Page 1 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

CHAPTER ONE

Mick Jagger was correct. You can’t always get what you want. I just prayed we would eventually get what we needed. The permanent end of Micky Muggles was on the top of the list.

The transport home after the battle had been as bad as the trip to the parallel plane where the battle had taken place. The nutty Nephilim, Jolly Sue, had spoken the words of the spell to leave, and no one, except the Keeper of Fate, had come through it unscathed. Lura Belle walloped her sister in the head upon arrival back home. She called Jolly Sue a spleeny, unmuzzled horn-beast and insisted that the next time we plane jumped, she would be the one to chant the spell. She claimed she was a better travel guide and wouldn’t let her guests feel like they were being burned alive.

There would be no next time as far as I was concerned. That chapter was closed… I hoped.

Dimple, kooky sibling to Jolly Sue and Lura Belle, had puked in the kitchen sink. Zander and his sister, Catriona, went up to our guest rooms to sleep off the horrific journey. My siblings, Prue, Abby and Rafe followed after our new guests to make sure they were comfortable. The ever-fabulous and always disgusting Candy Vargo chuckled as she watched Zander try to hold Prue’s hand as they departed. It was a developing story, and I had high hopes for a happy ending attached to it. We could all use one of those.

Tory looked exhausted. She’d expended too much magic for the benefit of her worst enemy—the finally gone forever Zadkiel. I knew she would live with no regrets. She’d said what she wanted to the man who had hurt her beyond comprehension, and she’d given those she cared for the chance to do the same. Gabe hovered over her even though she kept weakly slapping him away.

My brother didn’t give up easily. He wore his heart on his sleeve and didn’t have any intention of hiding his feelings. They’d been separated for a thousand years due to Zadkiel’s psychotic lies. My guess was that if it took a thousand more to win her back, Gabe would gladly do it.

What I wanted now was to live my life in peace for a little while as opposed to pieces. I didn’t know who I had to bribe to catch a break, but I was willing to pay the big bucks.

I couldn’t believe it was only eight in the morning. It felt as if we’d been gone for a year, but it had only been a little over twelve hours. None of us had gotten any sleep. I was tired, but wired. Sleep would come soon enough. I needed to bask in the glow of love and friends first. We’d briefed everyone about Zadkiel’s end. As expected, no one shed a tear. The Micky Muggles discussion, along with his departing threat to return, would happen after some coffee.

The house was filled with people I loved. Most importantly, Alana Catherine was on her way home with our friends who’d protected her while Gideon and I couldn’t. My gratitude for them was immense. The safe word, toothpick, had been shared with everyone and we were as secure as we could be at the moment. The thought of holding my baby in my arms again and breastfeeding her made me giddy. Her milk-drunk expression of love was necessary for me to feel whole. Gideon had barely let me out of his sight since we’d arrived. He’d opened the front door so many times to check on Alana Catherine’s impending arrival that the room was freezing. Charlie just laughed and made a roaring fire in the stone fireplace. The crackle and dancing of the flickering flames were hypnotic.

“Darlings!” Dirk squealed as he strutted into the living room like it was his own personal catwalk. The fabulous queen, aka one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, wore a bright orange sequined ballgown trimmed in marabou. It would have been a hideous eyesore on anyone else. Dirk made it work. “Wonderful news! In celebration of Zadkiel’s demise, Tim has prepared a breakfast casserole called Turkey-Noodle-Dooda-Surprise hotdish. Smells divine.”

“Debatable,” Gideon whispered.

I agreed. “Wait. What does Turkey-Noodle-haha have to do with Zadkiel?”

“It’s Turkey-Noodle-Dooda-Surprise hotdish,” Dirk corrected me. “And I don’t know how it connects to the dead bastard, but our Tim is brilliant and works in mysterious ways. I just love our adorable, somewhat socially inept Immortal!”

“Is there actually turkey in it?” Heather asked with a small gag as she placed a cool washcloth on Dimple’s head and got her comfortable in the overstuffed armchair.

“I have no idea,” Dirk admitted with a giggle. “There were so many ingredients I couldn’t tell you. But I did notice he used hot sauce and jelly. Simply the best!”

Best wasn’t the word I’d use. Inedible was more accurate. Thankfully, turkey-doodle-dodo wasn’t in my future. Being a vegetarian rocked.

Heather sat down next to me and leaned close. “I’ll go to the Piggly Wiggly in a bit and get something edible.”

“Donuts,” I whispered. “Glazed.”

My sister gave me a thumbs up. “Your wish is my command.”

“Turkey-Noodle-Hooha sounds tasty,” Candy Vargo said dropping down onto the couch and putting her feet on the coffee table. “I think we need to discuss the fuckin’ fucker. Micky Muggle’s is a hemorrhoid on the ass of humanity.”

I didn’t have the energy to yell at her or knock her feet off the furniture. It also seemed unimportant to clarify that hooha was a nickname for a vagina. The coffee was helping, but there was only so much I could handle on so little sleep.

“Do we have to do it right this minute?” I asked, cuddling up to Gideon on the other couch. “I just want one second to enjoy no one I love being in mortal danger.”

I looked up at Gideon’s gorgeous face and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. His eyes were glued to the front door. His anticipation of our daughter coming home made me love the man even more than I already did.

“One question, please,” Heather said. “Is Micky Muggles alive or dead?”

“Unclear,” Gabe replied. “The gals bit his ass off, so the consensus is that once the rest of the magic fades, he’ll revert to true age and die since he has nowhere to store the magic.”

“Come again?” Charlie asked, confused. “Did you actually say they bit his ass off?”

“Damn straight,” Jolly Sue stated with a gag. “Went for the tail like Candy Vargo commanded. It was nasty and the taste wasn’t good, but we got the job done.”

“Fuckin’ gnarly,” Candy announced, grinning at the Nephilim. “My gals have big lady-balls and outstandin’ chompers.”

“The toothpicks were a godsend,” Lura Belle commented. “Biting an ass off is more complicated than it sounds. And having ass stuck between your teeth is quite unpleasant.”

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