Page 67 of Hannah.

“You can write pretty words, but you can’t speak them?” I search for an answer in his gaze, but all I find is a wave of disappointment. “I can't go with you this weekend. Or see you again. I’m sorry.”

Again, he says nothing, and I can feel my heart cracking in my chest. I jerk away from him and storm out of the building, hot tears cascading down my cheeks, quickly joined by drizzle drops as soon as I’m out in the open again.

I’m barely out the door before he calls my name, followed by the sound of footsteps.

“Hannah! Wait!” he says again.

I stop out of curiosity and hear Johan approaching. He then stands behind me, wraps an arm around my waist, and holds me tight against him. “Hannah, wait,” he says so close to me, and the warmth of his voice gives me goosebumps all over my skin. “Please, wait.”

I can't even look at him; the hurt is too overwhelming. But I stop fighting him and lean back against his chest, the heat from his body soaking through his clothing and warming my own chilled flesh. The drizzle is falling on us, and I let it, enjoying the feeling of being cleansed.

“I need to hear you say it,” I tell him, closing my eyes. “Tell me.”

He sighs into my hair, and then I feel his lips grazing the skin of my neck. “I...care about you. Desperately. I need you, I want you, all of it. Since the day you left back to the Netherlands afterthe show, I wanted to tell you how special you are, but I didn’t because we both know how wrong this is. What I feel for you terrifies me. But I’d rather be terrified of what I feel for you than not having you.”

I turn in his arms, wanting desperately to look into his eyes. Johan gazes down at me, his wet hair slicked back from his face and his clothes dark with rainwater. I’ve never seen anyone look so beautiful.

“And what about Astrid?” I have to ask, my heart pounding in my chest. “I’m not a home-wrecker. I feel awful.”

“You are not a home-wrecker. I met you before I had anything with her.” He pauses, pressing his lips against my forehead to soothe me. “I’m going to end things with her Monday. But...can we please not talk about her right now? I know that this isn't going to be the last time we have to address this issue, but for now, please, let me kiss you.”

All I can do is nod.

Now he’s leaning down, and his mouth is pressing against mine. It’s not gentle, his teeth nibbling at my lips and his tongue seeking out mine. My head is spinning, and I’m grabbing the front of his shirt and clinging to him for dear life.

Johan wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me up against him, the evidence of his arousal pressing into my stomach.

I’m gasping, and my lips are parting as he thrusts his tongue into my mouth. I melt into him, my arms going around his neck, letting all of my weight fall against him.

It’s like the entire world around us melts away, and there's only the two of us. Only Johan. It might make me a terrible friend...but I can't let this go. Dammit. I just can't.

19

Hannah

When the morninglight creeps into my dorm room, twenty minutes before my alarm is set to go off, I wake up happier than I’ve been in weeks.

If I’m brave enough to go through with it, I'll be leaving with Johan tonight to go to one of his family’s vacation cottages, just him and I. The idea makes a little tickle of anticipation flutter in my stomach—what he’s got planned for me is all too obvious. We've all but agreed on it.

But am I ready for that?

I think so. Johan makes me so comfortable that very little fear remains inside me—just a bit of nerves.

After being covered head to toe in the rain, I had to shower last night, so I skip it this morning. Spending extra time on my hair and picking out something that will be cute but comfortable for the drive, my mind wanders back to the single thing bothering me—where the heck did Astrid disappear to?

After anticipating her staying over for the night, it was a surprise to return to my dorm and see the empty bed. She didn'tleave a note, and there weren't even any texts from her. Even more concerning, she ignored the ones I sent her before passing out last night. Maybe she just slept in really late or forgot to charge her phone? I send one more text out and put the subject out of my mind. Just a few classes, and I will be free.

Today's outfit is a soft pair of jeans, a cropped sweater, and ankle boots. It’s comfortable and casual but cute enough that Johan will probably stare a little longer than usual. Smiling, I head out the door, bag thrown over my shoulder, and head towards class.

Everything is great until lunch, when I find that Astrid is still not answering my texts. It’s starting to really worry me, and as soon as I get back to my dorm room after my classes are finished, I try calling her. No answer.

My stomach is rolling with anxiety now, and I chew my bottom lip. Astrid isn't avoiding me....is she? Pacing my dorm room, I call her once more, and again, there is still no answer. Blowing out a frustrated breath, I throw my phone into my purse and give it up for now. There are a million reasons why she might not be answering me, and worst of all, more than a few of those reasons could end up with her pissed at me. Did she find the letter from Johan that I had hidden in my bag? The bouquet didn't have any name on it, and she didn’t even pay attention to it, so it’s not like she would suspect it was from him.

That thought makes guilt eat away at my chest. Not only have I been making out with Johan, the man whom she clearly has strong feelings for, but I also stole from her exhibit and left her in the middle of the night in my dorm to go and speak to said man.

I don't think of myself as a bad person, but hell...maybe I’m a bad friend.

I have to look out for myself and my happiness, though. This weekend is for me and the culmination of years of crushing onJohan. They aren't really dating. Besides betraying Astrid's trust, there is nothing technically wrong with what I’m doing.

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