Page 29 of Never Too Late

Am I quiet?

He doesn't say anything, only nods, letting me know it’s okay for me to continue if I want to.

Do I want to?

I’m scared to talk about Jae.

I’ve never spoken about him to anyone, I avoid saying his name aloud in fear he’d somehow teleport to me, like that would ever be a possibility. Speaking his name means he’s real, and would make what we had real. And that would mean I really did ruin us. I destroyed something so perfect.

Keeping him in my mind will hurt less.

Maybe I can convince myself he wasn’t real.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I.

Can’t.

Hurt.

Anymore.

I don’t notice I’m itching the skin on my hand continuously with such pressure until I feel the blood I am rubbing across my skin, an unhealthy habit I’ve had since my anxiety has gotten worse.

I need him to understand.

Because he’s the only one left who can.

Quickly wiping the blood on the side of my black jacket, I try to hide it from Tyler. I don’t want him to worry anymore. I bring my other hand to my hair, raking a hand through the blonde strands, pulling it harder than necessary in the process just to feel the pain it leaves behind, and I notice my body is trembling with nerves.

“Please, D, you don’t have to talk about this if you’re not ready. You don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready or comfortable. Please don’t feel like you have to.”

“I don’t have to do anything, Ty, I know. But I think I need to do this. I need to talk about this. I need to talk about him.”

“Him, who’s him?”

‘’The reason I am the way I am. I think. Maybe. I don’t know.”

I notice two kinds of looks on Ty’s face, one of concern and one of worry. Both, I am not proud of making him show, and I never want to see either of them again.

Holding out my hand, I point towards the sofas, suggesting it’s probably a good idea to take a seat. Which is obviously better than confessing my love for a guy to my brother, while sitting on a cold, hard, wooden floor.

“Do we need more than coffee... actually, I think I have a bottle of whisky in the car?”

Of course he does.

“No, I need a clear mind.”

Tyler doesn’t reply to that statement, instead he takes a seat next to me on the sofa, splaying his open hand on his knee, offering it for support. With his other, he places his phone on the table, giving me his undivided attention.

I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves, preparing myself to speak out loud everything I’ve wanted to keep on paper.

“Moving away to university was difficult for me, as you’re aware, I hadn’t visited before and moved there without any real knowledge of the place. Thankfully I was put with some cool people in the halls, who you met that one time.”

“Oh yeah, what did I call them? Ah. dipshit and dipshit jr.”

“Tyler.”

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