Page 21 of Love Harder

His heart was so big.

He wasn’t motivated by sex. He was the total opposite. Being the smutty romance author, I felt like I was corrupting him half the time. But it was a totally different story when we were in the bedroom.

He was a fucking beast.

The things he used to say to me? Oh my lord, I can’t even think about them without dying a little inside. They weren’t dirty talk. They were the total opposite.

He was so hot, and he didn’t even realize how much so, which just made him all the more hotter.

It was hard giving in to him, but with time came trust, and when Switzerland proved his loyalty by always sticking to his word, I let him in.

But Switzerland had his own walls firmly in place.

In this world, I’ve learned that every person does.

Most times, those walls are there because of love and love hurting them. But he still allowed me in a little—he crossed the moat to meet me but always retreated into his castle so I could never get too close.

His past shaped him into the man he was, and that man was so exceptional.

But I always felt that Switzerland held me at arm’s distance.

He never wanted me to get too close, which frustrated me. I wanted to know him, and although he shared so much, I felt he was perhaps wrestling with his head and his heart.

There was always a distance between us, and I hated the divide.

I know he was trying for us not to get attached, but my mindset was different from his. I wished for us to make as many memories as we could so when he left, we would have nothing but happy times to look back on.

He didn’t agree.

He was bossy and so damn stubborn, so I was never able to change his mind. I wish that I had because I always felt like we were both holding back. It’s the one regret I have. Not to know what could have been.

Perhaps deep down, I knew he was right. But his leaving was going to suck regardless if we spent one day a week together or every day.

But I didn’t press because I was too broken to. I didn’t want to deal with another rejection.

Although Switzerland helped me heal, my feelings for Ghost forever simmered in the background. I knew that wouldn’t be the case if Switzerland let me in. I felt I was getting pieces of him, but not enough to show me who he really was.

The pieces he did share with me, I liked a lot.

But how can you fall in love with half a person?

You can’t.

Switzerland was holding back, and although I understood it, it was hard to give him all of me for that exact reason.

We were exclusive during our time together because I didn’t want anyone other than him. He was the one who laid down the “rules,” but I liked that he felt content with what we shared.

We went on cute dates. We hung out in my room watching TV. We kissed. We laughed—we laughed, a lot. He bought me roses just because. And we had a lot of mind-blowing sex. We did all the things a normal couple does, but we weren’t normal or a couple because the inevitable always lingered.

He was leaving, and I would be left to deal with the aftermath.

The person left behind is reminded of the memories made, while the person who leaves is ready to make new memories in a new place and with someone else.

This was constantly playing over and over in my mind—the mind of the overthinker, remember? I wanted to pretend his leaving wouldn’t hurt, but I knew it would.

So I distanced myself as best I could.

I never sought out the comfort of other men because I didn’t want anyone else, but I distracted myself with work and friends.

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