Page 40 of Unfix Me

This hurt more than it should have. We hadn’t known each other long, but we’d connected in a way. I thought we would become close friends while we were here. Maybe it was the loss of a future I’d imagined that made it cut so deep.

My body was tired, but I couldn’t quiet my mind, so I just stayed in that position, staring blankly out the window, waiting for nothing in particular.

Chapter 14

Sen

As soon as I closed the door, I lost my strength. I leaned a hand on the wall before I lowered myself to the ground.

Why had I said that to him? I felt so good with him this morning. Too good. There were friends I’d known for years who didn’t feel the way Kai did. They hadn’t done the things he had or shared such personal things with me. They didn’t invite me to a game, reserve a seat, and hand write a note. Who does that?

My panic threatened to take over and I knew that once it did that, there would be no stopping what happened. I had to cut off that thing that was sprouting in my chest. If I didn’t, it would grow past the point I’d ever let it. I couldn’t do that.

It was wrong. Wrong, wrong,wrong.

This was wrong.

He was wrong.

I was wrong.

If there was a god, why had he made me this way, knowing how much I would suffer for it? I wanted to be free, but that required letting myself be who I was. It was a conundrum that couldn’t be solved.

Stay vigilant. Pray. Remember Travis. Think about how the world will see you. Remember that you can’t find true happiness.

I hated all of those teachings. Every day, they made less sense. If I let myself think about it, I didn’t want to keep fighting, but I didn’t know how to stop. It was drilled into me so thoroughly that pushing at the door flooded me with anxiety and nausea.

I remembered the things they’d done to cause that. Aversion therapy. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be. When I first came home from Camp Dumont, I could hardly look at my own dick while I took a piss without feeling sick. I mostly stopped using social media because at some point, there would be something that triggered that feeling again. An ad or a post from a friend. It didn’t matter.

Through all of my spiraling thoughts, I kept coming back to those green eyes. With a fierce shake of my head, I threw open the door and walked the two feet over to his. I didn’t hesitate to knock and when I had the urge to run, I imagined cementing my feet to the floor.

There was movement on the other side and I took a step back. The cement must’ve still been wet because my feet were heavy, but not locked into place. I darted to the left and rushed through my door, slamming it closed behind me. My chest was heaving. Pulling out my phone, I forced myself to call the last person I had any interest in talking to.

“This is Derek Hamilton,” he answered in his too chipper tone.

“It’s Sen Taylor.”

“Oh, Sen. It’s so great to hear from you. I’ve been thinking about our session yesterday.”

“Yeah, I need to come in again.”

“Alright. Do you have a particular day-”

“Now.”

There was a beat of silence. “You do realize it’s eight on a Saturday, right?”

“Please, I… If I stay here, I’m gonna do something wrong.”

“Okay. I’ll be in the office in about thirty minutes.”

“Thank you.”

I held the phone to my chest and blew out a relieved breath. Everything would be okay. Derek would know how to fix this. He’d get me back on track and I was sure he’d agree with my decision to set boundaries with Kai.

The thought of what I said to him made my chest constrict. In some stupid way, going to Derek felt like a betrayal. What if I’d just waited for Kai to open the door?

It was too late now. He’d probably ignore me if I knocked again. Instead of dwelling on what-ifs, I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and slipped on my comfortable sneakers. Hopefully, walking in the evening wasn’t too dangerous out here.

---