Page 55 of Mind Pucked

I nod as a tear threatens to fall. I don’t cry…haven’t really cried since Lyla died. I don’t know what it is about my best friend being real with me like this, but it hurts in all the right ways. As much as I’m sure that I need this, I’m also sure that Felix is the only one of my brothers who can talk to me the way he just did and I’ll believe it.

“I’ll think about it,” I promise as I stand taller. “Thanks for talking to me like this,” I add, hoping he knows how much I appreciate it.

“No problem at all.” He beams as he runs a hand through his unruly hair, then brings his arm back down to look at his watch. “Oh shit, I have to head. I’m gonna be late for a thing.”

“Alright…have fun with your thing,” I say, knowing damn well he has a date. “See ya, man.” I reach my fist up to meet his in the air that hangs between us.

“See ya,” he says as he climbs into his car.

I turn and get into my own vehicle as thoughts of our conversation pour over me. It’s hard to keep the thoughts away, since now that I’m alone they are so loud…oh, so loud.

I don’t want to just be using Amelia for sex and a glorified babysitter. I do feel more for her than I ever thought I would feel for a woman again. Felix is right—Lyla would want me to be happy. Up until now, I didn’t think about what it would mean to actually be happy again.

Hayden has been my only true focus…the only person I’ve really cared about.

I love my daughter and she makes me happier than anything, and the guys do too, but somehow, when I think about being truly happy again, the only person who comes to mind is Amelia.

As I drive home, I weigh the pros and cons of a real relationship with her. I don’t know why I do this—it just seems like something you do when considering something that might change your life. At least that’s how you see it being done in all the TV shows and movies.

The pros…she is amazing with Hayden, she loves hockey, she loves spending time with me. She’s a decent cook and knows how to stand up for herself. She’s fierce and loving in a way Ihaven’t seen anyone be before…and so much more. To me, that list of pros means everything. I like who she is with my daughter, with me, and around my friends…I just don’t know if that’s enough to build a relationship off of.

The cons…well, there aren’t any. Not that I can think of, because to me, she is perfect. I may not know everything there is to know about her, but I want to. I want to wake up every day geared and ready to learn more. I think the only con I can possibly think of is that we haven’t had enough time together, but that can easily be remedied.

The biggest thing that attracts me to her is the fact that she’s great with Hayden. Hayden hasn’t taken to another woman like she has to Amelia. She is sweet as can be and is overall a great person. I don’t know another woman like her, let alone one who would care enough to love and care for Hayden in the way that Amelia does. It might be easy to argue that she only does so because she’s being paid to, but that simply isn’t true.

I’ve seen them together, and even during times when Amelia is off the clock, she still makes sure that Hayden is cared for and happy.

I still feel like there’s more about her that I need to know, but…I haven’t really exposed all of myself to her either. There’s far too much about myself to unpack, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to do that. Something about the thought of being with someone after Lyla gives me hope, however…hope that no matter what, I can be the man I need to be for Hayden and for her.

Amelia is exactly the kind of person I can see myself with. I just didn’t think I was ready until now. Sure, I’m not sure that I am really ready…even now. But deep down, I can feel Lyla with me,and I know she would be urging me to be happy, to do this for our daughter, and for myself.

Feeling my wife with me only makes me more sure that this is the right thing to do. I smile as I pull into the driveway. So many emotions are coursing through me right now, none of which I can recall ever feeling before.

I walk into the house with a pep to my step that wasn’t there when I left for lunch. The house is abnormally quiet and calm, and I look at my watch to see that Hayden is likely down for a nap. I wonder where Amelia is.

I look through the living room and pass my study, eventually hearing soft singing coming from the kitchen. I smile as I round the corner and see her dancing to “Oops I did it Again” playing softly from the speaker on her phone. I lean against the doorway and watch her shake her hips back and forth while she wipes down the counter.

She’s so sexy, but at the same time she looks effortless, like she doesn’t have to try hard to be amazing…she just is. My heart thuds in my chest, and parts of me begin to coil tight with longing. The effects are even worse given the adrenaline of what I think I’m ready to do…no, I’m sure of it.

Remnants of the lunch she made for Hayden are still on the stove, though I’m sure soon enough she’ll get to those as well. I don’t say anything as I watch her. There’s a grace and carefree nature to what she’s doing. She’s a vision in her leggings and oversized sweater.

For the first time, I don’t compare her to my wife, and I don’t think about all the things I did with Lyla, or how she would have done things differently. Up until now, she has been the standardto which I compared everything to, but now not so much. Yes, she was my wife and I love her very much to this day, but the guys are right—life does go on, and now I’m finally sure that I want it to.

Perhaps my standards have changed, and now the measurable force that drives me forward is Amelia.

I finally join her, putting my hands on her hips and causing her to jump a little. I sway back and forth with her to the remainder of the music, and she turns and dances with me a little.

The song switches to another, and instead of backing away, she continues to sway with me back and forth. This feels so…normal. The wordrelationshipcontinues to flash before my eyes, a word I never thought I would use again. But here I am, thinking about it repetitively.

Once the song ends, she moves away a little, throwing the towel over her shoulder. She walks over to the stove and starts cleaning up from lunch, not wondering what prompted this impromptu dance session in the kitchen. The smile on her face is what gives me enough courage to say what I have to say.

“Is Hayden napping?” I ask.

“Yes.” She nods as she continues to work in the kitchen.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” She turns around and wipes her hands on the towel over her shoulder. “What’s up?”

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