Page 79 of Never Too Late

Chapter forty-three

Dax

“You once joked, saying I’d probably end up finding someone better than you. But the truth is, pretty boy, without even wanting to look, I already know, no one will ever be better than you.”

I wake up in darkness, hearing nothing but the sound of the wind breezing through the window that’s opened slightly. I don’t know how long I fell asleep for, but what I do know is, it’s fucking freezing. Leaning to my side, I turn on the table lamp on the unit and take in the mess around me. My floor, from what I can see, is now covered with posters I’d ripped down from the walls, clothes I’d pulled from my drawers, records are now scattered between the mess. And all I can think of is how much it resembles my mind.

I feel a weight on the other side of the bed and for a moment, I panic, trying to remember what else I had broken but nothing comes to me. Turning slightly, I realise it’s not an object, it’s a person.

My sunshine, and he’s sleeping quietly next to me.

He must have come over when I was asleep.

You really fucked up this time, didn’t you, Dax?

I should be feeling happy that he’s here. Happy he’s next to me. But I don’t. All I can feel is sadness and guilt. He should be with Noah right now. Noah came to see him. So why is he here with me?

I want to hug him, press my body against his and feel his warmth.

But I can’t. And I don’t understand why.

Gently moving my legs from the bed, I lower myself to the floor, needing to find a T-shirt or a jumper, anything to cover myself with, but try to remain as quiet as possible so I don’t wake him up.

Spotting my Nirvana T-shirt hanging from the chair underneath the window, I gently rise to my feet, slowly padding over to grab it and slide it on.

Looking over at his sleeping body, I can’t help but also feel thankful he’s here with me. No matter how guilty that makes me feel. He’s with me. He wanted to be with me.

He didn’t leave me.

He didn’t need to be saved.

“Pretty boy?” Jae mumbles. He’s still half asleep, so I place my hands over my mouth and stand as still as possible, hoping he’ll fall back to sleep. When I can hear his light snores, I breathe.

I want to get back into bed with him, I want to be in his arms, but with the state of the room right now, I know I won’t be able to settle. I can’t distract my mind from the endless piles of clothes and paper scattered across the floor, amongst other things.

When I realise he’s gone back to sleep, I start to pile things up as quietly as I can. Throwing the clothes into one corner of the room and creating a pile of everything else. As I go to lift the posters from the floor, I realise the endless amounts of ripped paper underneath.

No, not paper.

Letters.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What did you do, Dax?

I was so overwhelmed and lost in my mind I ripped up the most important things to me. The letters Jae wrote to me and the letters I wrote in return.

I’ve never hated myself as much as I do at this moment.

I feel sick to my stomach. Disgusted with myself. Angry.

Frantically searching everywhere in the room for tape, I manage to find some underneath my bed – the only place I left untouched. Thank fuck.

No longer caring about being quiet or not wanting to wake Jae up, I run towards the table lamp on the unit next to the bed, pulling the cord as far as it can go so the lamp is next to me on the floor as I frantically start my attempt to tape up every letter one by one. Some are more ripped than others, so I start with the ones easiest to tape back together first.

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

“I'm stupid.”

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