Page 81 of Never Too Late

“They’re the letters, I’m so sorry, Jae. I didn’t know what I was doing, I wanted everything gone. I didn’t mean to rip them up. I was trying to tape them back together; I’ll tape them all back up I promise.”

“But this one says ‘Love, your Dax.’ at the bottom. I didn’t get this one. I remember every letter you sent; this wasn’t one of them.” His voice trembles.

“I didn’t stop. Even when I told you to, even when I said I was going to. I couldn’t stop. I just didn't send them anymore.”

And I burst into tears.

As does he.

He pulls me closer, and we sit in each other’s arms in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of happiness.

“Can you read them to me?” he asks, wiping his face with the back of his sleeve.

“I don’t know if you haven’t noticed, sunshine, but they're all ripped up. I’m so sorry, I’ll try to tape them back together.”

He pulls me from his lap, so I’m no longer sat on top of him, but I’m now sat next to him. He quickly stands, walking over to the light switch on the wall, turning on the larger light in the room, and comes and takes a seat back next to me on the floor.

He looks at me with softness in his eyes and his smile tells me everything he’s thinking in his head.

He didn’t need to be saved. He’s here. He’s not going anywhere.

And he speaks softly with admiration and love. “Come on then, let’s tape them up.”

Chapter forty-four

Jae

“You have no idea how hard it is for me, you being there. I don’t know if you’re okay or not. I don’t know if you’re being protected. Every time I turn on the TV, every time I look at the paper, every time I check my phone, I’m scared. Please be okay.”

It’s been four days since we started taping the letters back together.

Dax has been doing it in his spare time when he hasn’t been at work or asleep. I’ve offered to help but he tells me no each time, that it’s something he needs to do on his own; and I respect that. Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t told him I also wrote letters, but I enjoy imagining the look on his face when I shock him with his own stack.

I am desperate to see the light in his eyes again, and I’m hoping the letters are what brings it back.

His words of pain, sadness and anger from that night have been ringing in my mind on an endless loop. And from the moment he falls asleep in my arms, until the moment he wakes when the sun the rises, it pains me to think of the names he calls himself and the way he thinks the world sees him. If I could take his negative thoughts away, I would in a heartbeat.

I hate how the person who means the most to me, thinks the most negatively about himself.

I wish he could see what I see.

And while he dreams, I find myself wondering, who would have cared for him if I didn’t come back? Would he have stayed alone? Would he have met someone new?

Would he have met someone better?

Noah texted me soon after I left saying he’s going to go back to the barracks. He apologised for the way he spoke about Dax and for himself mostly. After Dax fell back to sleep when we finished cleaning his room, I made sure to let him know he had nothing to worry about and if he needs to get away, he’s more than welcome to come back. No matter what, he’s still my brother. We’re family. He was glad I replied, saying maybe in a few weeks when things with him have calmed down. After Dax had some time to himself, I was honest and told him everything that happened. He responded with a snort, telling me I was oblivious because even he knew Noah had feelings for me and that’s why he became hostile around him. After explaining he had nothing to worry about and promising him a million times over with more than words, he agreed Noah is welcome back, too, and emphasised telling me if he tries to make a move on me, he’ll gladly kick his ass.

Even though the last four days have been great between the two of us and he’s back over at my house, I find myself unable to do things at night, spending the time he’s asleep in fear.

Being so afraid I’m going to lose him again when I only just got him back.

Tyler and I have been keeping each other updated with how he is; but we both acknowledge there’s a bigger picture and something important we need to address. Through messages, the two of us have been battling between multiple ideas to encourage Dax to seek professional help, but without directly saying so. I think it’s obvious we’re anxious about how Dax will react.

Scared he’ll shut us both out. Or worse, he’ll run.

Tyler has opened up to me that Dax was diagnosed with depression at an early age. He was glad when I told him I was already aware – that I’ve always known that about him. It was obvious he was relieved someone else knew. More so, it being me. Dax has been open and honest about his depression since we first met, and in ways he’s embraced it. He’s always encouraged those around him to speak about their feelings. “Don’t lock your feelings away in a bottle. It’ll just make everything worse,” he told me once. I just wish he would follow his own advice. But as mine and Tyler’s friendship has started to develop, I’ve noticed he’s started to confide in me.

Yesterday we managed to meet for a coffee when Dax had locked himself away doing paperwork. I attempted to convince him into bringing Dax with him, but after he texted me saying he needed to talk to me alone, I understood.

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