Page 81 of Calico Descending

“Cadmus! Enough!” Valdys’s voice thunders from behind me, and the splash of water is a signal of his intent to attack, but I reach back to stop him, shaking my head.

Tears swell in my eyes, and I have to turn away from Cadmus, because as much as I want to throw those words back in his face, the truth is, they hurt. I swallow back the wobble in my throat and sniff. “Whatever pain I’ve caused you, I’m sorry.” I step toward him and rest my hand against his chest, which flinches beneath my palm. As much as it pains me to stare into the darkness behind his eyes, the depths of which likely hold terrors I can’t even begin to imagine, I don’t look away from him. “You don’t have to say anything.”

The first evidence of shame flickers across his face. A shaky blast of air expels from his nose as he lowers his head, a sob breaking through his teeth. I wrap my arms around him, drawing myself against him, and rest my head to his heart. Every tremble of his muscles beats through me in a constant rhythm of pain and misery, and I hold him tighter, letting him break down.

His massive arms engulf me, and he falls to his knees, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “Fuck,” he whispers. “I’m so fucked.”

“You’re not. You’re going to be okay.” I stroke his shaved head, laying a kiss to the top of it. “We’re all going to be okay again.”

Beside the fire, the three of us lie on outspread sleeping bags, Cadmus breathing easy, the occasional twitch of his muscles telling me he’s fallen asleep behind me. I tell myself that, up until the point Cadmus succumbed to his nightmares, what happened between us wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t fantasy, but a small bit of comfort that I could give to a man whose blood runs through me. One who saved my life by sparing me the nightmares that I can see plague him. I don’t know what those scars are, and as much as it troubles me, I can’t bear to ask him. He’s not the same man he was before they took him away, though, this much is certain.

My hope is that, someday, I’ll catch that wily smirk on his face and know the man has finally conquered the demons battling inside of him. For now, I’m content with knowing he sleeps in what appears to be some level of peace.

Valdys lies on his back, staring up at the stars again. I think this is what I love most about him. That a man so strong and domineering can possibly be tempered with a gentle touch and attention to things most of us take for granted. He’s the most extraordinary thing that’s ever happened to me in my eighteen years. And yet, I harbor this inexplicable fear of losing him. Maybe the guilt still lingers inside me, but the nature of this world is to take, and somehow I feel as if wanting forever with him makes me too greedy for it.

It’s a wonder we fall in love, at all. Sometimes, I think we’re all just innately drawn to heartache. Why else would we dare to fall so deeply, knowing what consequences may lie ahead?

“You’re not angry with me? For allowing him to touch me?” I wouldn’t blame him if he was. Seeing him with another woman would crush me in ways I can’t begin to fathom. But then I think of Neela, and I try to imagine how differently she might’ve been, with someone like Valdys. How his soothing touch might’ve given her one moment of light in the dark world that ultimately consumed her.

For her, I might’ve been willing to sacrifice one night with him, as well.

“My love for you goes beyond flesh. Beyond reason. There isn’t anything you can do to change that.” His lips press against mine, assuring me, comforting me, as only he can, before his gaze returns to the sky.

Twinges of panic beat inside my chest. A man isn’t supposed to be this understanding. This kind and loving. It’s unbalanced for the years of pain and loss I’ve come to know.

“What else is troubling you?”

I tearfully smile at his ability to read me without even having to look. “I’m afraid. Afraid that I might love you too much.”

“Is that possible?”

I’d chuckle at that, but the anxiety inside of me seems to have doubled in the last hour while lying beside him. “Nothing in this world is given, only taken, and I fear you’ll be taken from me. I have nightmares about it. And there’s nothing that would be more painful than losing you.”

He breaks his stargazing to kiss me on the forehead. “It would take all of hell to pull me away from you, and the army would have to be exceptional.”

“It is. Legion is the biggest army there is.”

Lifting his head, he guides my eyes to his, until all I want to do is drown in that stormy gray sea. “And they still couldn’t keep me from you.”

I tip my head back to kiss him, promising myself I’ll not ruin these moments with him for things I can’t control. “What was your name before? Before Calico?”

“Cyrus. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it, doesn’t feel like mine anymore.” With a sigh, he mindlessly runs his finger up and down my shoulder, springing goosebumps there. “Sometimes, I hear my mother call to me in dreams. But it holds nothing for me. No memory. No meaning.”

I don’t say anything in response, and instead watch him tip his head back toward the sky, enthralled by the wonder gleaming in his eyes.

“I never thought I’d see stars like this again,” he says. “Had I not followed you, had I not met you, I doubt I ever would have again.”

Tracing my finger down his square jaw, I smile. “I’m glad you followed me.” I tip my head to the sky, too. If there is such a thing as Heaven, I’ve touched it.

In a world that takes so much and gives nothing in return, I’ve found reason to be grateful with Valdys.

A crackle snaps my attention to the opposite side of the fire, where Titus stands, holding a half dozen rabbits by their ears. He jerks his head, and I follow the path of his gaze toward Cadmus, who hasn’t stirred, even with the sound of Titus’s footsteps. At the query in his eyes, silently asking whether Cadmus is okay, or not, I give a solemn nod.

In truth, I don’t know if he’ll be okay. I’ve seen horrors in my life, the likes of which I hope to never see again, but all of them fall short when compared to what now churns inside the Alpha’s head.

Chapter 34

Somehow, two days pass in this hidden paradise. We spend the afternoons playing in the waterfall, wasting the hours away like children, and nights are spent lying beneath the stars.

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