Page 37 of Holy Sinner

I was able to move like that because I was at the top of the food chain. That fire put a lot of things into perspective for me, and for that I’m grateful. Because that fire brought me to Kit. If it hadn’t been for the fire on Unchained Dark, I would have never looked at her books and realized it was me she was writing, I never would have gone for a role like the one I have now.

Kit turns to me when we’re at the lodge doors and smiles. Everything in this place is made to sparkle and shine in the sunlight but it doesn’t compare to her smile.

Her smile is my sun.

Chapter Eighteen

KIT

The Elysium Sol Sanctuary is about a hundred times nicer than the production lot in Seattle and as much as I loved the loft I had with Grant and Rafe, the accommodations here are to die for. Plus, there’s an honest to god coffee shop in the lodge with a barista and everything. Holly hadn’t been lying about the sound bath, either. I got to sit and relax for half an hour with my latte in hand while Rafe kept me company. I think he really liked the experience and I’m going to see if he wants to come with me again tonight.

I smile and sip my new beverage. This one is an iced elderflower and rose tea that is beyond perfect for the setting. I take in a deep breath and let it out while the birds chirp and a gentle breeze ruffles my hair. I turn my face up to the sky and take in another breath and let it out. I’m relaxed. It’s easy to be in a setting like this. Elysium is everything I imagine when I think of a weekend getaway.

Mount Hood looms in the distance. It’s close, much closer than I’ve ever seen it and it’s a gorgeous sight. Even in the summer it’s peak is capped in snow. I turn my face and study the mountain. The dark forest around Elysium fades away while I let my eyes move over the bold lines of the mountain. Dark gray rock juts up and fractures the sky with its slope and peak. White snow gives way to dazzling blue sky and I sip on my tea and wonder what it would be like to stand at the peak.

Everything would look small and insignificant. Everything would melt away, I know it would. I bet I’d feel just as at ease as I do here at Elysium. It’s hard to put into words how safe I suddenly feel. It might be the imposing gates we drove through on the way here and the fact that I know the place has security and that no one knows I’m here with Grant and Rafe.

No one knows where the three of us have gone and that’s refreshing. The confirmation of our absence showed itself to me when I scanned the usual gossip sites this morning in the lodge while I stood in line for coffee with Grant. He sighed when he saw me searching our names and dropped a kiss on my cheek.

“No one knows we’re here. You’re safe, sweetheart.”

Safe.

I squeeze my eyes shut and block out the mountain and the trees and the birds. I haven’t felt safe in so long. Yes, there’s the times when I’m with Grant and Rafe that everything feels right and perfect but I know that’s delicate. The photos from my past tell me so. Someone has something on me and it doesn’t matter how much I want to ignore them, they’re out there waiting for me. They’ll be there when our time filming at Elysium is over. I know it.

We’ll be here maybe a month or so, two if the rotation of the crew slows us down more than we want. The sound of a hammer and an electrical saw catches my attention and I squint into the distance trying to locate the sound, but I can’t.

The build for the sets must be on the other side of the lodge if I can hear it but not see it. The rest of the crew got here after lunch and immediately launched into creating new sets for filming. Right now, a picture perfect replica of Rosa’s home and my book’s setting, Delilah Falls, is being constructed.

Before I got my iced tea I saw the blueprints for the town and couldn’t believe my eyes. On the old production lot there wasn’t enough room to truly create the town in one go so it was broken up into sections, but here?

My eyes go up to Mount Hood and I smile. Here there’s more than enough room. There’s no need to break it up. The whole town can exist in one piece and before I know it, I’ll be walking down Main Street of Delilah Falls like I always dreamed. My inner sixteen year old self is losing her shit, just like I know will happen when I see the finished product.

I started writing By The Way the summer I turned sixteen as an escape. At first, the story meandered, more of a wish fulfillment than anything else. That was before I discovered the purpose of it. My hands tighten on the glass of iced tea slightly and my mood sours when I think about how my story found its direction—it's why.

That change was only possible because I changed.

I swallow hard and I’m not seeing the mountain or the blue skies anymore. I’m somewhere else, fading into the memories I did my best to forget but it's no use. My hand shakes and I have to put my glass down because it’s suddenly hard to breathe. It’s not trees in front of me–it’s the flash of a camera and the taunting eyes of a boy I liked.

“Come on, Kit. You like me, don’t you?”

My knees feel weak and I have to brace myself on the railing in front of me to stay upright. Sweat breaks out along my temple and down my back. The tank top I’m wearing sticks to me and I pull at the fabric, trying to catch a breath. It feels like the world is closing in on me and my heart is racing. It beats in my chest so hard that for a second the past is drowned out and the only thing in my ears is the rush of my blood. It sounds like the ocean. I gasp and lean over the railing but it doesn’t matter, another wave rolls over me and the past resurfaces while I choke for air. The voice I’ve tried to forget slices through the noise that holds me under.

“Answer me, Kit. I said, you like me, don’t you?”

I open my mouth to answer but, just like all those years ago, nothing comes out. Instead, I hyperventilate, short quick breaths that make my head spin. I grip the railing so hard that it leaves marks in my hands. I’m going to be sick.

“Go away,” I whisper. My voice cracks and it’s barely more than a squeak. It’s not going to be enough to make the past go quiet. It never is.

“Hey.”

My eyes pop open and my blood turns to ice in my veins. That voice is real. It’s here with me and everything goes still as I swipe at the tears I didn’t even realize I’d shed. I dab at my eyes and clear my throat when I hear footfalls approach me from behind.

“You all right, sweetheart?” Grant’s voice behind me works like a charm to shut the past up when I can’t. I’m not surprised by that. Not even a little bit.

“I’m fine,” I lie and raise my glass to my lips to take a swig. I need to get my shit together.

“You’re crying,” Grant says as he comes to rest against the railing with me.

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