Page 80 of Never Too Late

“I don’t deserve anyone or anything.”

“Why didn’t I think before I did this?”

“I destroy everything.”

I don’t notice how loud I’m cursing myself until I spot Jae sat at the edge of the bed out of the corner of my eye.

He isn’t saying anything, he doesn’t need to. If I was to look at him right now, I would probably be able to see it on his face.

And so, I ignore that he’s sat watching me and continue taping the pieces of paper back together.

I’m too scared he’ll agree with the words coming out of my mouth.

I continue the verbal assaults on myself until I find it hard to breathe and my voice starts to break.

Instead of words of anger, they turn into words of pain.

“I don’t understand why I do the things I do sometimes.”

“I don’t understand what’s going on in my head.”

“I feel like the world is against me and I’m trying so hard to fight it. I have to keep on fighting it.”

“I don’t understand why people love me. I don’t deserve to be loved. All I do is cause pain.”

I stop when I feel Jae’s arm around my waist, pulling me into him, his strength pulling me back so I’m now sitting in his lap.

“It’s okay to be angry at the world. Just please let me hold you while you do it,” he says softly in my ear as he kisses my cheek.

“I don’t know if I’m angry at the world, all I know is that I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at my mind and the way it works, I’m angry at the way I handle things without thinking. I’m angry at the way I don’t understand why I am the way I am. The way I’m different. The way I see things differently, do things differently. None of it makes any sense to me. I feel as though I’m in a constant battle with myself. One I’m not sure I’ll win.”

He brings me in closer. His warmth and smell invade my senses.

Home. Home. Home.

“I just feel so angry and sad all the time. But most of all, I feel confused. Why am I so different from everyone else? Why does no one else feel this way?”

He gently presses a kiss to the back of my head.

“Yes, you're different. You could stand in a room full of people and my eyes would find you every time. You’re so used to not being seen, yet to me, you’re the brightest star. And you know what, pretty boy? That’s what I love about you the most. You are different, thinking differently or acting differently never meant anything to me. Every single thing you did made me fall more and more head over heels for you. You’re not going to win the war in your mind alone, because I’m going to be here, fighting it with you. Every.” Kiss. “Step.” Kiss. “Of.” Kiss. “The.” Kiss. “Way.”

He turns my body gently so I’m looking into his eyes.

"Pretty boy, you still call me that. Why? I'm ugly. I hurt people. I break things."

"Ugly? You're far from it. No one is ugly. And you, are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. You don't believe it for yourself. But that's okay. I'll believe it enough for both of us, because it's the truth. And if all it takes for you to believe it again, is me telling you everyday, it's the least I can do."

“But what if you get sick of me? What if I get too much? Is that why Noah came? Do you need to be saved?”

Did I really say that out loud?

“Is that why you panicked? You felt I needed to be saved?” I can hear the hint of sadness in his voice as he puts his hand underneath my chin and tilts my face up towards his. “Please look at me, Dax. I was saved on the field because I needed to come back here. I needed to come back to you. My body was fighting because I needed to come home. I don’t need to be saved from you; I need to be with you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. No matter the way you think, the way you feel, the things you do. It will always be you.”

I scramble, collecting the rest of the pieces of paper I was in the middle of taping.

“Let me help you with those.” He picks up one of the pieces of paper, scanning his eyes over it. “What are these?” he asks with tears in his eyes.

I start to panic. Quickly trying to pick them up so he can’t see the rest.

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