Page 72 of For the Love of Lily

It’s the only option. I’ve been round and round it in my head a thousand times. It’s because I love you so much that I’m doing it. You’re strong, you’re amazing, you can handle this. You can go back home and put your heart and soul into your life with Zack. I know you can, you don’t need me, you’ve got this xx

But I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me

And I love you, I always have, I always will. I honestly believe what I wrote, this isn’t our time, our place. But when it is, we’ll find each other. Stay strong. Don’t ever forget how loved you are xxx

After that, he didn’t reply. I messaged him over and over, begging and imploring him. I called him more times than I could count but got voicemail. Eventually, I threw my own phone across the room in a temper, noticing myself in the long mirror on the opposite side of the room. I looked like a shell of my true self. Pale, blotchy, tear stained and crushed, small and worthless. If someone tried to paint heartbreak, I would be it. How could I go home, cope with this, explain it to Zack? None of it seemed possible.

I kept imagining Luke in absolute pieces, and that set me off again. He’d done this for me, that was so typical. Why couldn’t he be selfish for once? Just be selfish and not let me go. Should I accept what he was doing? Should I march round there and tell him no? What then, though, go and break Zack’s heart? There was no right answer here.

Luke had put himself through hell to make that decision, to write those words, to explain it to me. Maybe the kindest option was to accept it, rather than make him go through it all again? You should’ve left him alone. This was all my fault. I felt like my heart was being stretched out on a rack when I thought of never seeing him again, but when I switched the roles and thought of never seeing Zack again, I felt the same.

I heard gentle knocking on my door as Cassie popped her head around.

“I spoke to Luke.”

I looked up, barely able to focus on her through the tears as she locked me in a tight hug.

“I think it’s for the best, sweetheart, I really do.” She kissed my forehead, rocking me backwards and forwards slowly in her embrace, like she would when her little girls had scraped knees. If only my pain could be fixed with a cold tissue and a plaster.

“Is Zack expecting to hear from you today?”

I nodded, still unable to speak.

“There’s no rush at all. If you want to go home today or not for two months, I don’t mind either way. If you want driving though, just tell me. I’m going to make you a cup of tea. Why don’t you jump in the shower?”

She headed back to the house, but I couldn’t take a shower. His lips had touched this skin, his fingers had caressed it… I didn’t ever want to wash that away.

Cassie and I sat together a few minutes later with extra strong cups of tea, the grass still wet against my bare toes. There was nothing to say. We were both going through utter heartbreak over entirely different situations. Nobody could take my heartbreak away, but at least I could help with hers.

“When I’m home, Cassie, I’m going to talk to Zack about the egg donation idea.”

She squeezed my hand tight. “Thank you, but you two need to get back on track. No rush.”

“I know you want tall kids, it’s all a ruse, isn’t it? You want my tall genes?” I managed a sad smile.

She laughed. “Shall I drive you home, beautiful girl?”

I nodded. “Not fair on Zack to drag this out. Can we take a quick detour?”

An hour later I was outside a coffee shop. Although I wasn’t a pretty sight, I had managed to stop gulping and sobbing like a banshee. Luke had gone through so much to make that decision, I needed to honour it. I needed to wrap my head around that.

His phone was still switched off, I wondered if we’d ever speak again. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing his beautiful smile again, not hearing him laugh at my silly comments. How could it be that I would never feel his arms pull me up the last few steps of a hike, ignoring my insistence that I couldn’t make it. How could it be I’d never wake up in his arms again?

Sitting on an uncomfortable metal chair which dug into my legs, I inhaled the scent of my double shot latte and opened the three memory cards I’d just bought from the shop next door. I put one card into my phone and downloaded every message I had from Luke, along with every photograph and video, and that email, that reality ending email. Then I made two more copies and zipped them inside my bag.

Cassie watched me with worried eyes as she blew on her cup of tea. “Do you need a hand?” I shook my head and continued with the task at hand.

The tremors in me made my progress slow, as I clicked delete on everything in the phone. I couldn’t have it there, at hand so I could look whenever I wanted. I had to avert my eyes. I couldn’t read the lovely messages. I couldn’t see our happy faces together. Every press of the delete button felt as though I was wiping us out of existence. I was tempted to read that email once more, but I didn’t have the strength to. I had to face this, as hard as that was. I also had another person I needed to message.

Cassie is driving me back, should be home in a couple of hours

That’s the best news, wasn’t sure when or if I would see you…

I’m coming home

Get back safe. Can’t wait to see you xx

I could never tell Zack that it hadn’t been my choice. Luke had made the decision for me. It was out of my hands, and I felt crushed. A memory came back to me of watching a movie with Luke, a couple of years back when life was simpler. We were lying on cushions on his living room floor, buttery smelling popcorn strewn around from an earlier game, trying to catch it in our mouths. The winter weather was bitter, and I could see the streetlights on through the window, illuminating the dark evening. It was warm as toast in his house as we lazed around in shorts and t-shirts, our legs aching from the day’s exertions. The group of friends in the movie were trying to escape from an old temple. One of them needed to hold the lever to wedge open the exit so the others could escape. One selflessly stepped forward, knowing they’d be trapped and alone. Even at that time I’d laughed and said that would be Luke. The others were so busy trying to convince him not to, they almost missed their chance, meaning his sacrifice would’ve been pointless. Luke got so frustrated at them.

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