Page 57 of Null & Void

Getting up and eliciting his own groan, Riley scrubs his face in his hands and aims for the door. “I’ll check if anyone else is awake so we can get an early breakfast.”

An hour later, we’re both fed, dressed, and standing at the stables, where Riley was able to hire us a horse. One horse—a large horse, but still, one horse.

“Am I going by myself then?” I deadpan at Riley.

“You can’t defend yourself, nor will you be able to ride properly yet. And you need a smooth ride. Butters here is the smoothest ride and can carry us both.”

The pale cream horse is enormous, just as big as Beans’ horse Ditch back in Nemoris. His fur is sleek, and his mane and tail are thin, typical of Erdu horse stock. Butters starts to nibble at one of my sleeves which makes me smile. I am constantly blessed by cheeky equines. My heart constricts painfully. Sweet Girl. Tears threaten to spill again, which triggers my rage. Stop crying.

After some logistical issues getting me up onto Butters’ back, I am finally seated in front of Riley. He’s holding the reins, and I’m holding on to the front of our two-person saddle.

The ride is comfortable, even though I have to relax and lean back into Riley as we ride. It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep listening to the soft calls of birds and Butters’ clops along the packed earth. With the rocking movements and warmth surrounding me, I had no hope.

Riley has let one hand go of the reins and is hugging me against him. Once he realizes I am awake, he lets go of me and takes up the reins in both hands again.

“We’re almost there,” he announces shortly after.

Riley steers Butters into a tree-dotted area slightly West of the cave systems, and I am grateful I don’t have to go anywhere near them. The ground is mostly even here, with no large cracks. Still, it cannot have been easy to dig a pony-sized hole with the Erdu-packed ground.

I see her grave not far ahead, so I ask to walk the rest of the way alone. Riley hangs back with Butters after helping me down, and I limp to Sweet Girl’s grave amongst the Erdu trees.

They marked out the grave with stones, with a large stone at the head. I take out my knife and I use it to carve into the relatively soft stone: Sweet Girl. My hero.

“I’m sorry, Sweet Girl, I wish I could have gotten you away from here. I would have loved for you to meet Applemint, and I think you would have liked to live with Mama and Frankie. I’ll never understand why you did what you did, but I hope you did it with purpose and courage, and not in fear.”

A few hot tears drip onto the stone as I say my final goodbye. I let the grief of her loss war with Jaena’s lessons about not crying over something as pathetic as a death. “I won’t cry for you,” she once told my 7-rev-old self.

I sit there, breathing, watching the trees and the small animals scurry amongst the dry brush. A stunning hot pink beetle scuttles over Sweet Girl’s headstone. I listen to the sounds of new life. A ground-dwelling bird I can’t recall the name of, calls for its mother. I let it all wash over me like a soothing balm.

Not wanting to repay Riley’s kindness by making him stay out here all day, I say a final goodbye to my sweet girl. Riley’s sitting on the ground leaning against a tree carving something small and pale. Seeing me limping toward him, he tucks his carving away and comes to help me get up on Butters again.

I spend most of our slow journey back absorbing the landscape. The further north we travel, the more it reminds me of Sadori, and although it gets very dry in the northern tip, Erdu isn’t as barren. Sadori has some beautiful oases that are lush and fertile, but they’re only for those high up in the tribal hierarchy. Erdu is still beautiful in its own way, especially the dramatic cliffsides and gorges, I just can’t seem to find it in me to appreciate anything about it right now.

“What will happen to me when we rescue your sister? I ask to break the silence. I can’t see him, though his tension is evident as he stiffens behind me.

He starts to say something but seems to change his mind before starting again. “I don’t know. Obviously, my mother sent us to get a Gifted Patron, and we sent a falcon to let her know we had…purchased—” Riley clears his throat, “—you, getting her official seal for the council. That’s it. There’s no plan for after the rescue. I assume you could probably have any position you wanted in our court after we get Lyss back,” he finishes quietly.

“How will the queen react to the news of who I really am?”

It wasn’t often that I’d get to know who requested the assassinations and why, but I usually knew if it came from one of the monarchies. Unless the queen had sent an anonymous request, I don’t believe I ever performed an assassination on behalf of the Nemoris crown. I suppose one of the others could have, but I was Jaena’s favorite, so it’s unlikely.

“I can’t answer that. But you have us to vouch for you. You are not your reputation.”

But I am.

We continue in silence for a while. My eyes begin to glaze over with sleepiness when Riley’s deep voice startles me.

“What would you want to do? Back in Nemoris, I mean.”

I open my mouth to say that I wouldn’t even know, but instead, I say, “I was a nanny. In Osraed, when I wasn’t busy being an assassin. I worked in the children’s compound teaching them how to forage and cook.” I shrug very lightly, trying to play it off like it was no big deal, but my throat constricts painfully. I miss those kids.

Riley speaks quietly, gently, as if he can sense I’m still fragile. “You could do that. Or something similar. You wouldn’t have to…I’d make sure you weren’t…used.”

Dumbfounded, I can’t speak for a long time. And when I can, I am unable to respond to those words.

“Thank you for taking me to Sweet Girl’s grave, Riley.”

Riley sputters as if he wasn’t expecting my not-so-subtle change of topic. “We—well not me specifically—but my family could find your family. If you want, that is…to find out who your parents are…” He sounds more uncertain as the words tumble out.

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