Page 22 of For the Love of Lily

He swallowed and blew out a long breath. “When I cried for nights on end, and you held me close and said it would all be OK, you were in love with me? When I tried on clothes and let you sit there in the changing room? When the two of us made stupid TikToks to love songs? Were you using our friendship to get close to me?”

Anger hit me like a force. I thought of all the times I had let him see me bare, both physically and emotionally. He had taken that without ever once letting me know he had an ulterior motive. He put his head in his hands again and pulled his hair back.

“You had four years to tell me, but you wait until I’ve met someone. Finally had a little taste of what a normal relationship could be like after everything I went through?” I stood up and walked over to the window, the normal Sunday afternoon life meandered along. It didn’t feel like my life would be normal ever again.

“I didn’t wait on purpose, I feared what you would say. A hope of having you was better than dealing with a reality where you were never mine.” He walked over to me. I looked up into those beautiful blue eyes that I’d only ever trusted, and for once, I felt unsure.

“I feel like you abused our friendship,” I whispered, not wanting it to be true, but at that moment, it was.

He took hold of my hands again. “I’m just asking one thing from you. One thing, Lily. Let me kiss you. Let me kiss you once, and I know you’ll feel what I do. We can sort all of this out. If you don’t feel it, I’ll go. I’ll be the bigger man, smile at you and Zack even though it’s killing me. But I know if you kiss me back, you’ll feel what we could be.”

I gazed down at the floor, tears ran down my cheeks. If I said yes, I’d betray Zack. If I said no, I’d destroy the dreams of my best friend, the person who saved me. Why had he put me in this position? His hand grasped my chin and lifted it up, our eyes met. “Please, Lily.” I couldn’t think of a way to resolve this situation without someone being hurt. Why did this have to be happening?

I placed my hand over his and moved it away from my face. My eyes were downcast, unable to meet his as I answered. “No. No, how could you ask me to do this?”

He took a step back, visibly shaken. “Lily… I don’t know what else to say. I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

“You’ve completely taken advantage of our friendship. You’ve waited to tell me this, until you see me happy with Zack. How do I know this isn’t simply jealousy?”

“Of course I'm jealous, for fuck’s sake! I don’t sleep at night thinking of you and him, but that isn’t why I’m telling you. I always planned to tell you when I got back. I wasn’t counting on him… and this,” he gestured towards me. “I never took advantage of you, Lily. Jesus, there have been a hundred times I could’ve kissed you or seen you naked or made a move, but I never did. You’re an absolute flirt when you’re drunk. But you never did it sober, so I never took you up on it. You’re my whole world. You are totally fucking infuriating, but you’re everything to me.”

“Is this why you’ve never had a girlfriend?” I snapped at him. It wasn’t fair, but I was unable to stop myself.

“I’m only human, there’ve been girls. I always made sure nothing would ever last, and you’d never be aware of it. I only ever wanted you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody, Lily.”

I turned my back to him, hoping for inspiration or answers, not knowing what to say or feel. Finally, I spoke, “I feel like I’m losing my best friend right now.”

“We could be so much more…” his voice pleaded with me.

“Zack and I literally had the talk about us being official yesterday. I can’t cast aside the past few weeks,” I sobbed as the hopelessness of this situation engulfed me.

“One kiss, Lily, let me show you?” His voice broke up and as it did, my heart followed.

“I think you should leave now.”

“You don’t mean that. Please.” His voice shook. I had to shut off my emotions to handle this.

“Please leave,” I said, my voice quiet and forlorn. I couldn’t look at him as he tried to reach for me, as he walked by, as the front door slammed shut.

It was only when I heard the downstairs door bang that I looked out of the window. I saw Luke in the car park with his head in his hands. That’s when I fell to the floor and cried every ounce of my heart out. When I was all sobbed out and could summon no more tears, I sat there, slouched against the radiator. It went dark. My phone beeped and rang. The streetlights outside came on. I felt empty looking at the photo frame he had bought me as it hung on the wall opposite me. Luke and I, grinning together after a long hike, arms around each other, carefree and smiling. How had that all been lost?

I called work and told them I had a stomach bug the next day, unable to deal with the situation, unable to face Luke. I repeated the same to Cassie when she queried her unanswered calls. Lying on the couch wearing yesterday’s clothes, staring at my phone, I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do.

I didn’t want Luke to be out of my life, but how could anything be salvaged? I had no idea how my relationship with Zack would pan out, but he didn’t deserve to be cast aside. In the end, I typed a message.

Are you at work today?

Yes

Can you come up after?

Depends if you are contagious…

I think we both know I’m not really sick. I’m sorry I upset you

I’m sorry too… I’ll finish a bit early, see you about four x

I hadn’t eaten since yesterday lunchtime, but my appetite had deserted me. The mirror revealed blotchy skin, red eyes and tangled hair. I jumped in the shower and made myself presentable again, although concealer was not going to fix this. My phone rang as I was debating what to wear.

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