Page 2 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“In all my centuries I’ve never heard of anything like this,” Charlie muttered, going a little green. “I suppose I was expecting the use of a sword for the removal of the tail…umm… ass.”

“A sword would have been a heck of a lot less bloody,” Dimple acknowledged. “I still have the taste of metal in my mouth. I’m hopin’ the Turkey-Noodle-Dooda-Surprise will take it away.”

“Oh shit,” I said, getting to my feet. “Did you gals swallow any of his blood? Did you feel any kind of rush?”

Lura Belle wrinkled her brow in thought. “Well, yes. I assumed the rush came from biting an ass off of a person. I’ve never done that before.”

“And I never want to do it again,” Dimple choked out, holding her stomach and scurrying to the bathroom.

I was glad she was going to aim for the toilet this time instead of the kitchen sink. Her loud retching made my gag reflex kick in.

“Poor old gal,” Dirk said, following her to help out.

“Is the rush an issue?” Gideon asked.

“Possibly,” I answered. Lura Belle and Jolly Sue were sprawled out on the loveseat. I eyed them warily. “If you swallowed some of his blood, you might have some of his power.”

“Oh! Hell’s bells,” Dimple screeched from the half-bath by the kitchen right before she emptied the contents of her stomach for the third time.

Jolly Sue shook her head and groaned. “I don’t want more power. Just got rid of the awful gift I’ve been stuck with since I was born.”

Lura Belle was appalled at the news. “How long will it last?”

“How much do you think you ingested?” I asked.

“Not much,” she replied with a shudder of disgust. “I got more on me than in me. Does flesh count as blood because I might have swallowed a section of the butt.”

If someone had told me that I’d be talking to a hundred-and-something-year-old woman about the finer points of biting off an ass and whether swallowing some of it was a bad thing, I would have punched them in the head. Right now, I would happily punch myself in the head not to have this conversation.

“Candy, can you field that question?” I asked. She’d kind of been there and done that when she’d eaten Gabe, Prue, Abby and Rafe all those years ago.

We were hitting all the gag-inducing subjects this morning. I might be joining Dimple in the bathroom shortly.

“Sure,” she said, taking the toothpick out of her mouth and tucking it behind her ear. “I’m gonna go with a no on the butt flesh question unless you ate an artery.”

“Jesus,” Gideon muttered, pressing the bridge of his nose.

“Hey, Tim,” Candy yelled. “I need some expert advice.”

Tim hustled into the living room from the kitchen, where he’d been hard at work creating something that smelled really bad. He wore one of my aprons over his mail uniform. “How can I be of service, friend?”

“Does an ass have arteries?” she asked.

Tim thought for a moment, then pulled out the ever-present notebook from one of his many pockets. “Luckily, I’ve studied the buttock recently. I was searching for a gross fact that might surprise Jennifer and make her laugh.” He flipped through the pages. “Ah, here we go. The inferior gluteal artery is in the buttock, and it supplies oxygenated blood to the glute muscles. So yes, there’s an artery.”

“Thanks,” Candy said.

Tim wasn’t done. “And while we’re on the subject of butts… a hairy butt actually serves a purpose.”

“I’d like to stop you right there,” Tory said with a groan.

Tim giggled. “Can you live without knowing why a hirsute bum is a good thing?”

Tory squinted at him and tried not to smile. She failed. It was good to see her happy or, at least, not completely miserable. Gross facts for the win.

“Fine,” she conceded. “Tell me about furry rumps. I’m quite sure I’ll live to regret asking.”

“Very well then,” Tim said with a naughty twinkle in his eyes. “The beneficial reason that hair grows on the rear end is severalfold. One, it prevents chafing of the buttock cheeks when you walk or run. As we all know, a chafed butt is a sorry situation. It also has a lovely evolutionary function. Ass hair holds in your natural scent. This is primal and something that attracts others.”

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