Page 30 of Never Too Late

“Sorry. I’m listening,” he replies, swiping a finger over his mouth in a locking motion.

We both know that means nothing.

“I kept to myself for the first two years, I wanted to focus on the reason I went to university in the first place – so we could have our dream. I didn’t have any interest in going out or making friends. Every time I was asked if I wanted to go to a pub or a party, I rejected every offer. Ignored every invite. I didn’t see the point in saying yes because I didn’t want to go in the first place. You know how I am. Prefer my own company and all that. I don’t know why I gave in one night, maybe I just thought it was my last year, I may as well get some sort of university experience while I can. It was before term time; people hadn’t returned from summer break yet and new students hadn’t started. The only people that were around the town were locals, so I thought to hell with it. Why not enjoy myself once, I guess.”

I take a moment to have a breather, silently questioning myself as to why I rejected the option of having something heavier than coffee in the first place. I would have happily welcomed a shot of whiskey right now.

“Anyway, we went to the local, there was just us three. Did you know Chester had lots of squaddies? Yeah, me neither. Fucking idiots. Anyway, three guys were at the table playing pool, they were arguing about who played who when they won, and I just thought I’d offer to play the winner, mostly to stop them from arguing because they were annoying and the noises were too loud. But that’s when one of them turned around and looked me right in the eyes. Probably easier to say he stared into my soul because that’s how it felt.” I play with the cuff of my sleeve, not ready to face Tyler’s penetrative stare. I don’t want to see how he’s responding to what I’m saying. Instead, I take his hand in my own, taking in a deep breath.

And I continue.

“I always knew I was attracted to boys and girls; I don’t care what label anyone has for me, I am me and that is all that matters. I try not to care what other people think. But I’d never been interested in anyone before. I didn’t have the time. Having someone in my life has never been a priority, you know this. I’m comfortable on my own. But fuck, Ty. I don’t believe in fate or love, but fuck, he could definitely make me try. We both gravitated towards one another quickly, and pretty soon we became inseparable. We started spending as much time together as we could, he lived in the barracks, so it was easier for him to come to my house.”

“Please don’t tell me you fucked a squaddie, D…”

I shrug.

“Even I haven’t done that and I’m pretty sure it’s on my bucket list. I don’t know if I should be angry or proud. Maybe a little of both.”

“Ty, I’m pouring my heart out; I don’t want to hear about your conquests.”

“Shit, yeah. You’re right. Sorry, D. Please continue so I know why I’m going to have to cut off a squaddie’s dick.”

With a sigh and a shake of the head, I carry on. Squeezing his hand in comfort. A silent thanks shared between the two of us.

“Okay. Fuck. I haven’t spoken about this out loud before because I didn’t want this to be real. Part of me always wished for it to be a dream or a nightmare.”

“Take your time.”

Another hand squeeze.

“I got too used to him being around. Too used to being with someone. Too used to no longer being on my own, it felt like he was moulded to me. I knew he would leave eventually, I knew what his job entailed. But that didn’t matter to me, I couldn’t stop myself from falling for him, and fuck did I fall. He brought out the bright parts of me I buried so deep that I never thought it would be possible for them to be found. He made me so much happier to the point I was singing again and dancing in the kitchen. All the things I enjoyed doing before Mum died.”

I inhale a deep breath before continuing,

“I didn’t want to doubt or second guess what we had, I just lived every day oblivious to the signs that I was never meant to be happy for so long and the world would come back to collect its debt. It was me who hurt him, you know? When we found out he was being called to go out to Afghanistan, I couldn’t do it - I took it as him leaving me for good. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn’t true. It was screaming that it wasn’t true and I tried not to let it win. I guess I am my own worst enemy after all…” My throat feels dry, and my head aches with how hard I’m thinking while confessing. “We promised we’d write to each other but, Ty, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do it.”

I stop for a moment, trying to regain my steady voice.

“I wasn’t enough for him.”

Feeling as though I’m unable to sit up right any more from crying so much, I decide it’s easier for me to lay down, no longer forcing myself to sit up straight. Not wanting to leave Ty’s embrace, I lay my head on his lap and continue to cry while he’s stroking my back, another sign of thanks.

“We promised we would write to one another, and we did, I always did. I wrote almost every day to him, I struggled to stop. I kept giving myself excuses to write, I told him everything. I was so used to him being there for me to talk to, it felt normal to continue telling him so much, just through the use of letters. It’s the only way I could feel close to him while he wasn’t here. But I noticed a decline in myself. I was slowly going back to the person I was before he came into my life, and I don’t know why it was happening. I mean, if I could take a guess, it would be because I got so used to someone being there, and then all of a sudden, he wasn’t. I didn’t know how it would affect me, but I didn’t think it would affect me as badly as it did. After time had passed and we continued to write, I knew I needed to be the one to do something about it. Because, Ty, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. It felt like I had lost someone all over again. In the last letter I wrote to him, I asked him not to respond and I told him I wouldn’t be writing anymore. I had to be selfish. I’m such a fucking dick, Tyler. What if something happened to him? I don’t know where he is, I don’t know how he is. I don’t know if he cares. I know nothing. And knowing nothing is worse than him not being here with me. It’s what keeps me up at night. When I do finally get a chance to sleep, it’s what makes me have nightmares. It’s what steals the smile from my face. I’ve pushed everything away from myself and I’m the only one to blame.”

As soon as I have finished that sentence, I realise I am no longer able to talk, no longer crying. But panting. Shaking. Unable to breathe.

I’m holding onto Tyler tighter than I have ever held on to anything in my life. Scared if I let go, he’ll leave me too.

I attempt to think about something else, anything else, flowers or music, but my mind starts to go into a panic and work overtime, and I’m left regretting what I’ve said out loud, feeling embarrassed in some ways. Because now I have finally realised why I feel the way I feel.

I’m the reason I feel this way.

It was all my fault.

“D, you were protecting yourself and you were protecting him. You weren’t acting in a way to hurt him – you were trying to help him. Please stop doing this to yourself. You’re hurting yourself. Let me in, please, let me help.”

“I don’t deserve help, Ty. I only deserve the pain I’m feeling right now.”

---