Page 17 of Burden to Bear

For some foolish reason, I held on to a smidgen of hope that he’d surprise me and show up at the doctor’s office.

He didn’t.

More than it hurt me, it saddened me. Because it had been the most beautiful experience of my life. For as long as I lived, I’d never forget the sound of my baby’s heartbeat.

Now, I was sitting in my car tightly clutching the most beautiful pictures in my hand that I’d ever seen—the ultrasound photos.

I glanced at the clock on my dash, noted the time, and realized this was it. I was going to make one last-ditch effort with Todd. How he reacted would determine what I would do from this point forward. Somewhere, deep down, I was hoping that seeing these photos would spark something inside him. Maybe it was what he needed to feel some kind of connection to this pregnancy, to this baby. To me.

So, I set the pictures aside, took a deep breath, and pulled out of the parking lot to head to Todd’s place. I’d schedule this appointment for later in the day, so I wouldn’t have to leave work early. And unless he’d changed something drastically in his schedule over the last week and a half that we hadn’t spoken to one another, it was likely Todd was home from work by now, too.

As I made the drive to his place, I tried to come up with the perfect thing to say. I practiced my speech the entire way there.

But the minute I pulled up, knocked on his door, and stood face-to-face with him, all the planning I’d done had gone out the window.

“Mia? What are you doing here?”

What was I doing here?

How could that have been a serious question? Granted, he hadn’t invited me over for a visit, but did he honestly believe that the way he’d left things was how this was supposed to end? Was I supposed to just go on with life without seeking any sort of resolution or an official end to this?

He’d left it all up in the air, and whether he liked me being here or not, that was unfair. I deserved to know where he stood.

I swallowed hard, feeling uneasy. Then I held my hand with the extra photos out to him and said, “I thought you might want to see these.”

His eyes dropped to the pictures as he took them from me. It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at. Then he returned his attention to me and gave the photos back. “I know what you’re trying to do here, Mia, but it’s not going to work. I haven’t changed my mind.”

I took the pictures from him. “So, that’s it? Were you ever planning to call me and tell me you made an official decision?”

“I was getting around to it,” he mumbled.

It was clear where he stood, but I was going to make him say it. “Well, I’m here now, so I’ve made it easy for you. You won’t need to be inconvenienced by needing to try to find some other time to do it, and you can tell me whatever you want to tell me without needing to leave your home. We can get this over with now.”

How I was holding it together, I didn’t know. Maybe I already knew this was where things were headed, so there wasn’t so much of a shock with it. Or perhaps I realized this was no longer about me. My priority had shifted to this baby, something that was solidified right about the time I heard that heartbeat not quite an hour ago.

I could have sworn I saw him hesitate. Like he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to say whatever he was thinking. Whether that was because he was unsure or simply had hoped to string me along, I didn’t know. But the next thing I knew, he finally spoke.

“I’ve taken some time to think about all of this since you told me about the pregnancy,” he started. “And no matter what I feel for you, I can’t do this. I’m not prepared for a baby. I don’t want a baby.”

I nodded my understanding, feeling my throat grow tight. For whatever reason, he seemed to be trying to ease the blow by mentioning that he felt something for me. I thought it was a bunch of crap. If he cared at all, he wouldn’t have allowed all this time to pass without saying anything. He wouldn’t have handed these precious pictures back to me like they didn’t matter, like they were nothing.

Regardless, I wasn’t going to allow that to cloud my judgment.

“So, we’re done?”

He offered a slight nod, filled with uncertainty. “Yes, Mia. I’m sorry, but we’re done.”

I knew it was coming. I knew he was going to say it. And yet, my stomach sank when he confirmed it.

There was nothing left for me to do. It was what it was. I couldn’t spend my time, effort, or energy on someone who wasn’t interested in doing everything it took to make it work. I had something more important to worry about, someone more important.

I was scared, terrified, but I had no choice. I was going to be a single mom, and my baby deserved to have the best of me. So, even though it killed me to even think the words I was about to say, I knew I had to say them.

“Okay, Todd. Then I guess we’re over. I’m not going to stand here, screaming and yelling, and try to get you to see that you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. You have no idea what you’re going to lose out on, what you’re going to miss. Maybe you prefer that. Either way, you and I made this baby together. If you don’t want any part of his or her life, that’s your choice. But this baby is your responsibility, so you will contribute financially. I’ll take you to court if I have to. And the final courtesy I’m going to give you now is this. Should you wake up and realize the foolish decision you’ve made to turn your back on your child, he or she is due on August 28th. I won’t be reaching out to you again, so it’ll be up to you to prove whether you’ve got any interest in getting to know your child.”

When I finished speaking, I took one last long look at Todd. There was nothing there. Not a hint of self-doubt, nor a shred of pride. He was just… indifferent. Like it didn’t matter. Like I hadn’t just shared some life-altering information with him.

And that’s when I knew there was no reason to have any hope for the future.

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