana says. “This is an extra one. Phia needs the support—she’s the only one working atThe Red Pandanow, and it’s difficult. Plus, after my breakup I just want any excuse to see my girls. You can stay if you want, but no pressure, Cara. I don’t know what time Phia and Lizzy are arriving, anyway.”

“Won’t it be past your bedtime?” River snorts.

I glare at her.

“Okay, yeah, here’s the page,” Jana says, twisting her laptop around a little so I can see the screen. I see her give a sharp look to River. “We’ve got to set up the withdrawals.”

“Don’t you feel bad?” River lifts one perfect leg and crosses it over the other. “Taking other people’s money just so you can pursue this idea that you’re ill?”

“You know what?” I stare at River. “I’ve had enough of you and your snide comments.”

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