Page 3 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“I’m gonna beg to differ on that,” Lura Belle said with a sour expression. “A stinky bum is not attractive.”

“I was right,” Tory said, shaking her head.

About?” Gabe inquired with a chuckle.

The not-so-icy ice princess smirked, “That I would live to regret asking.”

“Live and learn, motherfucker,” Candy Vargo said with a laugh. “So, according to Timmy boy, unless y’all swallowed a portion of the ass containing the inferior gluteal artery, you’re all good.”

Lura Belle opened her mouth to say something else but changed her mind. She was smarter than she looked.

“How about this?” I suggested, wanting to move on to a new subject. “We’ll watch the gals for unusual behavior and deal with it if we have to.”

“Agreed,” Candy Vargo said. “No use cryin’ over spilt milk, bunghole arteries or stank hair up the poop shoot.” The Keeper of Fate was always good for a disgusting visual that would stay in your frontal lobe for a while.

When the front door flew open, the gust of cold wind made me gasp with joy. Tears filled my eyes. There had been copious tears when Gabe and Prue reunited with Rafe and Abby. The siblings’ love ran very deep, but that was nothing compared to the sobs of joy that left my mouth when I saw my baby.

“Special delivery,” Jennifer announced with a wide smile as she handed me Alana Catherine. Missy, Amelia, June, Wally, Carl and Fred were right behind her.

Home was finally home. Alana Catherine’s sleepy presence made it that way. I was pretty sure Gideon was crying more than me. So much for the Grim Reaper being the stoic bad guy…

“Now the gang is all here,” I said with a grin so wide it hurt my cheeks. I held Alana Catherine as Gideon’s strong arms wrapped around both of us. For the first time in a while, I was truly centered and calm.

“I want to hear everything,” June announced as she beelined it for Charlie and gave him a kiss. “I’m just so happy everyone is home and safe.”

“Oh yes, sweetikins,” Carl squealed as he, Fred and Wally joined Dirk in a drag queen group hug. “We must hear the dish.”

“Speaking of,” Tim called out from the kitchen. “The Turkey-Noodle-Dooda-Surprise hotdish is almost ready! Hope everyone is hungry. I’ve made four huge trays!”

“That does not sound good,” Missy said before she grabbed Heather and soundly kissed her.

“We’re going to the Piggly Wiggly in a sec for a more edible alternative,” Heather told her.

Missy laughed. “I’m in.”

Amelia glanced around in concern. “Where’s Rafe?”

“Upstairs,” Candy Vargo told her. “Go on up and kiss your man.”

Amelia blushed. “Umm… okay, I think I will.” She ran to the base of the stairs then turned back to her new roommate Candy. “Oh, the kids are great. I got everyone off to school this morning.”

“Course you did,” Candy said with a thumbs up. “You’re the baddest of the badasses.”

Amelia laughed and raced up the stairs.

“Love that gal like a daughter,” Candy said, shaking her head. “Used to think I’d fucked over too many people to deserve anything good, but I got me a whole bunch of kids now. Who woulda thunk it?”

“I woulda thunk it,” Gram said as she floated down the stairs with Mr. Jackson. “You might have a potty mouth and crappy manners, but you’re as good as gold, Candy Vargo. It just tickles me pink to see you bein’ a mamma to Amelia and all them darlin’ foster kids. I’m right proud of you, girlie!”

It was the Keeper of Fate’s turn to get teary-eyed.

June hustled over and put a large container on the coffee table in front of me. Life had just gone from perfect to out of this world.

“Is that what I think it is?” I asked, unable to contain my excitement.

June giggled. “If you think it’s a tub of my homemade peanut butter cookies, then yes.”

“I already ate a dozen this morning,” Jennifer said with a laugh as she pulled a bottle of wine from her purse.

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