Page 34 of Wanted

“And you think I don’t know that?” He stares into my eyes. Lionel isn’t hiding behind a curtain of rage as he used to do before. Now he speaks in a low, firm, and confident voice. “You think I don’t see your value as a woman?”

“You’re asking for a lot.”

He’s asking me to jump into the void without a safety net.

“Take the risk with me,” he asks, almost pouting. Damn, such a cocky man.

“Lionel, I don’t want to spend my whole life asking for your permission.” There it goes, another truth as big as this house. “Nor do I want to live begging for forgiveness because I did something that wasn’t in your plans.”

Lionel closes his eyes. Now I understand why he does it, to stop himself from stuttering.

“I don’t want to clip your feathers,” he says. I look him in the eye and I only see honesty shining in them. “I want you to fly.”

It sounds too good to be true, but the words are blown away by the wind.

Out there the future is waiting for me. I don’t know what fate has in store for me, but I’ve learned from my past and a mountain of broken promises.

One day, I don’t know when, I will show the world what I’m capable of.

“What if I fall again…” Those words are full of meaning.

The Lionel of my past only broke down my barriers, but this Lionel can destroy me.

“We will fall together,” he says hopefully. “Take the chance on me, Stella.”

“Give me one reason to. And don’t you dare say because we loved each other.”

“Do it because we both deserve to be happy.”

My mouth twists. He deserves nothing, neither my trust, nor my love. Nothing.

“Next.”

“Because we both need it. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I let you go. There is something between us, and I want to find out what it is.”

“Of course, there is something between us, idiot. Why else would I marry you?”

A sad smile is drawn on his lips. “You’re giving me the reason. Take a chance for us, believe in me. Regret what you did and not what could have been.”

“Lionel…” I start to say. “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.”

“Stella, forgive me, please…” He approaches me, I can feel the strength of his body in front of mine. “We both need this, Hvezda.”

“What I need right now is a hot shower,” I tell him, my voice louder than I expected.

Yes, I’m an ostrich, so what? I need more time before I go to bed with him.

This night is going to be a very long one.

* * *

I have no idea how much time I’ve spent in the warm rain of the shower. This time not even my favorite soap aroma—the honey with lavender blend—comforts me. I’m troubled, and so confused. I should follow Alison’s advice and get a tarot card, chopsticks, or tea reading. Maybe it would give me a clue as to what to do next.

When I open the door to the room, I find it in darkness, only dimly lit by the moonlight coming through the large windows, because the drapes are open. Lionel is laying on his side with his back to me, the wall of pillows he promised to build in the middle of the bed.

The Mississippi.

He’s giving me what I asked for, and it feels horrible.

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