Page 23 of For the Love of Lily

“Hello,” I answered.

“Hey, beautiful!” Zack’s cheery voice sang down the line to me. “I survived. I’m on the train heading home, and I needed to hear your voice.”

“I’m relieved to hear you survived.”

“You ok? You sound quiet,” Zack asked with concern.

“Think Friday was the start of a bug. I feel rotten, stayed off work today.” I closed my eyes as I lied to him.

“Do you want me to come over? Do you need anything?” He sounded so concerned. You, Lily Forshaw, are a horrible person.

“No, it’s almost gone. I just need a big sleep, wouldn’t want to make you ill too.”

“OK, but shout if you change your mind. I wanted to talk to you about Friday. I guess when you invited me you weren’t expecting Luke to be back? I know I mentioned feeling jealous, but things seemed weird. He seemed a little possessive over you?”

“Luke?” I tried to sound nonchalant as my heart fluttered ten to the dozen. “No, he’s a bit over-protective, wants to make sure you aren’t messing me around, I guess.”

“I feel like maybe for him it’s more,” Zack sighed. “Listen, I wanted to say, if there’s anything there, then please tell me now. I think the two of us together are amazing, and I loved our talk on Saturday morning. I feel like we’re on the cusp of something special. If there’s an issue, now would be the time to say.”

“No issue,” I replied, my eyes still squeezed shut. “He’s used to being my safety net. I’ll ask him to tone it down a little. I think me and you are amazing too.”

“Thank you.” I could hear relief and happiness in his voice. “Listen, I’m beyond exhausted, think I’ll pass out as soon as I’m home. Can I let you know there were no strippers, and I thought about you the entire time. I have a couple of days off work, be good to see you if you’re up for that?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I replied. “You enjoy sleeping it off, speak tomorrow.” I opened my eyes after ending the call. How could I tell him about yesterday? There was no way.

The closer it got to four o’clock, the more my heart sank. I never thought the prospect of seeing Luke would bring me misery like this. As I heard a gentle knock on the door, I realised I’d chewed on my lip so much I could taste the coppery tang of blood.

“Hi…” Luke looked as bad as I felt, obviously tired, obviously worried.

“Come in.” I headed over to the dining table where I’d already made coffee.

We sat there for what felt like an eternity, not speaking. In reality, it was about thirty seconds.

“So, you wanted to see me?” Luke asked with a nervous tremor in his voice.

“Yep, and now you’re here I don’t know what to say. I haven’t slept a wink, just gone over and over everything in my head.” He nodded in agreement at my words. “I know you weren’t taking advantage of me or our friendship. I should never have said that, I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell you. I completely screwed this up. Most important person in my life and I screwed it up by being too scared to tell you.”

“Luke…” I held his hand over the table as my voice broke and tears fell down my cheeks. “If you’d come to me a year ago, six months ago, even six weeks ago… I would’ve been shocked, it would’ve taken a while to digest. But… I would’ve kissed you. I would’ve wanted to give it a go.” He swallowed loudly. “But now, I’m in a different situation. I’ve already had to tell Zack white lies about this, and I don’t want to be that person, Luke. Lying, kissing other people. I can’t do that. I can’t be that.” I was crying so hard now I didn’t even know if he could make out every word. “I don’t want to lose you as my friend, but we can’t be more, Luke. I’m so sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t give you what you want.”

He pulled his hand away from mine and stood up, his coffee untouched. “Thank you for being honest. I don’t want to lose your friendship either, but I… I need time.”

I watched him walk to the door through blurry eyes, pausing as he reached for the handle. I ran across the room, wrapped my arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head and backed out of the door, closing it behind him. My forehead pressed against the cold wood, I cried my heart out. Partially at losing my friend. Partially at thinking what could’ve been.

Grabbing my phone without thinking, I pressed on Cassie’s name.

“Hey you, did you get to that appointment to get your pill sorted? Think we know it’s about to get real with Zack,” she sang down the phone, bonkers as always, completely unaware of the heartbreak occurring.

“I did, I went last week, but that’s not why I’m ringing.” There was no hiding the tremor in my voice. “Did you know about Luke?”

“What?” I heard her stop whatever she was doing. “What do you mean? What’s wrong with Luke?”

“I need you to make sure he’s OK. He… I’ve upset him. I think I’ve lost him, Cassie.” My breath shuddered. “I didn’t know he loved me. I didn’t know, Cassie, and now he’s so hurt.”

“He loves you?! What the actual…” Her voice was tense. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. You know that sort of makes sense, though, now you’ve said it. Why didn’t he say sooner? Oh God and now you have Zack and… Fuuuuuuuck! What happened?”

“It’s a bit of a blur. I told him that I was with Zack and I was sorry… I don’t know, Cassie, I was so shocked. He was crying, I was crying; it was horrid. He’ll hate me. How did I not see this?”

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