Page 97 of Kadra: The Unfeeling

Then I realized that must be it.

My men weren’t raised privileged. Neither did Vitali and Azariel. I stop to look at every single one of them. Crow’s excited eyes, Azariel looking around him as if he doesn’t believe he’s actually here, Vitali smiling from ear to ear, Grim looking at his boss with a smile of his own and lastly my brooding Vernon is the only one not really smiling or showing any type of excitement but I can tell he’s not at all bother by being here. His posture is relaxed and his expression is not closed off and there’s no usual sadness I can always see staring back at me. Not tonight.

Clicking my red heels on the ground, I put my hands on my waist and make a show to look everywhere before looking at them again. I bet they all must be waiting for me to say something sarcastic or put a damper on the mood. Not anymore. That changes now. I’ve decided not to cast a shadow over their fun or make any sarcastic remark. Never again will I do that to them. Smiling wide, I smile at my people. My men. “Where do we start?” Silence follows my question, and I mentally roll my eyes.

“Do you feel okay, boss?” Crow steps forward and lays his hand on my forehead feeling for a fever. I gently slap his hand away.

“Don’t make me regret this…” I narrow my eyes on him, my lips twitching when he slowly backs away with his hands raised over his head in a sign of surrender. “Go stuff your face…” I said with a laugh then I looked at Vernon. “And you…” He raises a brow, waiting. “If I can endure this carnival, so can you and make sure this one.” I point over my shoulder at Crow who is now walking towards the corn dog cart. “Behaves.”

Vernon rolls his eyes playfully and then follows Crow.

“And you…” I look down at Azariel who is now looking up at me as if he’s seeing me for the first time. Thump. Thump. Thump. Can you hear how loud my heart beats for you, sweet boy? “Where do you want to go first?” I breathe out.

He thinks about it for a second before he points towards the bumper cars.

Such a boy…

“Ah that’s a good one, son,” Vitali says, rendering not only me but Azariel speechless. When neither Azariel nor I speak, Vitali turns his head and catches us staring at him and a look I’ve never seen before from him makes my heart ache in a way I can’t fully understand now. He blushes. My Russian. My very scary Russian blushes.

What the actual hell…

My eyes move between them and I notice Azariel is unfazed. He’s looking at Vitali as if he said nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps, my sweet boy has stolen Vitali’s heart just like he did mine. If anyone could do it, Azariel would be the one to do so. I have no doubt.

He stole mine and put it back together. That takes a special kind of warrior to do it.

Vitali clears his throat nervously and runs his hand through his hair. Tonight, it was messy and disheveled. Secretly, I preferred it that way. He also looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead, he motions for us to follow him.

We’re almost to the bumper cars when I feel someone tugging on my dress. Looking down I find Azariel’s tiny hand holding onto my leather.

I quickly drop down to his level so he can look into my eyes when he speaks. “What is it, little one?”

I don’t miss how his eyes flash with something that looks a hell of a lot like happiness before he masks it with that unfeeling facade that reminds me so much of myself and the Russian. Oh, what a trio we are. So alike it’s almost scary.

“What does it feel like to be loved by a parent?” He asks so quietly that I almost miss it. Looking behind me, I see Vitali a few feet away from us looking at us with a frown on his face. I give him a reassuring smile before turning to Azariel.

I think about his question. I think about Gabriele’s hate and Renata’s love. Both those feelings shaped me and made the woman that’s in front of Azariel today.

I don’t ever want to lie to him but I also don’t want him to not believe in love just because we had bad luck at it.

“Can I touch you, Azariel?” I ask him while raising my glove hands towards his small shoulders. I hold my breath and wait for his response. I need him to feel how loved he is and sometimes words are just not enough. Not for people like us.

After a moment, Azariel slowly nods and I’m able to release the breath I was holding. Putting my hands on his small shoulders I hold him closer to me. Nothing has ever felt quite like being held by Vitali and touching my sweet grumpy boy Azariel. “I wouldn’t know what a parent’s love feels like. Not really. It’s complicated. My mother’s love felt good for only a little while but it always ended up hurting.” I tell him watching his reaction. He listens intently as I give him only truths. “But Azariel… that can’t break you, yes? You choose your family. I did.” I tap his nose and the most beautiful thing happens.

He smiles.

His entire face lights up and I think my heart will go into cardiac arrest with how my heart just stopped in my chest. When I snap out of it, I smile back while holding onto his shoulder but before I’m able to register what happened he throws himself at me hugging me for dear life.

Time seems to stop as I wrap my arm around him and he holds my neck tightly. “I choose you.” He whispers so sweetly and I can’t help it.

A tear falls from my eye, I have to blink a few times to stop more from falling.

Hugging him closer, I reply. “And my heart chose you, my boy.”

He then pulls back and gives me a forehead kiss and I think I might die right here of cuteness overload.

“Can we go play now?” He tilts his head and smirks. He knows what he’s done to me. So cocky. Right now, he reminds me so much of Vitali.

Rising to my full height, I grab his tiny hand in mine. “We sure can.” I drag him along as I walk towards Vitali who has his back to us. I reach out and touch Vitali’s back and he takes a second before turning to us. When he does he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. What happened? Why do his eyes look red? Frowning, I open my mouth to ask when he holds out his gloved hand to Azariel and then wraps his strong arm around my waist and pulls me closer to his body. “Let’s have a good night, Da?” He asks Azariel then turns to me. Those gray eyes penetrate me, stealing my breath. “The best night.” He gave me a slow, lazy grin before he led us toward the rides.

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