Page 38 of Holy Sinner

“It’s just allergies,” I whisper.

I don’t look at him, I keep my eyes trained on the mountain and trees. Anything but look at him. If I do, he'll know. He probably already does, but if I look at him there’ll be no denying it then. He’ll know that I’m not fucking okay and I’m not ready to have that conversation.

Not yet.

I take in a deep breath and let it out. The calm that washed over me earlier isn’t here now, but I can pretend if Grant is with me. I move closer to him, sip my tea and lean into his arm.

“They’re building Delilah Falls,” I whisper.

Grant puts an arm around me and squeezes my shoulder. “You happy about that?” he asks and I wince, because I know he saw more than I wanted him to. Grant doesn’t give a shit about a lot. I know he cares about his family, or at least he knows he should, so he does. Sometimes I wonder if that’s how he feels about me. He swears it’s not true. When I asked him about it, it did make sense.

“They raised me. I owe them because there isn’t a moment they haven’t been good to me.”

“What about me?”

“You’re nothing but good,” Grant replied smoothly and pulled me into his arms, “and that means you deserve me.”

I’d rolled my eyes and laughed at him when he’d thrown me on the bed but the thought creeps up on me. I know Grant loves me, but it’s there in the back of my mind. What if he decides to stop? What if the thing that makes him want me just…ends? What will I do then?

“Would you love me if I wasn’t good anymore?” I ask and I feel my man go still. I don’t look at him, just keep my eyes on the trees and the sky and sip my tea. Grant moves before he speaks. He reaches down and brushes my hair away from my face before he trails his thumb along my cheek.

“You do something, sweetheart?” he asks softly.

I swallow and then nod. I did do something. I don’t know if I’m good because of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been good, if I’m honest. What if he doesn’t want me anymore when he realizes that I’m just another fucked up piece of shit?

Would he kill me if he didn’t want me anymore?

Probably.

“What did you do?” Grant’s voice drops and it’s mostly a rumble. It reminds me of thunder and I close my eyes to block out the bright early summer sunshine.

If I don’t give him anything, he’ll pry. He’ll think about it and tell Rafe. The two of them together? They can figure anything out, do anything. They’re unstoppable. The pictures are stopped for now. The move saw to that and with the rotation of crew, it’ll be harder for someone to access the lot. If they surface, we’ll know who it is. I have a chance of Rafe and Grant not realizing it’s not the recent pictures I’m scared of. Not even the ones from Rafe’s suite and the possibility of a stalker scare me like that blurry snapshot of my past. It’s a window into the worst night of my life, when everything went wrong and the true nature of what I am came out to play.

“You’re worthless.”

Those had been my mother’s words. She’d been right and that night…that night…

“Kit, what did you do?” Grant turns me to face him and my tea sloshes over the rim of my glass and gets on my hands. I put the glass down on the railing and make a show of trying to wipe my hands on my jeans but he doesn’t let me get away from him.

He grips my chin and forces my face up to look at him. “Answer me.”

Grant’s voice isn’t thunder anymore. Thunder can be comforting, a rolling rumble that makes you want to stay indoors and snuggle into your blankets because you’re grateful to be inside. But those two words are dark and cold.

They feel like icy rain rolling down my spine and I look at him, because my sweet and caring boyfriend isn’t here anymore. The man that might kill me is, though.

I love them both, so I don’t move away. Not even when Grant’s grip tightens and he squeezes too hard. He’s always been the rougher one with me and if I lie, he’ll know. I might be able to lie to Rafe but not Grant. No fucking way would he not know.

I swallow hard and put my hand on his. “I threatened Jasmine,” I whisper, because I’m not lying to him. I did do that and it’s something he and Grant don’t know.

Grant’s grip on me loosens, not all the way but I’ll take it. He’s interested and distracted. “What do you mean threatened?” he asks. From the way he asks I know I’m not going to get away with just that, so I go all in.

“I almost, you know…” I say, letting my voice trail off.

“Almost what?” he presses. I slash at my throat with my finger and he chuckles. “Say it.”

The words don’t get stuck on my tongue like I thought they might. “I almost slit her throat,” I say softly.

“And what would that do, baby?” The ice is gone and the fire is back. Grant’s voice feels like a shot of whiskey and my belly goes warm. “Tell me what you almost really did,” he urges and leans into my space.

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