Page 35 of Wanted

We’re living in the same space, the same bed, but the distance between us is insurmountable. I’ve repeated the reasons in my mind over and over again; however, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I walk slowly on the wooden floor, my hands tracing the molding on the walls, leading me to the window. I drop into the chair and look at the night sky, searching for the North Star, like the sailors used, to guide me home. My father always said home is not a place, it’s a person. My person isn’t here, that person is hidden behind a forest of shadows and deception, and there are no breadcrumbs on the ground to guide me back.

I’m walking alone, fighting a battle against invisible demons. Because I also don’t know who is by my side.

I fell in love with one man who later became another after we got married, and now another totally different man is laying on that bed. It baffles me how the same person can have so many faces. It’s like meeting a new person who has already been with you, who you swore to honor.

I don’t want to wither away, I want to grow and flourish. And this Lionel somehow, with his small gestures is letting me know he cares, and makes me feel warm inside.

The last few day’s fatigue is taking its toll on me. I’m about to cramp my neck, dozing off in this chair. The best thing is to go to bed and see if I can get a good night’s sleep for the first time in a while.

Boy, do I need it.

I’m in the bed, under the soft sheets, when I hear Lionel mumbling.

“We are the same…” he whispers. “I’m him and he’s me…”

What does that mean?

“Why?” he starts to raise his voice.

Is he dreaming of the attack?

“I’ll trade my life with yours.”

What the fuck is he talking about?

“I didn’t know… I didn’t know.” What is he saying? Didn’t know what?

I approach him carefully, crawling on the bed until my hand touches his back and he leans in, seeking for my touch.

“Lionel, everything is okay,” I say quietly. I’m doing the same thing I did in the hospital, trying to comfort him, although I’m not sure he’s listening. “You’re at home, love, you’re safe at home.”

My hands travel down his shoulder to his back and through his hair, trying to ease the tension I find there. Pushing away whatever is torturing him.

He says nothing more, sighs, and lets himself be carried away by the sands of sleep, losing himself in them.

I crossed the bridge shortening the distance between us, at least for tonight. I lay down behind him, my chest touching his back as I wrap my arms around him.

I’m your shield, I’m right here with you. Lean on me.

Tomorrow will be another day and I will have time to deal with the consequences, now all I want is to feel his warmth and comfort him with mine.

Maybe my trust is broken, but he’s right, there is something big between us. Or the promise of it.

No one can run before learning to walk. I’m going to be like a baby walking with unsteady legs making its way into the world for the first time. I think I’m going to stay.

Fuck it, I’m going to stay.

Because the best is yet to come, right?

Chapter Twelve

My pillow is warm and cozy. This might be one of the most comfortable beds I’ve ever slept on.

I settle again, covering myself with the blankets up to my neck, not even bothering to open my eyes. It feels like heaven.

“Stella, stay still,” I hear his throaty voice. “Move that knee a little higher and you’re going to crack my nuts, and it’s far too early for that.”

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