Page 66 of Something Old

But of course, knowing all of that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I did, genuinely, open my heart up to him again.

I feel my chest caving in. My heart is breaking all over again.

Then the pain turns to a blazing rage of hurt.

I hate him.

I hate the fact that I had to marry him.

I hate that this is my life.

“Wait. Just listen to me.” He says, as I push my arms into my cardigan, ready to run away from him - away from the hurt - away from my stupidity.

I spin towards him.

“Actually, I don’t have to listen to you for another second. I am so over you and the way you treat me. I don’t deserve this. You are the biggest asshole I have ever met. I wish I had never met you. I can’t believe I am stuck - married to you.” I’m being nasty. I hate he brings this person out of me. This isn’t me. I shake my head to try to change my thoughts.

I need to leave.

“Leora.” He calls my name again as I push the door open and step out into the cool night air.

My skin was kissed by the sun today. It’s rosy and warm and even though it isn’t too cold tonight, it’s chilly against my skin.

I wrap my cardigan tighter around my chest.

Maybe it’s not the cold that’s biting at me.

Maybe it’s his words. His cruelty.

I look towards the party at the beach bar. There are so many people there.

I could just blend into the crowd, keep drinking, hope for oblivion. But I am not that person either. And I can’t face other people right now. So, I turn the other way and step off the path as I head towards the water line. There are too many lights on the path.

I want to hide away.

I want to be alone.

I can feel the ache in my chest growing the further I get from Masaccio.

At least any doubt I had is now gone.

I dared to hope, I dared to try again - at least I can’t be blamed for not trying.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I walk, and it blurs my vision until I can barely see where I’m stepping.

So, I sit down.

I flop into the soft sand, pull my legs right up against my chest and hug my arms around them.

Looking out across the dark ocean and the most beautiful night sky everything in me breaks apart.

The tears flow stronger and loud sobs choke from my throat. I try to hold them back, but it’s impossible.

Thank goodness I am not near anyone.

I bury my face against my arm and let myself cry. It’s better to let it out, anyway.

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