Page 104 of Four Times Forever

I expected her hair to go up in flames and this whole house to catch fire. She was silent for a long time.

So long, I started to think I'd messed up her progress.

My pulse sounded like the intro music to that Law & Order show as I anticipated her response.

"Mom, say something," I whispered.

She shook her head and fluttered her lashes. "Give me a second. I'm just trying to get my head around what's real and what's not at the moment. I'd convinced myself that I only said those things because I was losing my mind."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know," my voice scratched.

"No, no. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry." Mom covered her mouth with her hand while I tried to make sense of her reaction. I had expected the roof to be blown off by now. "Do you know why I named you Lily?" She brought her eyes around to meet mine.

Thinking this was her means of dissociating, I shook my head and forced a smile. "Because it's a tradition. You're named Petal, Grandma's named Rose."

"Yeah. But do you know why I chose Lily?" Mom leaned forward and locked me in her gaze.

"No," I resigned.

"Lily is my favorite flower." She took a deep breath, fighting the emotions pulling at the skin around her nose.

My mind went silent.

"When you were born, you were perfect." She sniffed. "I know I'd messed up the first time with your brother. I thought I'd gotten a better father figure for him when I got with Terry. But as soon as I got pregnant with you, his attitude shifted. Like he owned me or something. By the time you were born, I knew I had to get away. I planned to get away. But he'd shown up at the hospital and one look at you, he'd morphed into a softie."

Say what? My heart refused to believe it. I'd never seen that man as anything but a shitstain in my life, for good reason. I couldn't imagine him being soft.

"He cried and apologized. Even brought your brother a gift. Got me one. Got you a stuffed bear. Said he'd be a better man from there on. I believed him." She shook her head and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. "It took him less than a week to go back on his word. He couldn't last without a drink past a week." Mom scoffed. "Started putting his hands on me again. Then he would climb into bed all drunk and crying, apologizing. Like he was struggling, you know. He wanted to change, but just didn't know how. I was conflicted. I couldn't support myself and a family. He was keeping the lights on, food on the table and putting your brother in pre-school. I figured that as long as he didn't put his hands on any of you, I could put up with the beating. I saw his softer side and thought I could love him out of it. Again, I was wrong." She hissed. "I'm so sorry. I should have left the minute you were born." Mom was full on crying now and I ran over to hug her, but she shielded me away. "I don't deserve your compassion. That man made our lives a living hell. He almost took my Lily. He's the reason my son is dead. And I stood by and did nothing. I'm equally to blame."

Oh, my heart was thick and aching. "I didn't know those... I don't know a lot about a lot of things, it seems." I cleared away the tightness in the back of my throat.

"Your men have never given you any reason to doubt them," she attempted to soothe me.

"What's better? A wolf in sheep's clothing or the one that bares its teeth?" I sought out her eyes. "How did you know that they were involved in Terry's death?"

"Oh, I didn't." She fanned me away, but her eyes broke contact.

"Mom," I insisted.

"Oh alright. I saw it in Ryan's eyes. It wasn't just hate when he was screaming at me. There was something else there. Like he knew something I didn't. Like he was proud of the secret he was keeping." She sighed.

Everything inside me split open. "He's just like dad."

"Is he?" she asked. "I don't remember your dad going out of his way to help anyone but himself. They were all there, helping you care for me."

"So you did remember all of that," I gasped.

"Of course I remember. It was a bit cringe at first. I mean, look at them. They're all handsome strapping men and I'm no longer in my prime."

"Mom!" My mouth fell open in a grimace.

"I'm just saying, they all did what they did because Terry hurt you. Have you ever felt unsafe around them before now?" she asked.

"With Ryan. Now I know that the reason he changed had everything to do with what they did to..." I gulped. "Terry and his accomplice."

"What do you mean, he changed?" she asked.

"He was always drunk. Throwing up on himself. Isolating himself..." I thought about the torment that he'd been living through and I had no idea about. "You don't think he blamed me for what he did?"

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