Page 54 of For the Love of Lily

I couldn’t bring myself to wake you, you looked so beautiful.

Had to be at work, but ring me when you’re up, we can meet in Starbucks?

I love you – feel a bit like I am dreaming right now Lily-flower xx

I hobbled to the shower, grinning like a love-sick teenager, letting the steaming hot water ease my muscles, stretching my jaw from side to side to ease the ache there too, as my fingers untangled the matted hair at the back of my head.

I still only had the pitiful clothing selection with me so grabbed one of Luke’s softest t-shirts, putting it on with my jeans. Even this made me happy, like a little badge that I was his. Picking up the phone to call Luke, the lack of messages or calls from either Cassie or Zack was not a surprise.

“Here,” said Luke, sliding one of his expensive vitamin tablets over the Starbucks table an hour later, as he swallowed his own. “I’ll get you looking after yourself, one way or another.”

“I need to go buy clothes,” I announced as I finished my caramel macchiato- it had to be that drink. “Don’t want to go back home for more.”

Luke smiled and stroked my hand across the table. “You look good in mine, to be fair.”

I laughed. “Shall I wait until you finish work? I might even let you pick some of them. Want to play dress up?” I teased.

Late that evening we arrived back at Luke’s house laden down with bags. Clothes, make-up, shoes, pyjamas, lingerie. He had helped me choose everything, and I couldn’t wait to wear it all for him. Although it betrayed every feminist idea I had ever thought of, I wanted to be his ultimate fantasy, and I couldn’t grasp my feelings.

Luke pulled me onto his knee as we cuddled up on the couch. “I spoke to Guy this afternoon. He knows what’s going on. Want to go over there together on Saturday? Try to get back on track with Cassie? Never known you two fall out like this.”

I nodded and leaned into him, feeling his chest rise and fall in a soft rhythm. I was dreading each day passing. I knew there were tough conversations and decisions in the future. Zack would be in Iceland now. Was he tucked up in bed with another blonde? I closed my mind to it and focused on the feeling of Luke.

Nineteen

It was a peculiar mix of mundane and alien as Cassie opened the front door on Saturday afternoon. She had a strained smile on her face. I saw her glance down, at our entwined hands.

“It’s so good to see you both. Lovely weather too. So glad you could make it. Guy is busy in the kitchen. I hope you like the food. Of course you’ll like the food. Luke, he could probably do with a hand though. You should’ve been a chef, you know,” she garbled.

“Cassie!” I interrupted. “Relax, take a breath.”

Luke kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll go and help Guy.” I smiled, touching my cheek where I could still feel him. The novelty of it still enthralled me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Cassie frown.

We watched each other warily. “How are things?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Amazing but utterly screwed up, all at once. How about you?”

“Heartbroken, to be honest,” she admitted.

We went into the living room, and I wrapped her into a hug on the couch. “Tell me what the doctor said.”

“It’s what I thought. Primary Ovarian Insufficiency. Give it a fancy name, doesn’t make it any better. I’m a menopausal, dried up, old maid, basically.” Her eyes leaked delicate tears as she spoke; I wiped them away.

“You are not, you’re radiant and full of life. When we googled that, it seemed to say they could freeze your remaining eggs and you could use them like IVF. Is that the plan?”

She shook her head. “They gave me these hormones that stimulate the ovaries or something, to release the eggs so they could get them. But…they weren’t viable. It’s not an option.”

I held her close as she cried, not able to imagine the anguish this was causing her. “My mum doesn’t even get it,” she sobbed as she continued. “She said at least I had the girls so not to worry. Guy hasn’t said as much, but I think he feels the same.”

“Cassie, he’ll be worried about you.”

“I feel insane. They aren’t grieving because we haven’t lost anyone. But I’m grieving the babies I never got to have. Is that stupid?”

She was shaking as I held her, her head pressed into me, leaving wet skin on my collarbone. Luke sent me a reassuring look from the kitchen, before going back to a chopping board.

“It’s not stupid. Don’t say that. It’s completely understandable. You grieve, you take all the time you need. Let people think what they like.”

“Sod it, let’s get drunk.” She jumped up and grabbed a bottle and two glasses.

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