Page 69 of My Heart to Find

My heart is pounding, and nerves are flying through me. The OCD’s waking up—but maybe I can squash it down. And it’s easier, because I know I’m going to shower later. If this was at my house, it would be a different matter.

But it’s not.

I never realized it before—but my OCD can be quiet.

And when I test it, when I don’t automatically shrink back at the slightest contact, following my usual routine, my OCD doesn’t scream at me as much. Damien’s here and I can touch his hand.

And oh my God—this isthatstereotype, that chronic illness has a cure and it’s aman. Shame fills me. It has to just be a coincidence, doesn’t it? Or the distraction... But I can already feel the eye-rolls of feminists, as if someone they all know what I’ve just realized about myself.

I take a deep breath. Then I think of what Raymond said about Ali—how she seemed to lessen his OCD too.

“Yes,” I say, holding his hand. “This is okay.”

And it does feel okay—that’s what I don’t understand. I need to look this up. Because I’ve heard that romantic love causes neural changes in the brain. That the love hormones it releases can actually physically affect my brain. Could that be what’s helping my OCD, is my romantic love for Damien reducing my brain inflammation?

Love.

I find myself smiling as I look into Damien’s eyes.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Cara

“FOUR HUNDRED POUNDSalready?” I stare at my mum in shock. She’s got Jana’s GoFundMe page open on her laptop on the kitchen table.

Four hundred pounds?

I just... I can’t even process it.

Can’t process a lot right now. Especially how yesterday I held hands with Damien—and I can’t stop thinking about it. That physical contact did feel good. I hadn’t realized how touch-deprived I’ve been thanks to the OCD. It’s strange—I may have been able to overcome the OCD slightly with Damien, but back here it’s on high alert. I moved so slowly past Mum earlier, afraid of accidentally brushing against her. And the same with Esme. It’s like as soon as I’m in this house, my OCD’s even more awake. And that just makes me feel bad—because I love Mum and Dad and Esme way more than Damien. It should be them that I’m comfortable around, not him. I can’t explain it, unless the feelings I feel for him—the romantic ones—really are lighting up a different part of my brain that is just for romantic love and somehow that reallyischanging things and helping my brain inflammation. But what happens when my family realize I can touch Damien without panicking? I don’t want to make them feel like I’m rejecting them.

“What time are you going to Jana’s?” Mum asks.

“I’m not sure yet,” I say. “Later.”

Jana’s just asked me if I can go over to hers this afternoon. She needs to enter my bank details into the Withdrawals section of the GoFundMe account so the money can be transferred to me. Just the thought of seeing Jana makes me feel bad. Like, somehow, she’ll be able to tell that I’m now with Damien. That he broke up with her because of me. That she’ll know that I’ve been holding hands with him—and it sounds silly, I know, but the look on her face when she realizes just sort of haunts me.

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