Page 37 of Trash the Dress

He pulls me back into the bed with him and I let him. I snuggle against him, but I keep a wall between my heart and his. Leah’s reaction to learning who I’m pregnant by solidified my decision not to risk getting my heart broken. I know she said there’s always hope he could fall for me, but he’s not ready, and he may never be. His dream might have been of me, and he may have called my name, but even in his dreams he doesn’t trust me to stay. I wish we could trust each other…I wish we could try to date and see if there’s more here than physical chemistry because we have that in spades.

But his past, and maybe mine too, is nipping at our heels like a ghost trying to scare us into running away. Sometimes it’s best to heed those warnings. I just wish it wasn’t so.

Besides all those things, it’s not about me and him. There’s a tiny human…our little butter bean to consider. I won’t risk getting involved with someone and letting them hurt us—not even their father.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Scarlett

A MONTH LATER…

I’ve visited with Zander briefly over the last month, but after the night we shared the same bed, I didn’t stay at his house again. It didn’t feel safe. And I don’t mean in a physical way. Zander makes me feel protected…cherished even. But emotionally, I’d never walk away unscathed if I let him into my heart. Which is exactly what would happen if I’m around him for too long. Staying in his house with him is just too…intimate. So, the next morning, I told him I needed to meet with a client in the city.

We’ve talked either by text or on the phone almost daily. But today was our latest doctor’s appointment, and he wanted me to stay this weekend. I’ve run out of excuses as to why I can’t.

Everything with the baby is going well and measuring on track. We’re finally entering the second trimester and I’m starting to feel better. I still have the occasional nausea, butnothing like it was. But this feeling of being aroused more than not, and unable to fix it…it’s only gotten worse.

When we arrived at his house moments ago, he took my bags to the same room he chose for me before. Now, he’s facing me, and his dark gaze rakes down my body. He seems slightly guarded, but somehow mesmerized. His gaze keeps falling to my now slightly rounded belly. I’ve moved beyond feeling like I look bloated, to having an unmistakable baby bump.

“You can touch it if you want to,” I tell him right as his phone rings.

He glances at his phone and frowns before ending the call.

“Is something wrong?”

“Uh, no, it was a wrong number.”

“It’s Friday, so won’t the bar be busy?” I ask to break the silence.

He slips his hands into his jeans pockets. “Yeah. Friday is usually one of our busiest nights,” he says without taking his gaze off mine.

“Then you should go. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be here when you get back,” I tell him, hoping he’ll leave me alone so I can try to rid myself of this aroused state that seems to double down when I’m near him.

Something flashes in his dark eyes. I can’t name what it is, but he nods and starts to walk out of my room. But before he does, he turns and faces me. “I can come back early. I’d like to spend some time with you while you’re here for the weekend.”

I smile tightly, feeling torn at the prospect of his request. Part of me would love nothing more, but the logical part says the less time we’re together, the better. “Sure,” I manage to say.

He nods. “I’ve got the fridge and cabinets stocked, so make yourself at home. I’ll check in later,” he says before walking out of my room.

Standing in place, I hear him shifting around down the hall until eventually he leaves, and I’m left with nothing but my own thoughts. I unpack a few things for easy access and then answer a few work emails.

Once done, I decide to explore a bit. He wasn’t kidding—he stocked his kitchen for every craving a pregnant woman could have. I found some dill pickles, pretzels, and water. I’m wanting something salty right now and that should work. I spy an orange in a bowl on his counter and grab it too, taking it to his living room floor.

I sit crisscross with my snacks and stare out the tall windows to his property. You can’t see anything but rolling hills in the distance, and I realize this place will be a blast for a kid. I can picture a swing set close to the house, and a trampoline when they’re older. I think I see a pond too and it makes me wonder if he has ducks or does any fishing.

Regardless, this house, his little corner of the world is a hidden treasure. And it’s a little sad he has no one to share it with. Well, except our baby when they get here. My stomach flips nervously when the thought of him deciding to open up to someone else one day flits through my mind.

I find myself torn again because a man as sexy and caring as he is, even if he hides it, shouldn’t spend his life without a significant other to share it with. I hope he’s able to give love a chance again someday. Maybe our baby will be what helps him open back up to the possibility. I want happiness for him, but I know it won’t be with me because I can’t accept the doubts that would ultimately come with him attempting to love me.

Would he love me because he’s “in love” with me, or would his love stem from necessity? From the plain and simple fact we slept together one night and conceived a child. A platonic love. I can’t live with that kind of doubt. Maybe Eric’s betrayal took abigger piece of me than I thought, one I can’t get back. Doubting myself has become a daily occurrence when it never was before.

I sit here long enough the sun sets and my bladder stretches to full. I decide to shower after using the bathroom and maybe release some…tension while I’m here alone. But as always, it’s elusive. All the books and articles say I should be more sensitive and reactive than ever right now, but trying to take care of myself this way isn’t working.

I dry myself off, frustrated to tears knowing I wouldn’t have this problem if I was in a real relationship while pregnant and experiencing this…relentless need. I wrap a towel around my body and pad to my room. I check the time and see it should still be a while before Zander gets back from his bar.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. I’m clearly drawn to Zander; very much attracted to him. I wonder if I try to find release in his room…on his bed with his scent surrounding me if it would help me fall over the edge. My cheeks heat at the thought because touching myself isn’t something I do. But I’ve got to get rid of this ache that’s been plaguing my every waking breath.

I make my way to his room, and the moment his scent hits my nostrils, the desire amplifies. I search his room, my gaze roaming over this private piece of him, a part no one else gets according to him.

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