Page 71 of For the Love of Lily

We were silent as we undressed each other, falling onto the bed in constant connection. If our mouths weren’t touching, then our hands needed to be. I had to touch him. We’d had every type of sex imaginable over the past week, giving in to all our fantasies about each other.

This though… the phrase made me cringe, but making love… this was it personified. With every movement, every kiss, he filled my heart up with love until it overflowed. With that overflow, I felt the agony of my heart breaking, before he filled me up with love over and over again. We had absolute reverence for each other. This was a torturous but addictive cycle that I seemed unable to break. I wasn’t even ashamed of the tears rolling down my cheeks as he held me close to him. I never wanted him to let go.

Twenty Three

I stretched out to the side of me as my eyes sprang open. My hands found the other half of the bed empty. Luke had left, that wasn’t like him. Did he have court again? I was confused.

I wrapped a sheet around myself and stepped outside onto the immaculate grass, damp and vivid after the rainstorm. No sign of anybody. I wandered around the garden, my feet soaking wet as I sobbed in frustration. I couldn’t bear to be without either Zack or Luke, how could I hurt either of them? My head was in agony with the strain of it. I simply didn’t know what to do.

As I got back to my room, a message pinged onto my phone from Luke.

I’m sorry I had to go. I kissed you before I left, you looked beautiful. I had something to send you and it was too big for a text. I emailed you. Don’t worry about anything xx

Sounds ominous. You OK? xx

It will all be fine, promise xx

I had a horrible sickness in my gut as I sat down on the bed and opened my email. I hadn’t checked it for a few days and initially, all I could see was spam before I saw his name, Luke Adamson, and pressed on the message to open it.

Dear Lily,

I tried so hard to stop myself falling in love with you, but I couldn’t. You were so hurt and vulnerable. If I’d told you then, I’d have either alienated you, or I would’ve become a rebound. Then we became such good friends. I’ve never had so much fun. We’d go on a night out and I’d feel like we were a couple, dancing and laughing, heading home together, but it was just friendship for you. At one of those points… that’s when I should have progressed it. A night when we were in a club, pressed together and hot, I should’ve braved a kiss. Remember the night all the trains were off and we stood in the pouring rain trying to get a taxi, laughing so hard you got hiccups? You hugged me and looked into my eyes, so alive and beautiful - that would have been an ideal point to tell you. I remember the weekend before I went to Uganda, the chat we had about being brave. Why wasn’t I brave that moment? I thought it’d be stupid to start something with you when I wouldn’t be around for a while.

I was furious at Cassie for encouraging you to meet Zack, but it wasn’t her fault. She was right. You’re young and beautiful and clever- why waste that time? She was trying to help you blossom. I thought you and Zack were so new that if I told you how I felt… I don’t know… would you abandon him and come running to me?

Yet there was something there in you, something that made you message me that night. Was it the way that kiss felt on my last day? Until that point, I’d concentrated on forgetting you. Instead, I now began to concentrate on keeping you in my life. Us being together has been pure magic, talking and laughing, making love, hearing those words from you…

I held back so I wouldn’t hurt you. Maybe that was my mistake, but I can’t apologise for putting you first. I loved knowing you would be there when I woke up and that we would go home and cook dinner together. I want this to be your home, Lily. Our home, together.

I wish I could hate Zack, but he hasn’t done anything wrong, not really. He fell in love with the most incredible girl in the world. How can I blame him for that? I know we have love and happiness, but this situation is hurting you.

Please believe me that it’s shattering me to write this. I need you to understand and do what I say, please.

We could take on the whole world, grow old together and be as much in love the day we die as we are now. Making this choice between Zack and me, it’s making you ill. You’re losing the shine from your eyes, you look weary. I know your heart is going to feel broken whichever way you choose, and I know that in spite of your own hurt, you’re more concerned with not hurting either me or him.

I want to ease that burden. Forget how I feel. If you’re happy, that’s all I need. You to be happy, safe, loved, healthy. And you will be… with Zack.

He loves and adores you, and he’ll look after you, I’m one hundred per cent sure. You don’t need to make the awful decision, I’m taking that away from you. I love you, and it’s because of that I know I have to let you go. Please go and be happy and live an amazing life with him.

We can’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. This has to be goodbye. The most heart-wrenching goodbye I could ever imagine but for all the right reasons. If the universe wants it, maybe one day we’ll be reunited. In our next lives, Lily, it’s you and me forever - don’t ever forget that. I’ll be searching for you, wherever and whenever that may be. For now though, live this life, be happy. I will always love you. Always.

Luke xxx

I gasped for breath, the panic choking me. My face was drenched with tears, my mind wanted to shut down. I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. Numbness overwhelmed me, but at the same time, it was joined by absolute agony. Curled up in the bed like a baby, my tears soon saturated the pillow below me.

I read the email five, ten, fifteen times, but I couldn’t digest it. How do you act on words like that?

I managed to calm my breathing down and tried to think what to do. I needed to talk to Luke.

I want to call you, but I can’t speak. I literally can’t speak. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love you so much, this is too hard. I can’t be without you x

I’ve wracked my brains about this Lily. This is the only thing I can do for you. I know it’s hard, the hardest thing in the world. But it will get easier for you. Just go and be happy, go and live your best life, let me do this for you x

I can’t imagine my life without you Luke x

Then imagine our next life together, this isn’t our time. If it was then it wouldn’t be this painful. You still have clothes at mine, I will leave them with Cassie over the weekend x

Luke please… Please don’t do this x

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