Page 7 of Tiers of Joy

I sit staring at the screen, blinking and wondering if it’s a mistake, if I am seeing it wrong.

The doorbell goes and I answer the door to a panting Sally, holding her side.

“What…huh…is…huh…the…matter?” She puffs out.

“Shit, did you run here?” I ask.

“You text me saying there was an emergency! Of course I ran here!”

She follows me into the lounge and scrunches her nose up in disgust.

“Jesus Esme! It’s like walking into a teenage boy’s bedroom, just without the wank tissues.” She says brushing down the sofa like it’s covered in dirt.

“Shhhh okay. Just look.” I point to the screen.

Sally’s eyes squint. As soon as she sees the balance they go wide.

“What the fuck is this?!” She screeches.

I hand her the letter and watch the tears fill her eyes.

“Oh my god Esme.” She sniffles.

“I know. His dad came over and gave me it.” I state.

I down some more wine from the bottle. Sally snatches it from me and drinks some herself.

“Well, I'm going to miss you like crazy. You know that, right?” She says and then drinks more wine.

I snatch the bottle back and drink some more.

“I can't go to Nova Scotia.” I point out.

“Jay wanted you too. You’ve wanted to ever since I can remember. Now you actually have the chance to go! Do it. You have to go.” Sally points out.

“It’s not the same dream without Jay living it with me.” I say, drinking more wine.

“So make it your new dream. I mean, this clearly isn’t working for you. Jay has been gone nearly six months. You need to start living your life again. Eating takeout, not washing your hair for days, drinking your body weight in wine, and sitting in complete darkness, is not living. I already watched one of my best friends fade away, don’t make me watch you fade away too.” Sally pleads.

I bite my thumb nail anxiously. I look at the balance again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and nod.

“Let’s just see what property there is for now. I doubt there will be anything like I dreamt. There’s no harm in looking though, right?” I ask. Opening my eyes I see Sally already has my laptop and is searching.

“Esme, look.” She says, turning the laptop to face me.

On the screen is a cute wooden shop painted lemon yellow with white features. A cute little sign hangs outside. Sally scrolls through the pictures; it’s perfect.

“The interior needs updating but you can get someone in to do that. Oh and it has a two bedroom apartment above it. The price is $240,000 CAD. Get your phone out and google the exchange rate.” She orders.

I type it into my phone and search.

“140,400 pounds.” I state.

“Oh Esme, you have to do it! You have to go for it. You have more than enough money to get you started. You have plenty of money to refurbish it.”

My heart is racing. I know I could do it; I have the money. I just don’t know if I have the strength. It’s not even being on my own that scares me; I had no parents or family growing up, I can survive on my own. It’s that I was done surviving on my own. I was no longer just surviving, I was living my life with Jay. I don’t know how to live my life without him. I hated my life before him and I never want to go back to that.

Sally holds my hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze.

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