Page 18 of Burden to Bear

So, with my baby’s pictures in my hand, I turned and walked away.

And though each step I took broke my heart just a little more, I knew I needed to only take the drive home to mourn the loss of Todd in my life. Because once I got there, I needed to focus on what life was going to be like to be a single mom. With or without this baby’s father, I was going to find a way to give my child the world.

SIX

Mia

Undeniable heaviness.

Unbearable, too.

It had been two days since things were made official between Todd and me, and he’d admitted he no longer wanted any part of the relationship we’d built or the child we’d made together.

As strong as I knew I had to be, as strong as I told myself I would be for the sake of my child, it all felt so incredibly heavy. This newest change in my life made me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

After leaving Todd’s place two days ago, I’d been doing my best to come to terms with my new reality. And while I hadn’t cried as much as I did during the week I was off from work for the holiday, I certainly shed a couple of tears.

It wasn’t easy.

Making the decision to purchase my new home had been a long process, and it was something I had to prepare myself for. In theory, nine months felt like a long time, but I knew it was going to fly by. Before I knew it, I’d be a mom, and I’d have a brand-new baby to take care of all on my own.

I could do it.

I knew I could do it.

I just hated to think that the other person involved in creating this life wanted nothing to do with him or her. Maybe I was mostly upset about the fact that I’d been so wrong about the kind of man I believed Todd was. Never in a million years had I envisioned him walking away from me in a situation like this, no matter how unexpected it had been.

But in the end, I guess it was like my dad had said. It was better that I knew now where he stood than to have gotten in even deeper.

Even if I understood the logic behind that, it didn’t change the fact that I was still having a difficult time coming to terms with it. The only saving grace for me had been work.

It seemed work was the one place where I could set aside the heartbreak, emotions, and fear I felt about what was ahead for me, and I could just focus on doing my job to help kids. I never thought I’d see the day where I looked at going to work as the blessing that I did now. Sure, I’d always loved my job, but it now felt like something I needed for my sanity and emotional stability instead of just financial security and a sense of purpose.

It was the times when I was alone that were the most difficult to cope with. My thoughts would run wild, and I felt stuck. Because there was a part of me that knew I should have been taking small steps toward preparing for the baby. But the thought of doing anything on my own, no matter how small, seemed daunting. And yet, on the other hand, I felt unbelievably foolish for allowing the days to pass without accomplishing anything.

I was so frustrated.

I was incredibly sad.

And now that I was in my car and on my way home from work again, I was dreading another night alone, without anyone to lean on for support through this.

That was also my fault.

For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone else about the pregnancy. I thought my family should be the first to know, but they were already worried about me because of the breakup. With them being a couple of hours away, I didn’t want to lay this on them when I wasn’t in the best place. Maybe I’d feel different a week from now.

I turned onto my street, making my way to my house, and wasn’t surprised to see Brock’s truck parked at the end of the driveway as he stood at his mailbox. Other than a brief hello or the occasional wave, I hadn’t really had an opportunity to talk to or have a short conversation with Brock since before Christmas. Then again, considering I hadn’t left my house for that entire week during the Christmas break, I guess it was to be expected.

When I pulled into my driveway, Brock looked up from the mail he was holding in his hands and waved.

I brought my car to a stop, got out, and said, “Hi, Brock.”

“Hey, Mia. How are you doing? It’s been a while since I last spoke with you,” he returned.

I grabbed my mail out of the box to find Brock had started moving in my direction. I walked toward him, closing that distance, and said, “I’m okay. As I was driving down the road and saw your truck, I was thinking the same thing. I’m pretty sure it was before Christmas when we last had an actual conversation.”

“That doesn’t seem possible, but I think you might be right.”

I was.

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