Page 66 of Hannah.

I stare at my phone screen and chew my bottom lip, torn into a million pieces. After spending so many years stealing with no real guilt and caring mostly about myself, I find that I really do care for Astrid. I don't want to hurt her. So how can I sleep with the man she loves?

I can't do it. Dammit. This thing between Johan and I was a mistake from the beginning. And he needs to know this.

Tapping on my phone screen again, I type a message out to Johan, figuring he will answer me in the morning.Hey, what are you doing? Can we talk?

To my surprise, he texts me back right away.Sure, I’m in my office, couldn’t sleep so I came here. You wanna call me?

Hannah:Gimme a few mins.

Turning off the screen, I hold the phone to my chest and consider the mad idea that I’m having all of a sudden. I could go and see him, talk to Johan in person, and let him down easily. Seeing him at his office is neutral enough that I don't think we'll make out again, and I don't really trust myself at his apartment.

It’s pouring down rain and basically midnight, but...I think it's what I want to do. I want to go and talk to Johan, appropriateness be damned.

Carefully, I slide out of bed without disturbing Astrid, pulling on my shoes. I know I have an umbrella in the closet, but I’m sure it will be too loud to get down, and any plan of seeing Johan will immediately be ruined if I wake Astrid. All I can do is throw on the waterproof windbreaker hanging on the back of my door and silently slide out of the dorm room and into the hallway.

After gently shutting the door, I make my way out of the building, heading towards Johan's office. It’s a short enough walk during the day, but as soon as I step out into the rain, I immediately regret my decision. What usually takes minutes feels like it's taking forever, and I consider turning back multiple times.

But finally, the building comes into view, and I let out a sigh of relief. I feel soaked to the bone despite my jacket, water-logged leggings, and shoes weighing me down. Once I make it underneath the overhang outside the department door, I send Johan a text telling him that I’m outside, praying that he hasn't gone home yet.

This was a crazy idea, but if I have to turn him down, I want it done sooner rather than later. I can't have the sadness of it hanging on my heart for too long.

Johan bursts out of the front door within seconds, looking at me with shocked, wide eyes. “What the hell are you doing here at this time of night?” He looks me over, a frown forming rapidly. “And you walked!? Hannah, you’re soaked. Please come inside.”

Frustration is rolling off of him, but I’m more than happy to follow him inside, where I finally feel warmth returning to my toes. Never again am I walking anywhere in a storm like this.

“Answer my question,” Johan repeats, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Why in the hell are you here, Hannah? Not that I don't want to see you, but...you could have just called.”

“Astrid came by my dorm,” I jump right into it, my tone coming off more accusatory than expected. “Upset because of whatever you guys talked about tonight. Because apparently, you had dinner together.”

Johan winces. “I hoped I'd be able to be the one to tell you about that. It wasn’t my idea. My dad invited us over when I called to ask him about the Portmeirion house for the weekend. I felt like I couldn't say no.”

I cross my arms over my chest and stare up at him. “I’m not worried about the dinner. I’m more worried about Astrid. You were pretty rough with her, apparently. She told me you wanted to stop hanging out with her?”

He grimaces, looking guilty. “Well, that’s the truth.”

“And you think breaking her heart the day before we go away was a good idea?”

“Hannah, please, hear me out.” He's frowning, his lips set in a tight line as he reaches for my arms. “I should have done that since the day we were at her place, but you?—”

“She loves you,” I tell him, trying to sound matter-of-fact and not heartbroken. “Truly loves you. If I had never reappeared in your life, you’d have ended up with her.”

“But you did.” Johan cuts his hand through the air to stop me. “Astrid onlythinksshe loves me. It’s just leftover attraction from the summer and the pressure and expectation coming from our parents. They expect us to be together, which influences her much more than it does me. It’s not love; it's just a desire for the easy life she thinks the two of us will have together.”

“That's not what it sounds like coming from her.” Johan looks like he’s vibrating with pent-up emotions, and I want so badly to hug him. Instead, I continue talking. “Listen, tell me the truth...if I didn't exist, would Astrid be your girlfriend right now?”

Johan freezes, his eyes wide. “I…” he pauses, licking his lips. “I don’t know.”

I fix him with my stare, my resolve deepening. “Answer me.”

He shoves his hands into his pockets, eyes rolling up to the ceiling. “I mean...maybe. On paper, she is a good match. But what I feel for you is different. More.”

This is it. I’m a fucking home-wrecker. His confession hits me hard, a lump forming in my throat. “What does that even mean? What about me makes you want to give up the comfortable future with Astrid that everyone else clearly wants you to have?”

Johan comes forward, cupping my face in his hands and gazing down at me. “Hannah, I don't know why you even bother asking. You already know.”

Energy is sparking between us now, and I feel my body swaying towards him despite the war going on in my head. “Elaborate. Or I leave.”

He clenches his jaw, looking away from me without moving backward, and I realize that he isn't going to explain himself. Whatever is in his heart, he doesn't want to say it out loud. And if he can't even do that for me….

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