Page 22 of Love Harder

But the sadness returned. Or I guess it never left.

It just lessened when I was with Switzerland.

I saw Switzerland every week from the first moment we met until the day he left. He will always be my biggest regret in life because I will never know what we could have been.

But deep down, I know that we could have been exceptional.

I wanted to explain who Switzerland is because a month before he was leaving, it was as if the universe sensed I was slowly relearning how to trust again because it threw me a motherfucking curveball that destroyed me once more.

Switzerland slowly retreated. Day by day, the messages became less frequent, and the time between each responseseemed to get longer and longer. I was watching him leave me in slow motion, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

When we saw one another, it was good. So good, in fact, but when he was gone, it was as if I imagined the whole thing because he just wouldn’t exist in my world.

It was hard to accept because when together, he would say things that made me think he was just as attached as I was becoming. But when I say he is stubborn, I mean he is the MOST stubborn man I have ever met.

He knew what he wanted, and that was to further his career in another country far, far away.

He never made a secret of the fact. But I guess I hoped he would recognize the connection we shared as something worth making a sacrifice for.

But it seemed those walls he had erected around himself were higher than I thought.

He still sent me polite messages because that’s the type of man Switzerland was. He would never ghost, but he ensured I knew this wasn’t a serious thing for him. He would get on that plane in a month and never look back.

I wish I was stronger to end things then and there or not start anything in the first place, but my history has proven I don’t make the smartest choices when it comes to men.

Switzerland’s distance began to hurt, and the feelings of emptiness grew once more. Like I said, they never went away but merely dimmed when I was with Switzerland. He never told me what was wrong, only that he has walls behind walls to protect himself.

Those walls were lowered when we kissed. Or when we lay in silence, in one another’s arms. But as D-Day approached, I felt as though his walls were reerected and reinforced.

I didn’t stand a chance.

Switzerland was always a battle I was destined to lose.

I was tired, so tired of fighting. How much can a person take before they just switch off and become numb to it all?

I was trying my best to accept Switzerland’s departure, but it hurt a lot. I tried not to get attached, but I clearly am a romantic at heart. Switzerland, however, he was just moving forward with his life, and it was apparent that I was no longer his girl.

I was trying to focus on anything other than my heart being broken—again, when an author friend of mine gave me a call.

He had a proposition for me.

He was writing a book and wanted me to be on the cover.

I was honored and totally flattered.

He went into detail that he had found the perfect male lead to pose alongside me. He asked him, and the guy semi-agreed. However, he was self-conscious and doubted he was book cover material, but Zuko saw potential in him.

I asked what he looked like, and I should have known that the universe wasn’t done with me. Lesson number…I’ve lost count: when the universe talks to you, listen.

My friend, Zuko, detailed a gorgeous man he had seen working at a fitness center—the same place where Ghost worked. He had dark hair with some gray throughout. A scar in his left eyebrow. He was tall, muscled, and smelled like heaven.

My heart began to race.

I asked what else.

He went into detail that he had a tattoo on his hand which extended up his wrist. Oh, and a nose ring. And in case there was any confusion, his name was Ghost.

I didn’t know if this was a good or bad thing. I mean, this was my chance to get the answers I had desperately sought for months.

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