Page 45 of Sebastian.

There’s an awkward moment after I speak, and I fill the time by spearing salad with my fork and trying to enjoy the lunch. I’m annoyed that Sebastian isn’t even here but he already managed to ruin this little moment of peace that I’ve carved out for myself. Even the fresh fruit and vegetables in the salad taste bland and unenjoyable to me.

Before anyone can change the topic to happier, lighter things, my mother's voice pierces through the air, her words ringing with a sharpness that cuts through the veneer of politeness. “As nice as it is that Sebastian is deciding to be less of an insufferable man, I'm sure he's only doing this because he knows you talked to a divorce attorney.”

A pause follows, the weight of her observation settling heavily over the table. Mom's unwavering perceptiveness has always been a double-edged sword—comforting in its accuracy yet sharp enough to slice through even the most carefully guarded facade. Her words, though harsh, hold an element of truth that I can't deny.

Elise and Dan can’t deny it either. Dan, especially, is feeling uncomfortable, turning in his seat to look away from the rest of us just slightly and taking a long drink of the Perrier he’s been served. I can tell my daughter’s boyfriend isn’t interested in getting too deeply into this very personal family conversation, and I can’t say that I blame him. I’d like to escape too, if it was an option.

Mom must see the way Elise’s face grays at the mention of the divorce attorney, and I notice the way her shoulder’s soften as she changes her tone to try and comfort her granddaughter. It’s almost amusing, the fact that I know my mother would burn the world to the ground for any of her children or grandchildren. She might hate my husband, but nothing matters more to Mom than family does.

“But good on you, El,” she quickly adds. “I’m happy for you, truly. Sebastian might be a constant disappointment to me, but at least he's acting like a father again. You and your siblings deserve only the best, love.”

“Thanks, Oma,” Elise responds with a sigh, but I can tell that she’s still wounded. I think anyone, child or not, would be disturbed hearing their parents mention divorce. Poor Elise. Maybe we can get everything reconciled before I have to cause my children anymore pain in the quest of trying to figure out my marriage. A sense of pride blooms for Elise, for her courage in facing her father and for the semblance of reconciliation she has forged. And yet, beneath it all, the churning currents of uncertainty remain, casting shadows over what was supposed to be a pleasant lunch.

“Let’s talk about something else,” I say suddenly, pasting on yet another fake smile and looking around to meet everyone’s eyes. “You and Dan are going riding today, right? How long are you planning on staying out?”

Elise lets out a long breath, some of her tension going with it. I’m not the only one happy to have the subject change. Without pause, she launches into the conversation about which horse she plans on taking from the stable, and which one she thinks will be the best fit for Dan. Easy as that, the veil of sadness that has been draped over us starts to dissipate, and I feel like I can feel the sun on my shoulders once more unhindered.

* * *

Lunch ends, and the afternoon stretches on, casting elongated shadows across the verdant gardens below me. Mom and I have moved to the lounge chairs by the pool, giving Elise and Dan some privacy to stroll through the gardens hand in hand. The gentle breeze carries with it the delicate scent of blooming flowers, a fragrant reminder of the beauty that flourishes in this idyllic corner of the world. I can almost pretend, sitting here, tea in hand with my mother beside me, that everything is okay.

The exterior calm I project barely hides the storm that rages within me. My thoughts swirl like leaves caught in a whirlwind, carried away by a torrent of emotions that refuse to be contained. The revelation of Sebastian's sudden compliance, his uncharacteristic willingness to cooperate, remains a puzzle with pieces that refuse to fit together. A nauseating memory resurfaces––a fragment of a moment that has left a dark mark on my consciousness.

The image of Sebastian and a faceless woman who sways above him, nearly nude haunts me. It’s a scene that I have replayed in my mind countless times. The hushed whispers of doubts have only grown louder, suspicions that seep into my thoughts like ink staining parchment. Is it possible that this fleeting encounter was more than just a casual moment of indulgence? Or was it something deeper…a sign of how disconnected from our marriage Sebastian really is? I know that Karl was the architect of the encounter, but Seb still accepted. Karl being involved can’t erase his liability.

I shakily sip the tea in my hand, hoping the herbs can settle my stomach. God, seeing Sebastian over and over again with that woman dancing on him claws at my mind. The idea that he accepted a lap dance––an act of abandon that feels irreconcilable with the man I once thought I knew––still cuts me just as deeply as it did the first moment I learnt about it. It leaves me wondering if the cracks in our marriage are deeper than I've dared to admit.

Mom’s voice pulls me from the depths of my reverie, her words a gentle intrusion that ripples through my thoughts. “Darling, are you alright?” she inquires, concern lacing her tone.

I look up, offering her a small grin, even if I’m sure that my mother, of all people, is observant enough to see through it. “Yes, eh, just lost in thought.”

Her gaze lingers on me, her eyes searching for something just beyond the surface. But I've mastered the art of concealing my emotions, burying them beneath a veneer of composure. The truth, the roiling sea of uncertainty that churns within me, remains hidden behind a mask of calm. If it were anyone else besides Mom, I might get away with the ruse.

“Lost in thought about thatman, I’m sure,” she huffs. “Really, Julia, it’s a waste of time to worry about him so much. Whatever is going to happen is unavoidable now. You might as well just play the game that has been laid out and not agonize over it so much.”

The laugh that comes out of me is bitter. “That’s easier said than done, you know.”

Mom’s undeterred. “Well, Eveline will have the settlement ready for you by next week. That should make you feel a little better at least.”

My breath catches in my throat as her words wash over me, carrying with them the gravity of the choices that lie ahead. I’ve gone back and forth with this decision a thousand times now. Letting my mother talk to Eveline had eased some of my worry, but made other parts of it that much worse. I shift uneasily in my seat, grappling with the reality of the path I have to walk, whether I want to or not.

“Mom…I…” my voice falters.

“You what, Julia?” Her gaze locks onto mine, a steely resolve gleaming in her eyes. “Are you going to forgive him just because he's using Elise to show off what a good man he is now? He just realized he has gone too far and now he's using the children. You’re a judge for goodness sake. You know good and well how things play out, and how important it is to have the best attorney on your side. And Eveline is the very best.”

The truth in her words is a double-edged sword. The realization that Sebastian's newfound devotion to fatherhood might be nothing more than a veneer to mask his own transgressions strikes at the core of my emotions. And yet, there's a part of me––a part that clings to the remnants of our love story––that struggles to accept that we’re really at the point that someone like Eveline is necessary.

“I know, Mom,” I murmur, looking away from her and out at the gardens once more. “I just think it's too early to officially file the paperwork. We’ve only been separated for a few weeks after over twenty years together!”

A sigh escapes her lips, heavy with resignation. “Yes, of course. But at least it's done and ready if we need it.”

“I’m so tired of talking about this.” I sit my teacup on the side table with a clatter and drag a hand through my hair. “It’s like, besides work, it feels like my life revolves around Sebastian’s nonsense and nothing else. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, darling,” Mom’s voice goes warm, the cold sensibility she’s been speaking with fading. “Of course. I’m sorry if I’m putting too much pressure on you about everything. I just want it to be as painless as possible if you do end up needing to divorce.”

It’d be a lie to say that her insistence that I hire Eveline hasn’t worn me down some, but I also understand where she’s coming from. Though her hatred of Seb since the beginning of our relationship does make it all the more frustrating that she’s been so insistent. “It’s fine. I might just ignore it all if everyone doesn't keep bringing it up, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.”

“Possibly,” Mom concedes, pulling her kaftan around herself a little tighter. “I know you aren’t saying it out loud, but you’re still hoping to reconcile, aren’t you?”

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