Page 54 of Mind Pucked

“There is no relationship,” I say, and truthfully, there isn’t. “There’s nothing really to talk about. I had fun with her that night at the bar, but she is my nanny…well, Hayden’s nanny.” I smile the biggest smile I have in a long time before taking a long sip of my beer in the hopes they don’t ask anything else.

The thought of a relationship scares the hell out of me if I’m being honest with myself. I haven’t wanted one since losing mywife, and even though Amelia and I have had a few wonderful moments together, that doesn’t mean we’re together or ever will be.

I don’t even know if that’s something she would want, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this perhaps could be something I want at some point. I just don’t know my own feelings well enough to know for sure. I haven’t let myself feel anything for so long that it’s foreign to me.

“You know,” Felix says, his voice soft this time. “Your wife was an amazing woman, and she loved you, but she would want you to be happy, no matter what that means.”

I’m a little taken aback at how well these guys know me. They would never be mean or hateful about any of it, but they have to know that deep down Lyla is on my mind. She’s always on my mind, just a little less as time slips by.

“I know.” I frown at him, but not in a way that means I’m angry—I’m just confused is all. “Well, I think I’m going to get out of here. Hayden is expecting me home,” I say, and for the most part, it isn’t a lie.

“Alright, man,” Oliver says, as they all four begin slapping their portion of money for the bill down on the table. “Let’s walk out together.”

I nod and once the tab is paid and our food is put into boxes, we head toward the door.

“No, but seriously, man,” Oliver pipes up as we walk out of the building together. “What do you think about that trade with The Avalanche? I mean, have you ever seen such a colossal mistake? That guy doesn’t even know what a dump and chase is.” He chuckles.

“Oh, here we go again.” Felix rolls his eyes, walking on the other side of Oliver.

I have to laugh a little, wondering if Oliver had in fact heard me back there when I was trying to change the subject and just refused to take the bait. He’s such an ass sometimes, but I do love his crazy ways. Oliver is always good at interjecting when it’s best for him. He’s such a good guy, our comedic relief most of the time, but the expression on his face makes me think that he knew exactly what I was talking about back there.

He just wanted me to squirm at Vaughn and Benjamin’s questioning. He gives me a smirk as we go, and I can’t help but give him one in return.

Vaughn and Ben have just gotten into an Uber in front of the pub, despite multiple offers by Oliver to take them home on his bike. Oliver doesn’t do well alone on his bike, let alone with passengers. Of course, none of us are going to tell him that and we would never hurt his feelings that way, but it’s an unspoken vow between all of us to stay off the back of his motorcycle.

There isn’t enough money in the world that would get me on that thing with him. I wouldn’t have even done it when we were younger, and I did a lot of crazy shit back then.

He bounces back and forth from one foot to another as if he’s an anxious pup. I always find his brand of energy kind of amusing and exciting—it’s what makes him such a good hockey player. I decide to answer him before he explodes as the subject hangs in the air.

“I mean, did you know what it was when you first got into the game? They say that guy is new, a baby,” I add, as we head toward our cars. “A dump and chase, I mean?”

“Yeah, I guess, but even I knew back then when I was a baby, that a dump and chase is an offensive play used to master the puck into the opposing team’s zone.” He rolls his eyes.

“You’re a mess.” I smile as I stop in front of his motorcycle and look it over.

His bike is one of those expensive ones that he saved for a long time to buy. There are more custom gadgets on this bike than there are on the ice rink. He’s so proud of this thing, but all I see is an intimidating piece of machinery.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was any other way,” he says. And he’s right—life would be boring if Oliver was normal.

“This is true.” I smile. “But you better get home before you have a heart attack over a dump and chase,” I say to him as he climbs onto his motorcycle and sets it into motion, leaving me and Felix standing in the parking lot.

“Sorry about all the Q&A in there with the guys,” Felix says as he pats my back hard and leans up against his car.

“It’s okay, I just don’t know what I should feel and all that shit,” I admit.

“I just know that, from my standpoint—and you know I have been your friend for years—” Felix adjusts his stance and continues, “The way you look at her, and the way she looks at you…there’s no way that you two are just fucking one another,” he adds with a cool but sly look on his face.

“I don’t know, man.” I really don’t know what else to say.

“What is there not to know?” he wonders out loud.

In a way, I wish I was more like him. Felix seems to know what he wants and has more courage than I do. Of course, my trauma seems to play a huge part in how I respond to things, but I think Amelia could actually have a good chance of breaking those walls down inside of me. If I let her. I shake my head, trying to think of exactly what to say. Being vulnerable with the guys is difficult enough, but I see it coming a mile away.

Most of the reason I’ve avoided spending time with them is that I haven’t really been willing to talk just yet. Perhaps it’s what’s needed, just like Amelia said. There aren’t many of the guys I would open up to just like this, but this small group, they’re my brothers.

“Like I said, for now, I don’t know that anything more is possible. I still have way too much trauma from my wife’s death…I’ve never really worked it all out,” I admit.

“No one expects you to.” Felix nods at me. “You’ll never forget the love you had…havefor Lyla. Amelia won’t expect you too either, or whoever you end up with in the long run. Hayden is always going to remind you of her mother, and no matter who’s at your side, Lyla will always be with you.”

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